Dun Dun Dun. We went from a new Narnia to a new Never Ending Story. w00t!

Ah, I love Afedi. Hehe “Darling, I own that hulking box.” He's awesome. Oh yes. I also like how Carmen is fighting him everytime she can. Yay!

I was half hoping that the creatures just looked scary but were nice. But then, I am fond of twists like that.

This is like a new Narnia. I've got a Narnia. Actually, in my house if you walk through my room and through my closet is another room. When I watch my nephew he sleeps in there or my friends. But we sometimes call it Narnia.

Anyway, I'm really liking this one.

Ooh. Cliffy. I love Carmen's last name. Lilywhite. Wonderful.

[Cecelia turned her head into the fabric, “Where are we going?” her voice was muffled]

The comma after fabric should be a period. It can't act as a tagline, since turning your head into fabric can't produce words. "her voice was muffled" isn't a tagline either, so her should be capitalized.

[“You stick close to me, Ceci,” Carmen warned her.]

The dialogue itself shows what the said-bookism tells. No need to force it even more. "Carmen said" would work just as, or more, fine.

[Carmen sighed resignedly]

The adverb is kind of redundant.

[A moment’s consideration, then; “Yes, pwease!”]

O_o Pretty sure that semi-colon use is incorrect.

There are a few cases of passive voice here (usually indicated by words like was, to be, are, were, that stuff).

- Review Marathon explains the rushed review, link in profile.

O

Ep! But loving the interplay between Carmen and Afedi, sexual tension rocks!

Love it as always

Gx

*Glomps*

I love it I love it I love it. And I love Afedi, and generally everything. And now I have review alerts! And an account! Woot!

What I don't like:

This story is very, very heavily dialogue based. I say this because it's in the fantasy section, and a little narrative and description every now and then would be nice.

Also, I see a few grammar mistakes, such as: Carmen laughed, “yes, I see. Well done, darling.”

The yes should still be capitalized.

Cecelia stifled a giggle at being asked all these important questions, and she managed a nod.

But she managed a nod would work better. You also overused adverbs a lot: 'It was completely and utterly empty.'

Besides some technicalities, okay start.

-Review Marathon, link in profile