I really liked this you have such beautiful imagery. I can imagine every word you say. "I hiccupped happiness" I like that line alot."epidermis and rocking on my knees" I dont know that i really like that wording because it just kind of throws of the flow. Very nice poem.

Let's start out with the fact that I really HATE reading long poetry. It's just not my style. However, your review for Sparrow was the best I've gotten in a long time, so OFF I GO!

I feel like 'clapping' is a strange verb for the third line, because I can't quite visualize what you're trying to say. Is it actually making noise? and what is reversed downward? Is that upward? Or counter-clockwise going down?

Hiccupped happiness, however is a really good image. I can completely see bubbles shimmering from your mouth and your hand covering your mouth with surprise. Even though you can't see the mouth any longer, your eyes are making it obvious that you're smiling behind them. Woah, see? Good enough to send me off on a visual rant.

I think you could leave out the 'the' in 'with the sweat' I find it unnecessary.

Epidermis, while a good word, always carries with it a joking, happy feel. It's just the way the word sounds, and I don't think it fits with the vibe of this poem.

I really like the lamb's blood image, and the biblical invocation, but I feel like this powerful thought could be worded more efficiently. It worked, and I wanted it to work, but it didn't slide me along the thought effortlessly. 'even though I'm first-born' PERFECT.

A post-it note slut? VERY nice. Almost a 'scarlet letter', yeah? I like that most so far. I think that's the best part of the poem.

'ugly to anyone's eyes' seems like a weak way to end this powerful stanza. I feel like you have something better to go with the vivid image of dripping and sloppy grey matter.

The second to last stanza is the most powerful over-all. It's strong all the way through, and carries your message. Dang, I know exactly how this feels. And the worst part is I want his mom so much to like me! You've captured that feeling very effectively.

This poem is beautiful. And I'm even more honored that you liked mine, now. Bonus points for keeping my attention through a very long poem, and having a last line that powerhouses this poem.

Jo.

"So unlike my opaque skin with transparent memory clapping underneath"

I like the imagery in this line, but somehow I feel it breaks up the flow. Perhaps it's something as simple as the length compared to the rest of the lines in the stanza. I'm not sure, but I think it's just a personal thing because it's no really no glaring flaw.

"I hiccupped happiness:"

Aw, such a sweet image. The alliteration is nice, too. It's just so flowy.^^

"Until I could feel my heart knocking on my epidermis and rocking on my knees;"

I don't really like the word "epidermis" in this context. While you do have a very rich vocabulary throughout the poem, it just seems /too/ complicated, too technical, which is kind of distracting from an otherwise beautiful, emotional scene.

"I doubt I’d remember to smear lamb’s blood above my door
If the plagues ever came, even though I’m first-born,"

I love this line. Biblical allusions are always the greatest, especially in this case.

"And each breath making warm, misty hearts more pronounced just below our noses."

Oh wow. This has to be my favorite line of all. Just perfectly portrayed.

I don't know what else to say, really. This is a beautiful poem--a long one--but a beautiful one nonetheless. Although I felt it dragged on in the middle stanzas, everything overall seemed to have its place, whiuch I commend you for.

at first i found myself thinking "how am i gonna get through this" because of the sheer volume of how much you'd written, but i'm so glad i didn't skim and concentrated on it because you told such a beautiful story here. and it was absolutely heartbreaking. i wouldn't change a thing. this should be on every parent's reading list hhaha

I really like this a lot, especially the lines about rescuing you out of the garbage bin--only to be put into the recycling. That's beautifully said. Just one of the wonderful images in this poem.

The overall theme, especially with the contrast of you to the housewife that is his mother (and inferentially his wife) is simply excellent.

In the fourth stanza, fourth line, the word "technology" stuck out, seeming out of place. Not trying to nitpick, honestly, but that's the only word in the poem that seemed like it was almost, but not quite, right. Maybe "communication" or "device?" I know what you're trying to say, but picking the right word is difficut there.

Honestly, that's the only critique I can give you. Wonderfully written poem.

Okay something I didn't like at first was the format. When I first opened this poem, it looked quite daunting because of the blocks of text. However I think that the content makes up for it. You use imagery beautifully. I also liked the Bible references in it (which is shocking seeing as I'm not religious at all) and I think that they added a lot to the poem.
'If the plagues ever came, even though I’m first-born,' (That is a reference to the Bible, right? lol)
Another thing that I thought was well done in this was the enjambement. I makes the reader think about what has been said.
I also thought that this line was really well done: 'Our love was lobotomized before it fully developed' as was the metaphor of lobotomy.
Anyway, great poem. Really, really amazing, I think you have talent.

To be honest, I found this poem. From the first line to the last line, I could picture random flashes of images that are somehow dark. (Maybe, I'm just too tired to actually let my brain work! Sorry.) But, I love the poem. You used good imagery that mirrors the overall tone and mood in the poem. All the images you're painting are easy to imagine. In fact, it's so easy to picture out that it came like flashes. Your first stanza is enticing and somehow dramatic. That made me love this poem. It set your narrative. I love the poem. Great imagery! Good setting! Nice word choice! Keep up the good work! :)

(P.S. I'll try to read the poem again. Just in case I missed some points, I'll tell it to you immediately.)

Julia! *cling*

I think this is the most beautiful thing ever written, and I thank you with all my heart for dedicating it to me. I'm crying a little. This is perfect perfect perfect, just so absolutely perfect, I couldn't imagine how anyone could have done better. I don't think it would be possible... I love this!

*clings harder*

Love,
~Dia