|Reviews for The Moore's and The Lilywhite|
| Sushi 10/28/09 . chapter 4
Dun Dun Dun. We went from a new Narnia to a new Never Ending Story. w00t!
| Sushi 10/28/09 . chapter 3
Ah, I love Afedi. Hehe “Darling, I own that hulking box.” He's awesome. Oh yes. I also like how Carmen is fighting him everytime she can. Yay!
| Sushi 10/28/09 . chapter 2
I was half hoping that the creatures just looked scary but were nice. But then, I am fond of twists like that.
This is like a new Narnia. I've got a Narnia. Actually, in my house if you walk through my room and through my closet is another room. When I watch my nephew he sleeps in there or my friends. But we sometimes call it Narnia.
Anyway, I'm really liking this one.
| Sushi 10/28/09 . chapter 1
Ooh. Cliffy. I love Carmen's last name. Lilywhite. Wonderful.
| Chasing Skylines 4/26/09 . chapter 2
[Cecelia turned her head into the fabric, “Where are we going?” her voice was muffled]
The comma after fabric should be a period. It can't act as a tagline, since turning your head into fabric can't produce words. "her voice was muffled" isn't a tagline either, so her should be capitalized.
[“You stick close to me, Ceci,” Carmen warned her.]
The dialogue itself shows what the said-bookism tells. No need to force it even more. "Carmen said" would work just as, or more, fine.
[Carmen sighed resignedly]
The adverb is kind of redundant.
[A moment’s consideration, then; “Yes, pwease!”]
O_o Pretty sure that semi-colon use is incorrect.
There are a few cases of passive voice here (usually indicated by words like was, to be, are, were, that stuff).
- Review Marathon explains the rushed review, link in profile.
| Galadriel1010 1/1/09 . chapter 4
Ep! But loving the interplay between Carmen and Afedi, sexual tension rocks!
Love it as always
| Galadriel1010 12/30/08 . chapter 3
I love it I love it I love it. And I love Afedi, and generally everything. And now I have review alerts! And an account! Woot!
| Chasing Skylines 12/27/08 . chapter 1
What I don't like:
This story is very, very heavily dialogue based. I say this because it's in the fantasy section, and a little narrative and description every now and then would be nice.
Also, I see a few grammar mistakes, such as: Carmen laughed, “yes, I see. Well done, darling.”
The yes should still be capitalized.
Cecelia stifled a giggle at being asked all these important questions, and she managed a nod.
But she managed a nod would work better. You also overused adverbs a lot: 'It was completely and utterly empty.'
Besides some technicalities, okay start.
-Review Marathon, link in profile