Hey! Sorry this has been so late. Better than never, huh?

Just wanted to say that I really like what's going on here. It's really captivating, and while I am usually drawn into most of what you write, this has something extra. Which is good!

Most of the stuff I had concerns with/whatever has already been said here. Keep up the good work!

the only thing that hinders this section of the chapter is the fact there are a couple times that you use the word feral and animalistic in a row this mainly the same word and your reader with become confused by the double description.

Love

JMan

A much stronger chapter that defines and create an attachment to Sebastian.

Though if he is the leader of his troop and this a military type setting the other characters would show more respect to sebastion but still rip into him in a indirect manner.

In the military any direct talk from an underling is major violation of policy and a character that dictates himself on procedure and record would not tolerate such insubordination. These types of conversation could only come from an officer of equal rank or higher.

The evolution of the other characters I can predict a use for them but there is no emotional attachment to them and therefore I don't care for them a care to remember. The quick solution to this would be to offer some kind of connection that they share with Sebastian on first introduction to the character.

You have a strong use of flowery language which helps paint the tension of the scene. What hurt this text is the fact that you really fail to describe the character AKA name...complete physical features... another thing that damages your text is the use of flowered to explain the pain in his shoulder from the door frame.

Shoulder slamming against the wooden frame of the door it wedged agony into Sebastion thick muscular shoulder. The painful pressure resonated from the point of impact like that of a shock wave from his gun, stealing his breath causing Sebastion to collide against the door as it shut as the cylinder barrel of the door clicked.

Otherwise strong well written. Do not use the summary to develop character use the story and situation this will cause the reader to care for your character believe your tale.

Love The JMan

This story seems to draw the reader deeper and deeper in, without realizing it. Th out of nowhere, they are blind-sighted with one fact and everything begins to connect and a realization dawns upon the reader... Things were not as they seemed, and are only going to continue from here.

Your story so far is bloody amazing... no pun intended. ;) I love where you are going with it. I am completely captivated; my hands clench my laptop and my eyes are glued to the screen. You have an amazing ability to draw the reader in, like when the story gets tense or there is a lot of action I find myself becoming tense and moving closer to my screen so I don't miss anything. I absolutely love your story and no matter what, I will continue to read it. :D Now I am off the write my story before you nag me about it :D.

awesome rewrite!

I really like it so far :-) It draws you in, and it's very descriptive - I can picture everything happening clearly. Good job!

geez that dream sequence is gorgeous and ripe with literary pleasure

i think i only spotted one typo and a couple minor phrasing quirks in chapter 2 and 3 (i'll point them out to you later and explain what i think; i'll ramble in here and ** you off, i KNOW IT) but you did really good. the original version holds nothing on this, mainly due to how well the story is proceeding and how it's playing out more like a story rather than a "screenplay", if that makes any sense

thear is a wonderful addition that sparks an interest into what the hell's really going on in sebster's world. the only thing that seemed weird was how the dream played out "calmly" compared to how frantic, visual and ridiculous dreams usually are. whether or not this is because thear is actually ENTERING sebby's dreams and making him perceive all that would clear it up i guess, so lemmeknowineedtoknow

can't wait for part 1 of episode 1's chapter 2!

A very well written story that draws you in, inch by inch...

I haven't read the original, but I really like this so far. Keep up the good work!

Considering how far you got into the previous version of this, its kind of enticing to read the update and piece together some details that were maybe not expanded on before.

As always, a great read, though reexamine the usage of the word 'arctic' as an adjective. I can see where you were going with that, but the particular turn of phrase sounds awkward in that context.

Keep me posted!

Interesting beginning, can't wait for the next installment! ;)

Wow... that's all I can say. It's completely different from what it originally was but I still love it. Everything was very descriptive but the only thing I noticed was the sentence: The first floor would be first, of course. It sounds a little weird to me. Maybe something like: The bottom floor would be first, of course. I dunno. Just a thought. And you'd better write more... I want to read it. :D