One thing:

• “Eremes cursed lowered his arm, his...”

First off, I'm sorry I'm late again. I'm going to try very hard to keep that from being a habit.

I loved this chapter so much, but I have to admit that at this part it was kinda confusing:

“Seth slipped in front of Eremes with lightening speed. He held Airis’ face right in front of him, causing their noses to bump. Eremes sucked in a sharp breath and leapt back in surprise, his heart thrashing rabidly in his ribcage.”

It was hard to see in my head. If there's any possible way you could reword this, I would.

Anyway, great colorful language. It was very detailed and made a clear picture for the reader.

~Rébecca

I know that the human is the prince in this one (I'm guessing that much) but, I've always had a bone to pick with Vampire stories that are set in Modern times but with vampires living in places like 'Renaissance Land' or 'Ye old Vamp Tower.'

I just never got it. Yeah some vampires were turned in like, the '5th' century and like it better, but it's not like the world just went BOOM it's 1970. No, vampires more than anyone would have had ample time to adjust. I think the main reason is that the author believes that their beautiful, talented, awesome vamps look so much cooler in medieval digs. Case and Point...and this just turned into a rant.

Anyways, I kind of like having this chapter to clearify who Eremes is. It makes alot of sense and makes him a little more interesting.


:O) ~nicola

Okay. I am so confused. It was as it almost as if your missing another chapter. I had to look back to see what had happened and I still think that you need a little somethin between chapters 6 and 7. Maybe an internal monolouge of Seth's as he prepares Airis's unconscious body for meeting with that guy? I don't know but I think it needs just a little something to connect those two parts. Maybe a strange dream Airis has about her past?

Also, I really liked this part:

"Go to hell," Eremes hissed between his teeth. The hostility in his eyes glowed through the veil pin-straight black hair that covered his face.

"Oh, I've been there; they have great cookies, you should visit," Seth's smile was crooked. He lowered his body and rushed forward suddenly, in a violent twitch.

It made me laugh.

:o) ~ nicola

This story is so amazing! Please update soon!~

Hmm, that took me a while to understand--which is good :) I like stories that make me think. Seth is one intensely creepy indidivual.

Wait, is Seth the vampire going to die? Is Airis not human or has poison blood? So many questions. I forgot to mention in the last review that I love the name Airis, great pick. Speaking of names, I also find the vampire being named Seth ironic for several reasons. This was a good chapter, and it raised many questions and delightful mysteries. Is the old man some kind of supernatural?

An interesting beginning to say the least. The fact that the main character is mentally unstable is a definite plus, i love stories like that; seeing the world through the distorted mirror of their mental illness--sorry, I got off topic XD. Great chapter.

i'm not looking for a fight about twilight though i am a fan you're not the only one that dosen't like it i'm not saying it's a bad thing to try not to make your storys like others but i think because you're working so hard not to it is getting in the way...forget other stories and write no matter how corny that sounds

I like that we're finally figuring out there's a reason Seth didn't just kill Airis already; even if it is as vague as "she reminds him of someone" and "her blood tastes good". To be honest, I would have liked a little bit more there -- even if he doesn't know exactly what is going on, having a list of possibilities would be nice, because at this point it's "pretty much anything" as far as I can tell.

One thing I noticed is that Airis seemed a little bit strange in this chapter, more put together and more knowledgeable than she has seemed in previous chapters. Perhaps that's just a function of not having her internal monologue going, but even in what she says out loud I feel like there's a disconnect.

I'm glad to see that we're finding out a little bit more about the mechanics of vampires in your world. Almost any details you share make the world more vivid and therefore more compelling.

The resolution of the cliffhanger left something to be desired. In my opinion, Airis should not have been surprised in the least that Seth was on his own balcony, and her shock at finding him there seemed incommensurate with the event. I also found it rather strange that, so soon after being more than a little bit annoyed at her and threatening to bash her face in, and with no apparent resolution of that fight, Seth is making witty comments and, well, kissing her. It felt like there was a scene missing, or something, in which some of her questions and concerns re: being stuck in the house were resolved, and some of his annoyance re: her stupid questions and accusation is dissipated. If that makes sense.

To be honest, I didn't really notice the "huge gap in time"; you say that she passes out and sleeps for almost a day, so that's resolved and you shouldn't worry about the continuity there. I like the fact that Airis finally confronts Seth and asks him what the hell is going on, but I think that she does it in a rather strange way. I guess that's understandable given her character, but to be honest I'd like some simple (or simpler) answers to questions like "Why didn't he kill her?" and "Who is the man with the white hair?" and "Why is he keeping her in his house -- just as a snack?" instead of "Why are you making my life so miserable?" which felt a little like a non sequitur to me. You don't have to tell the whole answers, and you can make it obvious that you're not giving us the whole answers, but I feel like I could get more into the story if I knew a little bit more.

In the beginning of the chapter, you have a little bit of an issue with tenses it seems. Things like "She glanced at the long black ditches that hover in the distance" should be "She glances at the long black ditches that hover" or "She glanced... hovered" -- they should match. In general, I think you made the right choice in writing in the past tense, so "Glanced... hovered" makes more sense.

I feel like less happens in this chapter as compared to the previous two chapters; I'm guessing we'll discover the significance of the poisoning and Airis' newfound abilities will be clarified in later chapters, but at the moment it feels a bit like fluff. Which isn't necessarily bad and can sometimes be necessary, but somehow this chapter left me feeling "enh." Perhaps you could milk the transition for some more character development or realizations on Airis' part, play into her slight insanity (which you mentioned before, in chapter 1).

Another thing I noticed was that it seemed like the description at the beginning of the chapter contradicts the description at the end of the previous chapter -- chapter two has Seth clutching his stomach just after the white-haired man leaves, but at the beginning of this chapter you describe him remaining motionless and statue-like for several minutes etc before clutching his stomach and collapsing.

i like your story so far but stop dissing twilight it dosn't realy matter if you like it or not it's still beound rude but besides that i think you're hurting your story by trying to make it untwilight like becuase of the big gap of space where he was was watching her and cetching her when she fainted it leaves at least me confused...good luck with writeing i hope to see more soon...

Review Game!

And the plot thickens. I'm glad you named the vampire; I can understand why you didn't name him in the first chapter for certain reasons, but he needed a name. I'd go as far as to say I would have liked you to name the white-haired-man as well (the hunter?). It makes it easier to keep them straight, to be honest, and thus easier to follow the plot. I also liked Airis' reaction to waking up quite a bit, although your use of sentence fragments to show her abrupt half-thoughts was a bit overmuch in my opinion (with the exception of the one-line thought "Vampire", which was just about perfect).

I might rethink your physical descriptions of the room she wakes up in, as well as the white haired man's destruction thereof. I didn't get a clear sense of what the room looked like, to be honest, I couldn't tell the difference between your 'room separators' and walls. What about this scene would be significantly changed by describing it as a room with a locked door, and having the white-haired man, say, knock down the door? Or perhaps even better a room without a door, and having the man blow a hole in the wall? I've never even heard of an obsidian floor, and I found it hard to imagine (I settled on something pretty much the same as black marble, without striations). Likewise the white-filter for light was puzzling (a white light filter filters nothing, by definition).

Review Game!

I think this chapter could have done with a little bit more explanation; while Airis' actions make more sense given your note at the bottom, if you could have worked that into the beginning of the chapter it would have flowed better and more naturally, and I wouldn't have been left wondering "wait, what?".

For the most part, I enjoyed your language, although it has the tendency towards the maudlin and over-ornate. As an example, your descriptions of the vampire's eyes went over the top, in my opinion, although you might be doing that to prove a point about vampires -- I'm not sure this early on in the story.