|Reviews for Icarus Project|
| Frayling0 9/1/11 . chapter 1
Hey there :) Great and intriguing start! I loved the insight into Charle's mind, and I can definitely see more conflict approaching... both physically, and definitely within his psyche too. I'm intrigued - nice to see a well progressed story! Luke
| xrolipolix 8/6/10 . chapter 3
Hullow! Reviewing as we go
-I love the first paragraph and the way it sets everything up so very fluidly. :D It's neat and flowing and keeps me interested, as well as shows the readers a bit more of Ingrid's character.
-The way Ingrid interacts with her mother is really well done, in my opinion. It seems realistic, given her age, and I can really relate to why she doesn't want to speak to her mother and why she's unsure of how the mother is going to react. Well done!
-"Ingrid hasn't seen her father in years and didn't plan on wanting to."
Did you mean 'hadn't'? Otherwise it's sorta tense-flippy.
-I like how you put the divorce, if that makes sense. Usually it's the caregiver of the protagonist who's the victim in divorces, but here she is shown to be the attacker. The moral ambiguity just makes the mother seem a lot more... human, if that makes sense. :D
-"Ingrid rest her head against the car window, watching raindrops roll down its glassy skin."
I really like that line, especially the 'glassy skin' part.
-The whole raindrops race thing is really sweet. It shows a lot of the relationship Ingrid has with her little sister and it's really quite sweet. :)
-“…Life wasn't fair, but hell nothing ever was.”
This whole sequence to me makes Ingrid out to be whiny and a bit of a drama queen at this point. This is good in that this makes her seem more human, with very typical teen issues and complaints, but I’m not sure if that’s how you wanted her to come across. Is it? Either way, I still like her from her previous actions.
-I quite liked this chapter! It introduces us nicely to Bree and shows a softer side to Ingrid’s character, which is brilliant in that it helps us relate to her more and more. The ending ensures that interest is kept and weaves in together nicely with all the mystery. :D Very good work!
| xrolipolix 7/28/10 . chapter 2
Reviewing as we go along
-I'm not sure why 'cafeteria' is capitalised. It's always been a common noun to me. OwO
-"Jock, goth, nerd, skinhead, geek, prep, punk, stoners, "perfects", gang-bangers, leper, etcera etcera."
Lepers made me laugh. XD But I think you meant 'etcetera'.
-"In the real world, the one "they" are blind too, all that mattered was image. What you looked like to everyone else, made a huge impact on how you lived. It was just how it worked."
Did you mean 'to' and not 'too'? Because with the 'too' it doesn't make sense. And with 'are', did you mean 'were'? And with the comma between the 'else' and 'made', is that supposed to be there? S'just that to me it sounds funny. Like: "What you looked like to everyone else (pause) ... made a huge impact on how you lived." To me it just sounds funny.
-I find Ingrid's views on friends interesting. I can relate to the sort of mentality, haha. XD It's a familiar sort of cynicism that I think anyone who's been to high school can understand. So far I see her as an interesting character, human, and easy to relate to.
-"Ingrid realized she had been standing there trying to find her friends for too long. She must look like a leper by now, and that was unacceptable."
I dunno, but to me there looks like a bit of a tense flip. You go from past tense int he first sentence to present in the second sentence. Did you mean: "She must've looked like a leper now"?
-"Thirdly you had to focus on where you're going or you'll look like a drunken cow…whatever that looks like."
Again I think there might have been a tense flip. You see, it goes from 'Thirdly you HAD to focus on you're [which I'm reading as 'you were'] going or you'll [which I'm reading as you WILL, as in future tense]..." Did you mean 'or you'd'? It's the same with 'looks'. Did you mean 'looked'? *Shrug* S'just how I'm reading it.
-"There was just something about the word that filled you with a tiring dread. And when Monday rolled around you knew it in your gut."
I dunno about the full stop. The 'and' is sentence joiny thing, right? I can understand how you can start sentences with 'and', for stylistic purposes and for emphasis and whatnot, but I don't think it needs to be there. The whole thing seems like one sentence to me. Maybe a comma instead?
-""Yo! Ingrid get your ass over here!""
It's a general rule-thingy that commas are used to separate the name of the person being addressed. For example:
"Let's go watch the tigers eat grandma!"
"Let's go watch the tigers eat, grandma!"
See how the use of the comma changes the meaning of the sentence entirely? That's why we put them before and after the name of the person being addressed. _
So instead of ""Yo! Ingrid get your ass over here!"" it would be ""Yo! Ingrid, get your ass over here!""
-"Roxanne smirked crunched up the detention slip and free shot it into the trash can."
Another one with commas, if you're listing something, let it be days of the week, groceries, actions, things you could list, you also use a comma. It also separates the sentence to make it easier to read. So instead of "Roxanne smirked crunched up the detention slip and free shot it into the trash can." maybe it could be "Roxanne smirked, crunched up the detention slip, and free shot it into the trash can."
-""Don't do that again," Ingrid warned, taking her usual seat next to Jules who, barely acknowledged her, but with a nod."
The use of commas here makes the sentence seem a little broken. Try reading your work out loud, pausing at the commas and full stops and semi colons and whatnot. This helps you get a grips on where to pause and where a pause isn't needed. However, it's not only the commas. The wording is a bit weird to me. I'd say you could drop the commas there and get rid of the last bit. Or, if you do want the nod bit, maybe "... taking her usual seat next to Jules who only acknowledged her with a nod”?
-“A sharp laughter caused the look to fall, replaced by a scowl.”
I don’t there is something called ‘a’ laughter. I mean, there’s laughter, but that’s because it’s a plural. ‘A’ is usually used for the singular – plurals don’t usually need them. Maybe you could just drop the ‘a’, or if you do want the ‘a’ you could always say “A sharp bout of laughter”, as ‘bout’ is a singular sort of word-thingie.
-I find Roxanne to be the sort of girl who’s fearless, the strong one. She’s interesting and her personality is endearing. :D
-“"Oh really?" Roxanne inquired, taking a sip of her .”
… Taking a sip of her INVISIBLE DRINK! SO INVISIBLE EVEN THE NAME IS INVISIBLE! XDD
-“"Like you did when you put the dead fish in the vents or when you keyed ' car?"”
Missing another word, methinks. :P
-“Harper on the other hand wore a face of a concerned mother.”
Did you mean ‘the face of a concerned mother”?
-Jeanette sounds interesting. Though at first she comes across as the regular ‘queen bee dog-woman’ sort of stereotype, she’s later shown to be quite compassionate. I like that! It’s different and therefore intriguing.
-“… she felt sick with jealous…”
Did you mean ‘jealousy’?
-Ingrid’s character is beginning to annoy me. That ain’t a bad thing, though. I know that I’d get annoyed at a friend if I was trying to help them and all they’d do is push my advice away or ignore my attempt to help. But that goes to show: Ingrid is human. She complains, she isn’t perfect, she can be annoying. Awesomeness.
-“Straining, Ingrid could infer that he was checking off…a list. A list of what though?”
I dunno about you, but usually I find it incredibly hard to see what people are doing from a distance, especially if what they are doing involves a notebook. There isn’t much that distinguishes the checking-off of lists and just… doodling. Unless he was making really obvious “CHE-ECK” sort of movements or mumbling it, pers’nally I think it’d be really hard to know whether or not he had a list.
Remember that the character is not omniscient and can’t know everything. The reader is seeing everything from her eyes so, naturally, she’s going to be wrong some time. Just sayin’, as everything she’s said so far is reality, things that are usually just educated guesses.
Though there isn’t anything wrong with having her be right, having her being right all the time can eventually become unrealistic. Unless she’s a psychic or has mind-reading powers. Is she? Does she? Maybe, but if not, just a warning.
-“… eyes slowly slide over each student as if he could understand every little thing about them.”
First off, did you mean ‘slid’? Otherwise the tense flips into present. Secondly, again there’s that ‘always guessing right’ sort of thing. Can he read minds? See into people’s thoughts? What you’ve done here is called foreshadowing; it’s a literary technique used by writers to help clue them in on what might happen in the story. However, Ingrid’s guesses are becoming scarily accurate, again, nearly to the point of being unrealistic. That’s okay if realism isn’t exactly what you’re going for, and it’s okay because I could be wrong. Maybe you knew that I’d think this and purposely put this in to throw me off. Maybe he’s actually a shape-shifter or hula-hoop monster. I’ll read on to make sure. Just sayin’ my initial thoughts as I go along. :P
-Reading on, it’s in character for Ingrid to trust her instinct, so it makes sense that if she thinks that someone can see through students and is writing a list and so on, then it’ll be her reality, which is why it’s being shown to be reality in the story, if that makes sense. So that clears up quite a bit, however, again, her instinct can’t always be right. Jus’ sayin’. I mean, how many times have you looked at something and have gone ‘oh, that looks yummy’, taken a bite and found it disgusting? Or some other similar situation. :P
Though it’s not much of an issue right now, being that we’re so early in the story, I’m just warning you. If she continues to be right again and again and again… the readers are going to get suspicious. Am I makin’ sense? Heh. :P
-“Her back teased tight…”
-“Her concentration was shattered like glass.”
I really like the imagery that this line offers!
- Interesting chapter! It kept me reading and I really enjoyed doing so! I’m confused as to why it’s gone from this sci-fi sorta setting with doctors and Charles (Who I really miss, btw) to this typical high school scene. Oohh, I’m excited to see how it all links together. Great work!
| ImmortalDreams 7/27/10 . chapter 10
Awesome chapter! You're really good at this! If you were to edit this though, maybe you could mention Ingrid's guilt about her promise to Harper. The one about staying alive? Just a suggestion.
P.S. I wish I had the patients to write novel length stuff too. :(
I'm working on it though! )
| ImmortalDreams 7/27/10 . chapter 7
Whoa! They think she's Jeanette?
| Vivian Ruth Bardot 7/27/10 . chapter 41
... Sequel first. Then prequel.
| ImmortalDreams 7/27/10 . chapter 2
It doesn't seem like a final draft and could use some polishing but you've got me hooked! Nice! :)
| Vivian Ruth Bardot 7/27/10 . chapter 22
1) Evils cats go well.
2) I too have always wanted to use that word
3) Really? I didn't notice.
4) As is expected
5) This is a distraction for me. I should be working
6) They'll never know! Bwahaha
| Vivian Ruth Bardot 7/27/10 . chapter 18
It'd be great if there was another riot and Ingrid escaped.
| xrolipolix 7/27/10 . chapter 1
Owow. What caught me was the title - I've always been one for myths and stuff, and I recognised the name. And then it was the summary! Oh, but what really interested me was the viewpoint character that you chose.I mean, usually you have the story from the experiment-person's viewpoint, but having it from the guy who has to sedate them just opens up a whole new world! I mean, really, it's quite interesting! It's something new and I'm looking forward to see how he deals with everything. OwO
I like how you've written the first paragraph! It's fast, the sentence structure quite jumpy - it shows that Charle's is rushing and gives that atmosphere of urgency. Also, the opening sentence catches attention! It invites the reader to ask questions like "Why is he in a hurry?" And then it answers them with something that is even more interesting - the transfusion. I'm really looking forward to how that goes! This looks really interesting, awesome chapter!
| Vivian Ruth Bardot 7/26/10 . chapter 7
Of course. It's Jeanette they want. Go figure, you know? I didn't see that coming.
| Vivian Ruth Bardot 7/26/10 . chapter 5
Oh, I knew that was coming. I'm not going to review every chapter or anything, I just needed to say I knew that was going to happen. And that you are really, really, REALLY good. I mean, there are some grammatical errors, but I can overlook those for the sake of of the story. You've given me some ideas for my stories! But don't worry, I won't steal yours!
| Twisted-FaerieTale 7/26/10 . chapter 41
What a beautiful ending to an amazing story! I love how you ended it with each person's point of view. I'm looking forward to reading the prequel, sequel, and anything else you are thinking of writing.
| The Taxidermist 7/25/10 . chapter 1
The plot so far seems very interesting, and I like the position you put the main character(?) in(:
The only problems I have with the story are it's mechanics. My first example: "It was his job, well part of it." could be changed to: "It was his job, well, part of it" or "It was his job; well, part of it." or "It was his job, or at least, part of it"
Changes like these could be made throughout to make the story flow, and make the dialogue sound more natural. Little things like that help a story A LOT.
| Dagonmaster 7/25/10 . chapter 41
Hey, first off, I want to sincerely apologize for not reviewing sooner.
The summer has been pretty busy in regards to my personal life as well as my prepping for my first semester in college.
With that said, my free time has been limited, and was unable to leave a review.
Also, I want to extend my apologizes for not acknowledging your review that you gave me in terms of my work.
I eternally thank you for that response, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
But alas, I'm definitely rambling now, so I'll get right to the review.
The epilogue to a story is considered to be one of the hardest things to pull off.
In regards to the story as a whole, it needs to tie together all the elements apparent within the tale, and resolve them in some form.
With that in mind, I believe you've done a fabulous job with the story.
From beginning to end, it was a captivating narrative, that was filled with tremendous depth and complexity.
One of the major aspects that made this work great in my view, was your characterization.
The personalities of Ingrid, Jade and everyone else, were well fleshed out,and had there own sense of identity.
To me this is an important factor for throughout most stories within this site, people tend to either mimic or borrow certain characteristics from other works.
With that being the case, I'm glad you chose to create and develop well rounded individuals within your story.
Another trait that I appreciated within your work was your narrative.
While it can use some editing in certain spots, it had great pacing and was very compelling.
This is big, because while I do like Scfi, sometimes the whole human experimentation theme and higher organization idea can be undeveloped or repetitive.
With that said, your tale was superb, and I hadn't felt any of the sentiment mentioned above.
In regards to the next installment, I am curious what's going to happen with Ingrid, now that they've escaped.
But off course this isn't going to happen immediately for you're going to focus on a prequel.
I respect this decision for I'm also curious to see how it all began.
All in all, it was a great story, with a perfect ending.