|Reviews for Winter Garden|
| Amused Bookworm 6/5/10 . chapter 19
I AM SO EXCITED! and I am alive. :) I liked this one and can not wait to see where it goes from here. :)
| lookingwest 6/2/10 . chapter 3
Short sight, low blood pressure, and what could only be weak vampiric potential.
-I feel the need to point this out. This sentence has perked me right up. Me lovey vampires. And though I was getting some odd vibes from the situation your character lives in and everything, I definitely had no idea there would exactly be vampires involved per say, so when this sentence came around I *really* wanted to continue reading. I think it sounds like you've got a really cool idea for these characters, and I'm hoping their situation and culture/society will clear up the reason for their really odd names.
But all things considered, a church going, cross bearing vampire seemed a travesty. Well, an almost vampire.
-*Very* interesting. I'm getting a sort of Cullen family vibe from this, so hopefully it goes in the opposite direction, but at the same time I also got a little tinge of the book series "Marked" with mention of private schools and uniforms, ect. I doubt the school is full of vampires, but I'm still very interested to see where your MC Naire is headed.
...more painfully and not easing at all.
-Edit: would omit "at all"
Hmm, well Naire really seems to battle with self control over some of his vampiric aspects. It's interesting that you reveal that right away about his character, I'm still deciding if I like it or not, but it's always fun to be indulgent and play on those favorite characters!
I think overall your writing and grammar really improved with this chapter and I liked to see the improvement. You made correct comma placements and the style because easier for me to read and smoother. You also had some wonderful little descriptive paragraphs, one that I appreciated being a paragraph dedicated to the setting of the private school, and some of its Catholic background, in which you were also able to tie that into your character development. I definitely found this chapter very enthralling and much more informative than even the first, so keep it up!
| lookingwest 6/2/10 . chapter 2
The first snow in fact.
-Edit: would omit "in fact"
I wasn't sure why your narrative suddenly goes into italics after the first paragraph. I understand it's a dream sequence, but wouldn't your first paragraph need to be italicized as well?
But the weather was perfect to the inhabitants of the dark woods itself.
-Edit: omit "itself"
...his job and, even as the rest of the village sat safely...
-Edit: omit the comma after "and"
Overall, while I found your dream sequence quite interesting, the part after Raigan wakes up is kind of boring. I'm not a fan of such vivid dream sequences either, finding them some times unrealistic to how I would normally think people dream. For instance, my dreams have never ever been that vivid, and I've never been able to remember them so vividly either-then again, it seems like Raigan doesn't remember his dream because he never mentions it after waking. Is that what you intended, or did you want him to remember the dream? If you want him to remember it, I'd try inserting at least one line like "well that was a strange dream" or something of the sort. But if he isn't supposed to remember his dream, then I find that aspect of non-remembrance a little more realistic than the dream sequence itself. Ah, I'm a pretty big critic of dream sequences though, so my opinion is just one of many, and I'm sure other readers might not pick it apart so much. After reading this chapter I just felt like asking myself "okay, what was the point of that?" maybe because it just lacked a climax. Of course I'm sure this chapter will tie in later to your wider plot, at the moment I just didn't quite pick up on its place.
Otherwise, you handled the description of the winter time really well and I liked to hear the details about the setting. They were vivid and I could feel the whole village sort of gathering together for that last festival celebration. You also did a good job describing someone's morning routines.
| lookingwest 5/29/10 . chapter 1
It was as if his hair had trapped the light of the sun...
-Edit: would omit "had"
...like his arms that were wrapped around him and, as if he knew I was there, he turned abruptly towards me, lifting his head as if at a scent.
-Edit: to get some of some awkward pauses here, I'd suggest re-wording:
"...like arms wrapped around him. He turned abruptly towards me as if he knew I was watching, lifting his head as if searching for a scent."
Lifting his lowered head...
-You just said in the last sentence his head was "lifting...as if at a scent." So that doesn't make sense. Maybe you mean "Keeping his head lifted and looking..."
Or was it that I truly finally believed that I'd come to the end of my search, that long hunt?
-Edit: omit the second "that" after "believed" and turn the third "that" after "search" into "the".
As he reached for me, arms outstretched I could do nothing but answer that pained cry, that needy cry, and standing from my own crouch I accepted him into my arms.
-Edit: comma after "outstretched"
-Edit: change "that" after "cry" to "a"
It was as if the clouds are racing across the sky...
-Edit: you've got two different tenses going on here, past and present. The past tense is the use of the word "was" and the present tense is the use of the word "are". You need to pick one :) So I'm thinking you want past tense, since that's the easiest to use for most writers, and comes most naturally. In that case, you need to change your "are" to "were".
"See, Payton! Here he his."
One of the two longhaired...
-Edit: the "One of the two..." is considered a speaker tag, so you need to bump it up to be after the dialogue.
-Edit: the word "longhaired" is two separate words, and not one. So it would be "long haired".
-That's the feminine spelling of "blonde", the masculine being "blond". And I think these twins are male right?
One of the two longhaired, blonde twins, that was...
-Edit: "was" should be "were" because there are two subjects here.
As soon as they stopped though - dropping down next to Naire...
-Edit: omit "though"
So overall I think you've got a few good things going for you here. Your character for Naire is pretty strong, I feel like I got to know him most out of everyone else, but I didn't get a good sense of the rest of the cast other than there were twins. It was a little confusing to pick out how many brothers there were and the relations between all of the characters you introduce. I do like the hints of medieval going on with terms like "goblet", and since you intro-ed with Naire in a forest I didn't think this was a modern day story until I saw the word 'e-mail'. The name "Naire"-and I'm sorry but I have to get it out there for your consideration, instantly reminded me of the hair-removal product for shaving legs :S I'm probably the only reader who was reminded of that, XD, I should probably not watch so much TV. But anyway, I liked that you had a good sense of his character, and I liked the mysteriousness of your setting. Also, your prologue, while needing to be edited and cleaned up a bit, was very interesting. I think there were some good images there and they also made me want to continue reading!
| StlawberryJ 5/21/10 . chapter 19
Wow! Some of your earlier mystery was finally detailed! The Exerters seem to be horrors in the making. i like Casseus though...
thanks for this chapter. it was much too short! your word flow is amazing. such detail is amazing. thank you!
I cannot wait for the next chapter!
| D.MansonD 5/16/10 . chapter 2
I like this chapter, it has a lot of mystery to it. The section in italics leads towards the gothic elements of the Romantic period, which isn't always awesome but never fails to intrigue. I am a little confused though just fill me in, I may have read a bit to quick or I'm just slow, but is Raigan the little boy or will the story of the little boy and the white wolf surface later? You don't really have to answer that question if you don't want to, I'll just find out when I read the chapters that follow. anyhoo till next time:)
| D.MansonD 5/14/10 . chapter 1
Hey Ann! I read the first chapter.. of course you know that by now. I can't say much yet because this is sort of just an introduction to the story that lies within the chapters to follow but so far I like it and when I log back in for the next chapter..which I will I'll leave another comment! Remember what Rainer Maria Rilke said,"in the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, and ask yourself, must I write?" And of course your answer must be yes, because if anything this is the one thing that sets you at ease, that allows you to express your inner most thoughts and desires and allows you to express all the creative thoughts embedded in your mind. x your cuz D, in case you didn't know :)
| Dante's Disciple 5/9/10 . chapter 11
It's so sweet that Luci likes Cody, I like the two of them together, Cody is nice in a cheeky sort of way.
I enjoy reading these characters how they go from struggling young teen vamps to sinister and powerful in an instant, great writing.
Wasn't as into the two young twins at first tbh but now I'm starting to like them as much as Naire and Raigan :)
| Amused Bookworm 5/2/10 . chapter 18
I was very excited to find this in my in box... I have finals this week so I can actually get around to reading it. :) I am so excited!
| StlawberryJ 4/30/10 . chapter 18
It seems as though Naire has stronger abilities than his brother, Olliver. Interesting revelation. Does it make him a different DelVive then? And Olliver is against biting humans while he knows what his brother has done? Intriguing. And why does Raigan not get food? Naire did realise that he is weakened but no food arrived for the poor unsapped Raigan...
| StlawberryJ 4/30/10 . chapter 17
Brilliant! Thanks for more information. i was just wondering if what happened between Naire and Cody would upset the twins - perhaps just a thought there would help or a question addressed to Payton about the consequences of his need for Raigan at such an awkward time to clear the worry of what it means in their household if Cody is 'abused'? And why cant he speak to Payton, asking about his weirdness so that the reader can get a bit of information that way. I can see where you're going with Nathaniel and his jealousy and stalking ways... He is definitely not a favourite character...
| StlawberryJ 4/30/10 . chapter 16
This was a full-of-information chapter. I well enjoyed it. Can't wait for the continuance...
| StlawberryJ 4/29/10 . chapter 15
Yum yum. thank you for the chapter and the sundae! No, you did well here. some of the questions i had was answered here. I thought for a moment that Raigan is Nathaniel's brother but of course there was no indication ever that Raigan was from this town. where is the boy of the first chapter? was that Raigan? i love it when things come together. and it is quite amusing that Olliver doesnt look at Gregory at all... and i wonder where could that be going? No, you're doing well to keep the characters alive by touching little bits everytime.
| StlawberryJ 4/29/10 . chapter 14
Hi there, for a moment you had me thinking that Raigan was a werewolf! Delicious! I liked this chapter. it seems so unfair towards Raigan at this stage to be caught in Naire's survival stint, but the mystery continues. This makes one want more, thank you!
| StlawberryJ 4/29/10 . chapter 13
Hi there! Why would Gregory's neck be so interesting for Olliver? I thought he was more mature than that? I like the Layla part, as it creates another angle on what happened between Naire/Raigan/Casseus but why would Mayhem not want Layla to use their phone? She didnt make a call after all, did she? Could the Exeters be trapped in another century because they are not daywalkers? Cell phones are most probably not Layla's thing? But I guess Mayhem has no idea that Layla is meant for him then and they are sharing some sort of chemistry even without being aware of it but she is, isnt she? Oh so many questions. If you dont filter these matters in somewhere else please review this chapter and try and add them..?