Good story. A little busy for me, but that's just my opinion. I liked how Merle was almost child-like. Overall, good job.

This is much better written than the average story on this site. The basic plot is fine, and the characters are mostly well-written, with only Kate and Tim having no comprehensible motivation for their actions. In particular, Tia and Marie are clearly well thought out characters, with more subtle indications of their background and view of the situation.

Some of what goes on is a bit too pat, in the sense that the story progresses exactly as one might expect it to progress, given the basic plot. (Someone believes the girl, goes after her, people hunting her seem to get to her too quickly or before she gets where she's going to get information, she gets help from a rag-tag bunch of peers, there's a shadow organization out to get her, etc.) There are small bits, like a second organization trying to hunt Merle down, and the one organization attacking the other, which are more interesting, but these do not make up the majority of the plot.

The actual writing itself is quite good. There's something about the dialog that doesn't sound like professional writing, but I can't actually diagnose what it is, so it's not far off. The narration is very good, and, upon review, it may just be that we need more of it to balance the dialog. Regardless, the narration feels exactly right, so bravo there.

As a separate note, I like the choice of setting. It works very well for the story you are telling, and it allows a level of believability that might otherwise be lacking. On the other hand, your pacing could use some work. So much happens so quickly, both in action and in, for example, Tobias shifting from disbelief to belief, that there's not enough time to adjust. This also applies to the rapidity of the jumps in focus, which occur so frequently that it's difficult to become immersed in the scene.

Broadly speaking, to be honest, the story doesn't appear to be doing anything striking, from a novelty perspective. For a NaNoWriMo story, this may be perfectly expected. However, the writing seems very good, and, in a more novel plot, might prove to work even better.

Keep working on it, and I think you could produce some excellent work.

*thumbs up at your story*

Nice. I like the way it's going; the people who want her back are not being shy about making a grab for her, and I'm sure Dr. Tobias will come back in some fashion. And the cliffhanger! Ouch.

I'm already liking this a lot! :) The clear aura of mystery surrounding the girl's amnesia, the helpful doctor (and even his own obvious ineptness in relationships) and the tinge of a shadowy group at the end all add up to a fascinating teaser intro. :)

Stare. Blink. THIS is your NaNoWriMo? Congratulations! It's awesome so far, doesn't seem "unpolished" to me! I'm afraid to put my NaNo up... all I have is the crappy prologue. This is way better than mine, haha... Great job.

Interesting start to this story. I like the concept, and I have ideas on where you're going with this. However, only time will tell if I'm on the right track eh! Fantastic writing as always, good job. I guess I better post some work on here, seems only fair after reading so much of yours! :p