 effervescent-sentiments 2008-12-27 . chapter 1While normally I would give advice to the contrary, I think this poem could use some articles and other small words to make it more sensical and clear.
"i am enamored by your scents,
ciliated leaves, (great word, by the way)
mouth speckled an offending red.
...
the house that slams its door shut
and offers no escape"
and on your last line, unless you had some very important meaning to convey that I'm about to ruin (in which case ignore me), I think it might be an even more horrific to add these simple words (or something like them):
other than to dissolve in poison.
Perhaps you could run with that idea, since it's a little wordy? Maybe it's just me, but that seems like a more jarring ending.
Very nice poem - I love your macabre vocabulary.
~Effervescent-Sentiments |