|Reviews for Arous and the Seven Swordsmen|
| Sarthim 1/27/09 . chapter 3
Well you seem to be well on your way to developing a solid fantasy story. I'm sure the action adn stakes will only increase from here.
My only nitpick is the death of Arous's mother. Although we are given the details, what about Arous? Although he has to feel sadness, maybe a better sense of his emotions and how they influence his opinion toward her could work. just a suggestion though.
| Chandra Grace 12/31/08 . chapter 1
I actually like it. It has a nice sense of suspense.
| MagicWords 12/17/08 . chapter 3
HAHA nice new chapter. better than the last one.
There are some typos...should have let me edit it beforehand. haha. Sort of quick, but also well developed. update soon.
| Sarthim 11/21/08 . chapter 2
Wow...good description of the black mass and an good turn at the end.
| Pierce Dorian 11/19/08 . chapter 1
Seems like a good story. Nice cliffhanger at the end. I couldn't really find anything gramatically incorect so good job there. I've always liked fantasy stories like yours, great job!
| THE BNZ 11/18/08 . chapter 1
Hm, interesting. I like how you describe things. And I like your naming.
Also: the sentence 'A war was about'.
That just sounds odd to me. I can't really say, but there is something gramatically wrong with it, I think.
| Sarthim 11/18/08 . chapter 1
Fix "a fighting had broken out" to "a fight had broken out."
Sorry, now that that's out of the way, we can get to the main story itself.
The description is not bad at all. The beginning had a nice build-up of suspense to it and I could visualize the battle pretty good. Basically, I can see that the soldiers can use magic, which is cool.
I think it was a bad decision to have two characters named Firzen and Firus, especially since they are in the same army. (Unless of course they are secretly connected through some sort of family abandonment/adoption/ancient prophecy/milkshake etc. etc.
It got kind of confusing because the names were so similar. In the future, i would recommend more diverse names.
That being said, I am eager to know what kind of world this takes place in, as well as its races and cultures. No doubt that that sort of thing will be revealed later on.
Next chapter, maybe concentrate on making the prose flow a bit more, as well as what a character is thinking, feeling and doing.
Other than that...a pretty solid start.
| Nicola Guills 11/18/08 . chapter 1
What an interesting premise I must say, it caught my eye right away. Now onward to critques:
The sun slowly fell beneath the horizon of the fair land, and dusk overtook the day over the land of Prosperi.
You repeated "land" twice. I caution you on this because (for me anway) repeatative words distract from a story. How about you replace the second "land" with another word like:
The 'country' of Prosperi
The 'world' of Prosperi
Just some suggestions,
Shadows slowly rose while the light disappeared behind the cliffs along with the sun.
I love this bit of imagery.
However, there was a light in the land not made by the sun. This light was a deadly light, and full of violence and death. Here, a fighting had broken out.
Again, be careful of repetative words. How about replacing one of the lights with 'glow' or 'gleam' 'flame' 'ray' 'brilliance' or something like that
Over this violent part off the land, a dark cloud hung overhead, blotting out any fresh light. The cloud was irregular and much denser than any other cloud the land had seen.
How about replacing 'cloud' with something like 'shape' or 'puff of white' or something.
Firzen stood their, still fear showed on him.
I think 'their' should be 'there'
and I think and even better word would be 'in place' or 'stood unmoving'
Firzen looked pleased with answer
I think you meant:
Firzen looked pleased with (the) answer
And I think it would sound a little better with something like,
Firzen 'seemed' pleased with the answer (it just seems more professional for an army person than looked in my opinion :D)
You dialouge seems really natural which is really hard to do. Good job! :)
I'll keep my eye on this,