|Reviews for Hemophobia|
| Agent.Frappuccino 3/18/10 . chapter 1
I love sci-fi stories, but mix them with manga and japanese terms and all you see is a huge question mark on top my head lol. Sorry, just being honest. I thank you for posting what those mean in the end though, I really found it helpful, especially for a struggling person like me lol. Anyway, here is my review:
I was kind of happy you didn't go full MANGA/JAPANESE on me because I would have been lost! I like sci-fi so I was immediately hooked into the story line. I like how it started at a very climactic scene from which they were leaving their home. I thought that was a very natural thing to do lol. And I am happy that you posted your first story on ficpress by concocting a story with so much promise! I praise you for your structural abilities my friend :). I also liked how you gave a few background information about the human's current situation with the planet. It was just a gist, but it was enough to keep me on my toes. Overall, I thought it was a strong prologue. The names might not be able to stick with me though- not saying that your characters are unmemorable, its just the japanese names I always get confused, even if i'm reading a manga lol. Overall, great job. Only thing, I think, you should work on is past and present tense. You get those mixed up a lot throughout the chapter. I do it too though lol.
Things you can tweak:
I wake up every morning to the same sounds, gunshots, screams and explosions. [Remember, you are writing PAST tense, so keep things past tense. "I woke up every morning to the same sounds: gunshots, screams, and explosions]
Fortunately my sister and me [it should be "my sister and I"] were spared from the fate of our parents and escaped.
Most of the errors could be easily fix with proof-reading, so I won't spoon fill you the details lol
Great job and I can't wait to hear from you soon!
| JdoubleC 1/26/10 . chapter 1
I love it!
| Anise Cary 1/26/10 . chapter 3
You have an excellent grasp of how to create imagery. I can clearly picture the sunrise from chapter 1: morning sun in a mix of black and orange (paraphrased sorry). Thanks so much for posting the Japanese word list, it was very helpful, I would have been scowering the net otherwise to find definitions. I really enjoy the little intros to chapters 1 & 2, they got my right into the story. The ending of chapter 2 was an excellent image again, and wow what a way to leave people hanging. Love the way you used bold print to deliniate the dream, makes it so much easier to understand. I'd love to know more about how the Arkilai came to Earth and how the war started as well as how things are going in the rest of the world. One thing to watch for, when starting a sentence with Akai and ... you need to use I not me. I'd also like a little more description of the characters to make it as easy to picture them as the setting. All in all well written keep it up.
| Classy Broad 1/26/10 . chapter 2
I guess I should have looked at this chapter before asking you to put descriptions about the aliens anyways nice use of descriptions I can see this image right now in my head especially when you described the fight. God, poor Miyuki, definitley feel sad for her the poor girl. oh and good job of building suspense in the next chapter too which I'll definitely continue to read once I get the time ;P
| Classy Broad 1/26/10 . chapter 1
Alright going to be completely honest with you, I don't really have the taste for sci-fi and more it's japanese, I never got used to Japanese names... :S But I'm doing my best and once I got a little used to some unfamiliar words (mostly in the middle part) I'm completely catching up with your story your descriptions are excellent but maybe you could describe the aliens a bit more? Oh finally saw the Japanese aids at the bottom, thanks for adding that up because I would surely have been lost) anyways interesting chapter and now I'm off to the next!
| Kobra Kid 1/26/10 . chapter 1
OH wow, this is great! :D I loved it, every thing was detailed and you could get a great sense of how the world is corrupted because of the war. It was a really great chapter and can't wait to read more.
P.S. Please review my story, thanks!
| Dreamers-Requiem 1/25/10 . chapter 3
It's getting more dramatic, and I think you've written the action scenes well. The only thing I have to say at the moment is that she didn't seem too bothered about the blood when they were in the car, especially as there was so much emphasis on it in the second chapter. I'd suggest maybe show her struggling against her fear or something?
I am really liking it so far, and look forward to the next update.
| Dreamers-Requiem 1/24/10 . chapter 1
Sounds really interesting, and you can tell it's well thought out.
This may just be something that bugs me, but sometimes it feels like Japanese words can be over-used in something like this. If they are speaking English, I can understand dropping in the odd word. However, if they're speaking in Japanese (making it almost like a translation in itself) then I would suggest cutting back on the actual Japanese words used. Again, that might just be me so yeah.
Anyway, it is well written and I look forward to reading a bit more when I have the time tomorrow.
| Rock Happens 1/24/10 . chapter 1
Hey, there :D
First the technical stuff:
"Fortunately[add comma] my sister and [me] were spared from the fate of our parents and escaped." - '...my sister and I...'.
"Ten years have passed since the year 2546 and nothing has changed, we are still at war and [there] seems like it’ll never end." - Omit 'there'.
"Actually[add comma] it was the reason why I couldn’t go to sleep."
"I[add comma] then[add comma] put my pillow over my head so that I can block out the noise outside so I could sleep."
“So it’s time[add comma] huh Aiko?” - There might be a comma after 'huh' but I'm not certain...
"Suddenly[add comma] I felt sick to my stomach and I ran into the bathroom vomiting everything into the toilet until there was nothing else left in of what I ate for dinner."
"Truthfully[add comma] anything was better than that."
"Other than tripping over a couple of twigs and falling[add comma] I was unharmed."
"Aiko[add comma] on the other hand[add comma] walked through without falling or tripping once, it was like she had been here before."
"I hope Uncle Jon (the Japanese version of John) is doing okay,..." - The bit in the parantheses can be left out and put in as a footnote, it kills the flow.
“As we [pasted] the old school I noticed that the playground was still intact.” – Spelling: changed ‘pasted’ to ‘passed’. Pasted is the past tense of paste (the act of gluing).
“I wish [i] could go back to those days with Mom, Dad and Auntie Karol, but that was impossible and it hurt me every time I thought about it.”
“Even though she was still a tomboy[add comma] she talked in a more girlish way than before and she rambled on about a boy that she likes at school.”
And, yes, I am a comma freak, haha.
A very well thought-out plot, that I enjoyed reading a lot and I will defiantly review some more, maybe after some sleep though…its after 2 here…
P.S. If you get a chance, please reviews for 'Fallen'. It would be much appreciated. Thanks!
| KelaBelle 10/24/09 . chapter 3
Very catchy so far... I'm enjoying this story, your grammars seems good so does the work your putting into it. I can tell your putting allot of work into your stories. Lovely x
| A Silence in Winter 10/23/09 . chapter 3
I really like the premise of this story. it's engaging and fun, and it makes me see it anime style, which I believe is what you wanted. :) So, good job there!
As I said, you have a lot of good elements here, but I think that there are just a few loose ends and gaps in the story.
For one thing, the girls started out not too far outside of Tokyo. Then, they walked through the woods to their cousin's house. Now, they are going to school in Kyoto. When I was in Japan, it took us a five hour car ride to get from Gifu to Kyoto, and Gifu is in between Kyoto and Tokyo. I understand that is WAY in the future, but since we are living in /your/ future, you have to tell us what kinds of things your world is capable of. Maybe they can travel that far in enough time to get to school each day. Who knows? You do, and you have to tell us if that's what's going on. :)
In addition, there has been a ton of action. That's not a bad thing, especially the way you do it. I've noticed that your action is very flowing and coherent. Frankly, it's rather beautiful. I enjoy it. What I don't really enjoy is the fact that there is so much action, I haven't really gotten to know the characters at all and it's already chapter 3. :/ I feel like by now I should care more about Miyuki and Haruko than I do. I understand that a lot of bad things happened to them, but I don't actually know who they are...
Also, that bit about the scar that you threw in was a little off the wall and random. As a rule of thumb, I usually believe it a good thing to introduce elements about the main characters appearance that are key factors in the story, such as the scar, early on unless the character him/herself does not know about it, i.e. a scar on the back of the neck that they knew existed and someone says, "Hey! Lookie! What's that on the back of your neck?"
There were also a couple typos I noticed. The biggest one I saw was that you italicized some Japanese words, but not all. I think it's a great idea to use words from the country in this story, however, if you're going to italicize words from a foreign language, you need to italicize /all/ of them and not just the uncommon ones.
Another was just a missing word.
"“I you still feel sick you can stay home today.”" - I think you mean -if- you still feel sick. ;33
Anyway, that's what I saw. I hope I didn't sound like I thought it was atrocious, because it most certainly wasn't! I really enjoyed the story, actually. :) As I said, it's innovative and different, which is good in this plethora of repetitiveness that is FictionPress, unfortunately. I'm looking forward to seeing how this story turns out and if the humans will be able to defeat the Arkilai! :)
Keep up the great work! -Leigh
| Mintiee 9/2/09 . chapter 3
once again it was interesting, but i had a bit of trouble understanding what was happening at the beginning. i think you made a few mistakes which made it confusing. but other than that it was really intriguing and dramatic. keep up the good work!
| Mintiee 9/2/09 . chapter 2
i feel really sorry for the girl. what a horrible experience to go through. you have a clear descriptive style and i got a really clear picture of what was happening. nice work.
| Mintiee 9/2/09 . chapter 1
this seems like a very interesting idea so far. You've got a nice writing style. Can't wait to read more.
| Chancee 7/17/09 . chapter 2
Wow that is as exciting as ever. I like the details and the poor girl and her family situation is just horrific. I like how you keep the emotion here at a steady pace as in it is not overly depressing and it is not overly vengeful. Actually it is a comfortable read and it makes you want to empathize with the girls.
There were very few typos and nothing else that would mess up the read for me. I think you thought it out well enough so great job with your outlining.
I wish they get some good training in so they can help with the war when they get older. I also am curious to see what else will happen. Okay I will have to try and get back to this story and I am glad you brought it to the Roadhouse.
Momo - Pay it forward the Roadhouse