absolutely stunning finish to this story. "stunning" as in, i'm stunned. half of me like WHAT and the other half is like WOW.

i'm still a little confused on the details, partly because i rushed through this story in the wee hours of the night and might have missed things. who killed dante? am i stupid for not figuring it out? watch, i'll remember reading it two seconds after i submit this review or something :)

anyway, thrilling story.

OMG! I loved this story and now Im crying...Is this the last chapter? OMG I have never been into a story so much. I loved it!

oh no...i can't wait to find out what happens next...

Usually, reading a story requires more than 1 chapter to do it some justice should I want to review it, so here it is, in some form of depth XP

First thing first. It's mystery. That's a rather big plus for me, especially if written well. It's not like other kinds of genres where... well, after reading some synopsis and some paragraphs, you kinda get the gist of it. Not to sound crude to anyone, but basically that's how I feel about fantasy stories relating to vampires, werewolves, teenage angst, and/or romance of any age.

I digress. Anyway, from the first two chapters, I've grasped a few things that allow me to find it an enjoyable read. It made me start thinking. That's a big plus - mysteries that make you think about it and making random hypotheses generally got the mystery portion down quite well, and that's a big plus. It's also even better because I got it from the characters' actions, dialogues, and their thoughts. Show no tell :D

However, there were a few places where you could get worked on. For example, some actions and descriptions required closer/more than one read over, since the sentences were not exactly concise, and made me confused. One part would have been GJ's exit from Tessa's, including his entry. Like, I couldn't exactly place what had exactly happened during that scene, and would like some clarification. The other part was mostly the vagueness that the entire chapter possessed. You aren't throwing out a lot, which is great (hence mystery), but some of that ended up making it like: huh? How did this happen? Did it happen just for the sake of happening? What I am talking about is transitions. Some of the transitions were not as clear and smooth as you probably liked them to be. A close read and examining the sentences might help clarifying that part.

The opening in italics was interesting, because I can't exactly see whether the two were the murderers, or involved in some sort of conspiracy, or were actually Tessa and Scott in the near future. Well, I guess I'll eventually find out, right? lol.

Another part that stands out in the two chapters (and possibly in the other chapters) is the engaging dialogue and details for the presentation of the story. I thought they were quite well-done, save for the fact that I can't grasp their age, their physical appearances (the age factor). Another part involving details that confused me was the actual murders, like, how was Scott able to link it all out? Why were the cops thinking, meh, just missing people? I take that this is an urban mystery setting, but why were the families uptight about the whole issue? It looked like a lot of conspiracies behind it, including all the stuff about religion (catholicism, Leviticus (sp?) and whatnot) I am interested in how you will bring these all together (and maybe better in execution than Dan Brown??)

Woah that's one damn long review... well, thanks for the pleasure of reading your work. This is the first good mystery story I've read in a long long time :)

~Kagami

Nice.

The italics at the start provide a brilliant teaser to hook the reader in. And I got hooked. Crime isn't really my thing, but the opening raised just enough questions too keep my interest without confusing me.

The way you've written Tessa and Scott's interactions has a lot of promise for an interesting romance. But it's not obviously heading that way and I'm not convinced I'm right with that prediction. Which is good. As two co-workers who clash against each other they are quite credible.

What I really like though, is your writing style. It doesn't seem over the top and yet it's got flare and descriptive power. You manage to paint the scenes beautifully but without it seeming forced or unnatural.

The plot seemed to flow naturally too. The main points arrived without being beaten into place and the necessary information about the character was weaved into the story without jarring.

So I liked it, and I think I'm going to read the rest now.

great chapter can't wait for the next :D

y'know what? you're a ** genius.

Normally on a freebie I would just do a simple "I like this...because", but you seem to appreciate a more thorough review so I'll just point out anything that catches my eye as I'm reading it. I chose this chapter since it didn't have any reviews yet. :-D

First, I wanted to say, I always appreciate your style of writing so I like when you win my freebies :-D. Second, I haven't read the rest of this story (yet), but I like how I feel as if I can pick up anywhere and it's like I'm starting at the beginning. Yes, I have questions about their past, but I also feel like I am observing someone from this point in their life forward--I don't need a lot of backstory to enjoy it. You do a great job of making each chapter its own.

Okay...now for the official review...

"Several thousand dollar bills were in the billfold." - When I first read this, I thought, 'wow! that is a lot of dollar bills!'--possibly change this to several, thousand-dollar bills? However, I don't know if you are aware of this or not, but thousand dollar bills are no longer in general circulation as of 1969 (last printed in 1945) and they are usually found only in the hands of money collectors...the largest denomination in circulation now is the $100 bill.

"Shaking his head, Scott said, “Look, I just got thee lecture from your Daddy. Your stuck with me.”" - Should be "you're". Also, since it is italicized, I think you can leave it at "the" instead of "thee".

"Flipped the brass clasp, she splayed the selection of credit cards and identification for viewing." - Should be "Flipping". Also, right after that sentence, I think you could cut out the "Conversationally she said," It just feels like too much there and I think it would flow nicer without it.

"Lifting one bunch from their stash point, Tessa flipped through the collection."--You just used a form of "flip" a few paragraphs earlier...how about changing this one to: "sorted" or "rummaged" or "raked" or simply "went"?

"She vaguely remembered him mentioning something about a warning, but she’d never been able to ask for more information. They’d been too busy being shot at." - This made me laugh. Good sense of humor! :-D

“I’d heard things through the grape vine.” - Grapevine is one word.

“I’m gonna catch a cat nap, you may want to do the same.” - catnap is one word.

"Crossing his arms over his chest, he closed his own eyes, leaning back the leather seat and turning his face away." Remove "own"...who else's eyes would he close?

"Her ice blue eyes peered up to the window of her condominium, the ‘on’ living room lamp was noticeable, even through the closed curtains, though that in its self didn’t mean anything." - should be "itself".

"The building she chose to guide them to, was dark and still." Remove the comma between "to" and "was".

"Second nature maybe, as if she’d done it a thousand times before. The redhead stepped around the room and pulled all the blinds down, and checked the backdoor lock ‘just to make sure’." I think this should be one sentence: "Second nature maybe, as if she'd done it a thousand times before, the redhead stepped around the room, pulled all the blinds down, and checked the backdoor lock 'just to make sure'."

"effectively locking up the tiny arsenal.
A tiny smile forming across her full lips," You used tiny twice within two words. I suggest changing the second tiny to "small".

OH...what a great ending to the chapter. Definitely keeps you wanting to know more!

As always...great job! :-D

Beginning: I like how you start off. It seems boring and the descriptions of what wasn't going on sets up what is going to happen.

Plot: The plot, isn't something I haven't seen before, but it is the first chapter so I'll give it a chance.what I see of the first chapter anyway. A coverup or conspiracy or whatever you want to call it, it sound boring. I know it's a crime epic but I've seen this a thousand times in other stories. You need to shake up the plot. do something that hasn't been done a million times over, or do what everyone does...only better. You chose.

Spelling/Grammar: Nothing I could see, however what I was really hoping for was some slang, it makes characters come to life, I barely see any of that. A 'cause, huh, hmm, yep would really help your charcters sound more human and down to Earth rather than preppy.


Writing: The dialouge, as I said before needs work, it sounds to generic, too...corny, but you have a wonderful sense of detail which helps set the mood for an epic.

In all I can tell athat I'm going to enjoy reading this, just work on the dialouge

9.1 out of 10

(P.S don't take it personal if I said your story wasn't really orginal, I loved it, I'm just a critical person and think that somethings need work.)

Ooh, I like this! It is very well written and an excellent tone to the story. I see a nice plot forming too that's causing me to be really curious! I love your characters too, especially Tessa! I'm going go read the other chapters because I really want to find out more!

Review Marathon.

"Twirling his pencil Scott looked up and studied the council member."
- I'd put a comma after pencil, but that may just be a personal preference thing.

"Impeccably groomed he looked like he belonged on a postage stamp."
- I'd also have one after groomed.

I love the questions Scott asks the councilman! He just doesn't stop. I especially like the first one, how he turned the "I wanted to become involved" thing against him with "'So involved that...'"

Huh. Marlayna is... interesting.

"'Which one,' Tessa asked."
- needs a question mark

"we did lose the head of the Demarco family."
"none other than the late Mr. DeMarco."
"Demarco, Deluca, Torrance, Perelli..."
- Is the m capitalized or not?

I like your chapter titles - it's clever. I'd never be able to come up with a class or course that fit for every chapter. And you've done eighteen at this point.

There's the other thing that's consistent in each chapter - the sound at the beginning. It draws the reader in nicely (What's making that noise? I must read on to find out!), and it's also something you don't see all the time.

Review Marathon.

"Propped on one elbow, she stretched to see over the edge of the bed, and viewed the pieces scattered around the bedside table."
- Another amusing detail about Tessa, but I question whether the alarm clock would actually break into pieces.

"Mid yawn she greeted her visitor"
- needs a dash

"Something in the man’s body language made her want to protect herself from what he seemed so nervous to say."
- Interesting sentence, though there's some reason beyond that that causes me to really like it. I'm not sure what it is...

"'How many of your neighbor's know"
- no apostrophe

"The victor was minor, but it felt good."
- victory

"'Ew' she groaned, at the same time grabbing Scott’s coffee mug from his hands and swigging back the lukewarm liquid."
- That's bold, taking someone's coffee when you don't know them that well.

"'Candice told me you went into my cubical yesterday."
- cubicle.
I know, I point out a lot of spelling/grammar stuff, but you're actually pretty good in that area. You're not making a bunch of distracting mistakes. I just tend to notice any that you do make.

"but the woman was curious about the conversation she wasn’t privy too,"
- to

"Scott was heading out of her cubical."
- cubicle

"'Late. How did you make out with the Perelli’s?'"
- no apostrophe

"Tessa exchanged the bible for the telephone book."
- I do like that, but I also find it a little odd because the bible was online and the telephone book doesn't seem to be.

I liked the insights we got into Tessa's life - her last name actually being Morgano, her past with G.J. - but why? Why did she change her name and her life? You've told us more without giving us everything - great.

You've got great dialogue. I especially like the scenes (this chapter, last chapter) with Scott and Tessa. You show their rivalry, and somehow also a hint that they could have a different kind of relationship.

From the Review Marathon! (There's a link in my profile.)

"He refused to put on his glasses, preferring the vanity of squinting."
- Nice detail to include. It tells something about Scott.

"Bringing the silver flask to her full lips, she took a sip."
- But it contains chocolate milk? Haha. Equally nice detail about Tessa.

"On advice from the police the Perelli’s had not paid the requested $100,0."
- no apostrophe needed

"One of her hands rose, absently dismissing his assertion that she was too thin. Begging off the invitation to dine,"
- I like how you let us know what was being said, without actually offering a direct translation, because sometimes that just doesn't fit.

"'Gino, all I need right now is a drink.'"
- So much for not drinking.

"Her use of the Perelli’s first names wasn’t lost on him."
- apostrophe after the s

Great start. I already like your characters, and you've introduced them quite well. I'm particularly interested in their relationship with each other.

And the story itself is interesting. There's the mystery, and then there's that relationship again.

You've got a great writing style - easy to read, and I like the balance between dialogue and description.

[Beginning] I really liked how you started. It really roped you in. Everyone knows that a bored reporter is certainly going to get into some trouble very very soon.

[Plot] The plot, is frankly, cliche... from what I see of the first chapter anyway. Mysterious professional woman, mischievous male reporter, a disappearance and a conspiracy. It can be found in the countless mystery shows and books on T.V. The important thing is what twist you bring to the story. As long as you develop the characters and the plot right, it could turn into something unique.

[Writing] Your writing style really fits the mood and genre. It's also very easy on me as a reader. Lots of dialogue, but I can imagine the scene well. My personal taste is a little bit more moody, but you're doing well.

[Enjoyment] From all perspectives, it's a good set-up chapter for a mystery story. I am intrigued. I just wished you got into the action quicker. I have a short attention span. lol.

What up, winters!

Okay, I like this chapter. I'm caffeinated so i have to nitpick though.

"she waited for Scott, her heart beat hard, ticking off each second." I think here you should prob say "her heart beating hard." It doesn't sound grammatically correct the way it is, even if it is correct. it's just awkward and i think it would really flow better if you said "beating."

"essa hung up the phone explaining," here i would put a comma before "explaining" otherwise it kinda looks/sounds like she hung up something called a "phone explaining."

"In the neighborhood where you?” *were* it's okay i do this sometimes. it's really embarrassing isn't it?

"“I would have hoped for, more of a theory.” i don't understand why there's a comma here.

i hate rubberneckers. that's my favorite term for them though. Have you read Rant by Chuck Palahniuk? uses that term a lot.

"“I do wish the circumstances were a little less suspect. I did warn your boy about his attitude.” I'd take out one of those to-do verbs. Probably the first one, because I like how "I did warn your boy" sounds. But "i do wish" sounds like an attempt to be fancy.

"the usual suspects?” I recommend that movie.

"he rocked back on his heals" here, you mean "heels" not "heals." "Heals" is a verb. "Heels" in the noun. I do this all the time and then immediately after remember the distinction. I think it should be the other way around so people stop making this mistake.

"computer bag" laptop case?

"She didn’t exactly carry her Italian heritage on her sleeve." As she is a redhead, I believe it. Does she dye her hair, or is that random mutation that sometimes occurs in just about every race?

"arriving back from a late dinner." bad gramma. "Returning from a late dinner."

I like the outfit Tessa changed into.

Aw, a Persian kitty! I like those because they have such ugly faces.

More is revealed about Tessa! I like hwo gradual this all is. Anyhow great work. I enjoyed reading.