I think you should keep writing this i really liked and would love to read more.

I loved your story and hope you will keep writing it. I think it could be something someday and that out of the blue storys are the best kind. So do keep writing it.

Quote: it was unrecognizable, almost like a stranger but was a mean sneer that called him.

The syntax is awkward and so is the expression.

Quote: Simon looked around at the statement.

EVEN more awkward.

Quote: the young boy deemed Simon called out.

ISN'T he Simon?

Quote: could register the gesture

You're missing a word somewhere in the sentence and what gesture?

Quote: As his own pale hand touched the demented face of the disgusting corpse did its jaw open, almost on its own will.

Why did you invert the natural order of the sentence? Isn't it enough to say that the jaw OPENED?

Quote: The boy gaped fear clutching at his very being like a snake

Missing a comma.

Quote: “Simon, you are nothing…” the voice spoke in a demonic voice

Is this the voice of the man or is this the voice of the corpse that is perhaps his mother?

Quote: Then nothing but darkness consumed him.

But you mentioned previously that he was in darkness and solitude.

Quote: but finding a lone human out in the dark of night was scarce these days.

Again you're having a bit of problem expressing yourself. It's the humans that are scarce and not the act of finding one, isn't it?

Quote: whipped the sweat

I think you mean WIPED.

Quote: Turning a corner he bumped into a small girl, blinking he helped her up.

You have a tendency to do this a lot, stringing two sentences into one with just a comma. No don't do that.

Quote: Opening his mouth to speak he looked down at her, but she was gone.

Too unrealistic for me.


As an opening chapter, I find this grossly inadequate. You need to give your readers the incentive to read on to the next chapter, if you're going to continue with this. You also need to establish a noteworthy complication that will fuel your story. All in all it was...while not exactly terrible, mediocre. You may want to improve on this a bit.