you need to seperate it a bit more.. I couldn't finish it, when some one is speaking, press enter so that the story isn't one gigantic block of text that is hard to read

hey..the beginning was pretty good, but you know if you seperate the sentences it would look better and interesting.thnx!

I lost interest not because of the story itself, which I would rate at a firm B to B- but the actual paragraphing and such. revise that because I found it very difficult to get into the story and enjoy it when I was straining my eyes for the next line. Also, theres an also lot of dialogue throughout the entire thing. It also seems to go step by step such as first this happened, then this happened, later this happened. I'd be much more apt to read after a bit of revision. However, you are off to a great start with a good plot and storyline. Keep at it!