Sweet Googa-Mooga with an ice cream hat! I don't know what I just said, but your pilot chapter socked the nonsense out of me. Literally. Um...I'd usually start off with convention mistakes, but since your story has so many chapters, I can't expect you to revise the first chapter. At least, not now. Thus, I will simply comment on it.

You set everything up nicely with all the characters and the school and all that. Believe it or not, that Hiroshi dude reminds me one of my friends that keeps on slapping me on the back whenever he meets me; it's kind of weird, because I kept imagining my friend as Hroshi. Yuki reminds me of Shinji Ikari a little, and that fiery Saki really reminds me of fiery Asuka the way she took care of those bullies. But I think my favorite is Ayumi. Man, the irony was incredible; the way she changed like that was scary, and I mean schizophrenic scary.

And damn, that's one hell of a hook. But I didn't need that to hook me in; the dream sequence did it for me; it was the little bait on the end of a tiny point of the hook that caught me that turned out to be an even bigger hook, as I delved deeper into the chapter. I think my favorite part by far has to be the bloody fight scene in Yuki's house. I find fight scenes really hard to do, because it's like a juggling act: You have to keep it in the main character's perspective for it to really hit home, while not losing sight of the everything else going on, and you have to get a lot of detail in it for the reader to not only see but EXPERIENCE the fight in the mind's eye. You've got mad skills; maybe you could give me some pointers, because the fight scenes I've read before this pale in comparison.

Wow this is pretty good!

pretty good- update soon

Ooh, cliffhanger!

Wonderfully written, tense fight! I love the sand powers, they're very creative. And the whole idea of the perimeter, too, was introduced in a lovely, subtle way.

I do wish there could be more commas, though. I found a lot of the action a bit hard to comprehend because of the lack of commas.

This is great so far!

I am wondering why Saki is so protective of Yuki. Hope we get an explanation soon.

The plot's moving wonderfully quickly. I like that you cut right to the chase. And these short chapters are very manageable to read.

Nice turnaround for Ayumi's personality. She's pretty fascinating and mysterious at this point.

I do confess to getting a little confused at some points, especially when Yumi showed up. For some reason I thought she was Ayumi, maybe because of the similiarity in their names. And the way they act seems strikingly alike. Might wanna make that part more clear?

Your writing is still superb. I mean the way you describe it all in vast detail is purely astounding. Your plot line here is well created as well. Not to mention the characters that you have brought forth through your words. Very, very well done...

Ah, the plot thickens!

I like Yuki and Saki's relationship, although I do wish Yuki would grow more of a spine. I guess that's what his future adventures will do, though.

I'm liking Yuki's personality; he really seems quit edifferent from your typical brash Shonen Jump protagonist. I like how easily he zones out. He seems almost autistic.

I'm liking this so far, so I'll keep on reading.

Man, that last line made chills run down by spine. Well done.

You have a phenomenal sense of pacing. This opening is slower than that of the pilot, but I think it works just as well because you keep the pacing quite slow and low-key throughout, while peaking the writer's interest with the whole imagined lightshow and then the final sentence which really drives home the fantastic nature of the setting.

This is getting interesting; I will be sure to read more!

Wow, you've got a lot of tenacity to keep up this project for so long! For that alone I commend you, and you definitely deserve more reviews.

I think you could stand to use a few more commas, to break up the flow of your sometimes rambly sentences? Like, I'd write this sentence this way:" As the rising moon bathed its warm pale blue light over the field (comma) the victorious champion of the people stood up (comma) pulling his sword free from its bloody corpse that held it like a sheath."

I like the way you begin the story, with a brief scene before the chapter title...it's like a cold open in a TV show. Or anime!

The plot is developing very nicely. You have a good sense of pacing, especially with the unveiling of mysteries. Seriously, in the beginning this came off as more of a horror/thriller than anything, what with the excellent way you melded reality/imagination. The payoff it built up to is quite satisfying as well, and I'm interested in finding out more.

As for the characters, they are rather archetypal as of now, but I'd expect that from a manga/anime and they are very distinct from one another, so that's a plus; I don't mix them up. And I love the powers, too; they're very imaginative, almost surreal. Much more interesting than your run of the mill ki attacks. And Ayumi, I love Ayumi's character. I wasn't warming up to her initially because she just seemed like the typical "girl next door love interest" character, but the sudden change at the end, wow! Now I find her the most fascinating.

I'll definitely keep on following this.

Hi. I'm reading your story again (the first time I started and got a couple of chapters in, but stopped, because I was totally busy), but I gotta say that it's pretty awesome. I was less confused this time around (last time I remember being confused) and i'm definately more hooked on it than before.

However, I did find myself getting a little lost in the pilot chapter around the parts where Yuki was having visions, but I guess that's probably what you were expecting from people when you wrote it. And I do feel a little as if the characters were a introduced rather quickly, which made me have to backtrack a couple of times to remember who was who and whatnot.

Other than that though, this story is pretty good so far. I'm glad to see that you've gone this far into your story (over 100 chapters is pretty impressive) and i'm looking forward to reading more. Expect more reviews from me in the future

Rumiko

Ah, a very lengthy chapter, but it gets the hook down and nails the gimmick and premise of the story.

The dream sequence opening was pretty good, at the start, it was pretty vivid and detailed.

I also liked how you didn't explain too much back story. That's something that I like to do. One of my pet peeves that I stick to is "Only explain things as they become necessary." It was a nice touch to mention how Hiroshi was so familiar with Yuki immediately after he made himself known to the audience.

My favorite part of the story is obviously the action.

"This doesn't work like fiction. I'm not going to be revealing my reasons or motives to you. You'll die and then I kill your family. And then anyone that saw anything as well. The dead don't need to understand."

This was good. I like edgy dialogue, specifically from my villains, lol.

Anyway, I won't ramble. I don't see a need to point out too many grammar mistakes, just a few run on sentences that I'm sure will be remedied with a revision and edit after the story is complete.

NsShadowSerpent

This is AWSOME! Talk about Irony! I loved how the climax quickly rose and the imangry was really vivid.

Hmm the transfer student seems mysterious and seems important to the plot, and an awesome cliff hanger to keep people interested.

If you wish to review me back do so for voyage of Ryukai.

Pretty awesome. Looking forward to reading more. I can't believe you have 95 chapters!