i liked this chapter...cant wait for more. :)

I really liked this chapter. cant wait for the next one : )

I really liked this chapter. It was great. Can't wait for more. :)

I really liked this chapter. :)

Erika is mad confusing. Sometimes she refers to herself in the third person, and other times no? And then she has a kid too. How exactly is he supposed to tie into this? AHH! Frustration!! I guess I'll just have to wait to read more.

Update soon! :)

I really like Erika and Erika. lol :)

Hey there! I came across you in a couple of forums and you requested a few times for reviews. I'm doing 'rounds on FP so I figured I'd do you a favour. Normally I'd avoid fics that have a fair amount of reviews just to make it fair to others who don't have as much. But I'm making an exception in your case because you're from Australia. I'm from there too :D

Normally I focus on the grammar/spelling aspect side of a fic because it's my biggest pet peeve but thankfully I didn't pick up on any in your fic. So pat on the back!

Nice job on the 'show don't tell' rule. Most writers have a habit of doing the complete opposite.

To be honest I dislike the word 'ok', I much prefer 'okay'. There's no grammar correction for this particular word but in my personal opinion 'okay' looks much better. More formal. But that's just a personal pet peeve of mine ;)

To be honest I'm not all about storylines/plots. They're not exactly my forte hence why I usually just focus on grammar and spelling. But I actually enjoyed the first chapter that I've read. Not what I would generally read but I'm glad I read it. Well-written and wonderfully descriptive :D Nice job!

CD

I find it super creepy and gross and disturbing that the first threat he could think of was raping her. It says a lot about the way his mind works, and that's not a good thing. And Luna doesn't even seem to care much. *shudder*

The introduction of Erika and Keith was interesting. At least we're getting closer to the plot starting to be revealed. Update soon!

Continueing to make the bro seem like an ass. Except now I'm beginning to suspect that the girl likes it. Odd. Like the shiver, could be good, could be bad. And all the snide remarks... I really have no clue to whether she wants him opr not, or even if what she's portraying is good or not in your mind.

since people claimed that there wasn't enough description, I disagree with. Clearness though is still a little vague, it was hard to follow. Personally, it's not my type of story but I can definitely see why this would be enjoyed! Have a great night!


-Sam

Luna is kind of cool, but I like Nelson and her friend a bit better. They seem more charismatic, and more pleasant to be around, definitely! Ha ha. Nelson sounds like he's fun, so I hope he resurfaces, with a lot more depth to his character. I wouldn't mind seeing him some more.

As to detail, I think the balance is okay. A few things were unclear--like when she saw her eraser as an egg and thought, "Hatch," did it really hatch? I man, is there magic in this story?

Oh, and I just reread the summary. Now I think I understand a bit more about Nelson...at least now I know he'll be coming back!

Hmm...interesting. Aaron has to do with the entire incest thing as well? And the first chapter happened before all this, right? so to bring her back, he's sacrificing something else/forcing Luna into incest?

I think I'm finally getting bits and pieces, but I suggest that you begin moving/clearing the back plot a bit faster. People may lose interest and while you are going for quantity and not quality, that is something you should keep in mind. I for one, am beginning to get kind of frustrated because I have no idea what's going on. I have some idea, but I would like more.

Keep up the good work. Update soon!

You did well with the emotions in this chapter. I felt the confusion and embarassment, as well as a flicker of fear from Luna. The reactions were natural - particularly not wanting to go home.

I was confused by your opening line: We were paid by this woman to do this. Blame it all on her,” {did you really mean this woman -- because this is vague, and I don't know who you refer to. If someone is to blame, then it would make sense to be more specific. -- I didn't get who asked for the attack out of the opening scene. Nor, did I get anger/revenge in reaction (meaning I don't see "blame"). I would actually recommend that you change the dialogue here and remove this first line and start with Luna in the chair since its more dramatic than provocative -- follow it then with a "No, we've been paid to do this".}

I feel a bit uncomfortable about the character flow. One second Aaron seems resentful toward Luna, then the next he's all over her.
Maybe it's because I didn't read the previous chapters... but the whole thing feels scripted. Like... your characters don't feel like natural people.
What is UP with Luna? One second she's crying about a nightmare of her brother raping her, and the next she's throwing a tantrum to get him to sleep in the same bed as her. Also, it's a bit too creepy that the two can joke about incest without any hidden shadows. I mean, loving your sister has to have some deep emotional impact.
Also, it seems that you're trying to reveal too much through Aaron. His dialog and thoughts go ranting on and on.
You are a good writer though, and I did enjoy the story, despite the awkwardness.

Hmm...this story is kind of confusing me at this point. Isn't she supposed to be dead? And were they "together" like a couple before? And why is he having such bad thoughts?

Update soon!