   Naked Geese Reunion 2008-11-20 . chapter 1I really rather like how wonderfully this poem begins: with just eight syllables, you set the scene by mentioning what is easily one of the most attractive features of a sculpted human body; I was instantly hooked. I love where you break the second line, causing the next two words to strike with far more force than they otherwise would have. And then, right after the pause that expertly breaks the momentum, you speed it up again, throwing in the three craftily chosen adjectives.
"Long and deep" is magnificent; deceptively simple, but so flawlessly does it plant that beloved image of a muscular back. Not sure to what degree it might have been intentional, but rhyming provoking and promoting set the last line up splendidly. In addition to more perfect word choice (I'm seriously in love with how widely you opened the door to interpretation with the closing of the first stanza), the last line here totally completes the roller-coaster ride (slow, slow, break, speed, sightseeing [heh, "long and deep" again], a rhyme, high-impact finish) that I got out of reading the first five lines the way I did.
This piece could have totally ended there, but it fortunately did not; instead it proceeded to captivate me even more: we're still on the subject of the creviced back, of course, but now lots more imagery; tracing (and God, the "i think" is just gold), skin of satin, and then the aforementioned disappearing. Only problem here is the choice of "distressed": the poem, from what I've gathered, is only meant to praise this creature; using this particular term shifts that view just a bit. Of course, good alternatives ("depressed" does the exact same thing) would have been hard to come by, but I feel "distorted" may have done the job well. Nonetheless, the intention is clearly conveyed, and the second stanza only adds to the poem's splendor.
The third section's similes seem just a tad out of place for me: throughout everything prior, no real allusion is made to anything other than the back, its owner, and — fittingly — the bed; here, though, you introduce the sea and ze beast. They just seem to draw a bit of the attention away from the more interesting points of focus. :) I did take a certain liking to this stanza, though, because it nails this whole poem home for me. See, it appears we have in common that the both of us like to play along the back of the people that end up in our respective beds. Being a bit strange, I quite like keeping my eyes open as I place kisses up and down a back; in doing so, I acquire a front-row seat and rather delight in watching the person's torso rhythmically lift and drop, however subtly.
My God! You truly couldn't have concluded this entry more ideally; this ending really is absolutely without flaw: there is praise, there is passion, and there is such an obvious, bared-for-the-rest-of-the-world-to-see love. Splendid!
Now, alas, a bit of nitpicking, but it's not much I promise; in fact, my only quarrel with this piece is that you elected to punctuate sentence fragments. The periods just seem to pull the spotlight onto themselves and look really out of place given the syntactic style you've opted for. I would have lurved it if the entire piece was without punctuation save for the very last line; this, I think, would draw even more attention to an incredible finish to a spectacular piece of poetry.
Bravo, dear. New favorite author and poem, as well as my longest review yet, methinks (broke the 3,500-character mark: w00t). |
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