I'm interested to see where the "present" plotline is headed. I don't really have much to say, just that I'm glad to see that this story is still alive.

This story is amazing. I wish I could help by suggesting ways for you to improve, but I'm no good at that, so I'm just going to tell you that I think this story is amazing and you have talent.

YOu keep talking about a newer version?

Good chapter though!

Cool.
How old is Allie spose to be?
How old is marliana as well? And Zeph?
And what timeframe is Zeph and Marli in?

Apart from Casey's grammatical suggestions (see her review), there are no typographical corrections I would like made. So most of my own suggestions have to do with the story itself -- style, content, etc.

I enjoyed this first chapter, but not enough to bring me to buy it if it were a book at B&N. Part of it is that the way you portray Allie is rather similar to many other young adult novels focusing around main characters in that age group. You know, "S/he is unique because s/he is antisocial and reads books and is creative," etc. I'm not knocking that form of YA novel, just this approach; it's a little obvious. Try going more subtle, because I can sense a shipload of authenticity from Allie's character (i.e. it's apparent to me that you're not trying to emulate other novels -- you've actually brought your own voice to this), but it's lost in the delivery.

I particularly loved the scenes Walter describes to Allie, especially the segues between those and the "real world." But Walter's relationship with Allie also felt a little wooden, in terms of their dialog, and how her parents didn't seem to bother with checking him out as a suitable babysitter. After all, not many suburban parents would totally ignore the fact that their child is hanging around a perpetually seventeen-year-old boy... XD

Besides that, the ending to the chapter felt a tad contrived, in terms of its delivery and its content. I didn't know exactly where I was being led to, and not in a good way -- it felt as if you didn't know where you were going, either, which is the most important thing. You have to establish that your plot is purposeful and directed towards some specific end/goal, and if you fail to do that, your reader catches on. Ask yourself: What were you trying to accomplish in this chapter? What were you trying to establish in your readers' minds? What effect did you want the chapter, and the conclusion to it especially, to have on the audience?

That's about it. (And I'm moving on to the second chapter, so...FEAR ME! XD)

-grinning- awesomeawesomeawesome. Some problems with italics and a few places where the formatting didn't take, but... -grinning- Yes, yes she DOES remember Alexandria. And Macedonian distractions.

:D CD

I only skimmed through chapter one.
The formatting is messy, but the literature is great.
Well done.

-TCF

Okay, I remember the beginning but I LOVE the END! -laughing-

Only a few typos: "She smiled brilliantly, and tried to move like she wasn’t", "since she was 42-9ttle girl", and it's spelled Crichton, actually.

:) CD