Barbie my favorite character! this story is fascinating I cannot stop reading this.It really makes me think of what life would be if hitler was alive now. Truman better watch out now haha

-N.T.T.O.G-

this is really great, I have always been a fan of history specially with Hitler.The way you began it makes the reader never wish to stop reading it!

Most of the problems I can see with this story are historical inaccuracies. They and other corrections are listed below. I found that they took me out of the story and anyone who is well versed in that period of history would have been as well.

For Chapter 1:

It is April 30, 1945. The war in Europe is at its peak. - By then, the war was pretty much over, and though the fighting continued, everyone knew it.

Allies and Axes - Should be “Axis powers”, not axes.

The man rushes into his bathroom and pulls out a small disposable shaver. - Don’t think they had shavers in wartime Germany – razor would be better.

“We remain off of the radar.” - Hitler wouldn’t have used this expression – radar was first used in 1941 and the Germans wouldn’t have called it that.

For Chapter 2:

It is early morning in the Auschwitz death camp. - Auschwitz was liberated on 27th January 1945, more than 3 months before the start of your story.

“It’s in the papers. The Soviets burned his corpse.” - I don’t think the papers would have been delivered to a death camp.

“You are Heinrich Himmler of the Reichsführer-SS, no?” - This is a rank, not an organization.

For Chapter 3:

a K-9 shadow - Should be canine.

faithful anti-Semitist - Should be anti-Semite.

Göth can hear rustling of papers in the background. “Here it is.” - It is unlikely that Hitler would have got into the official records of post-war Amsterdam so quickly.

“Maybe even Truman and Atlee if we’re lucky.” - Should be Attlee.

For Chapter 7:

“Winston Churchill… Sir Winston Churchill.” - Churchill was not knighted until 1953.

For Chapter 8:

American president Harry S. - There is no full stop after the S – it didn’t stand for anything.

For Chapter 10:

Hitler turns his head, but not his waist as to keep Stalin under the watchful eye of the Walther pistol. - This would not be bright – if Hitler isn’t watching Stalin, who cares where the gun’s pointing?

He was an Ally soldier - Allied

“Isn’t that the pisser?” Vladimir nods his head to Sophia’s question. - If Vladimir didn’t see him, how can he know? This seems very unlikely. Perhaps he could catch sight of him in a mirror?

pulls out an AK-47. - AK-47s weren’t issued until 1947. Hence the name.

For Chapter 11:

Moldova, Ukraine - Neither Moldova nor Ukraine was an independent country in 1945: both were part of the USSR.

a small family run pet shop - I don’t know, but I would be very surprised to find a pet shop in post-war Russia. Most animals would have eaten meat not fit for human consumption – the pet food trade did not exist at this time.

K-9 inside - Canine.

I’m off base - A German would never say that.

For Chapter 12:

And two, you’re a wanted man, dumbass. – Dumbass is not a word a German would use.

“Hello, what will we be having tonight?” - It is unlikely there will be any food in the restaurants in Moscow – the USSR has been defeated, and could barely feed her people. Unless Natasha is a Party member.

For Chapter 13:

“My Natasha.” - This is too obvious – from the moment he met Natasha we could see this coming.

For Chapter 14:

“Well, we apprehend many intruders. Would you mind coming with me to the holding cells to identify him?” - This is very unlikely! Just letting strangers into the Kremlin? What about demands for papers, etc?

He dozes off, but stays awake. - That’s a contradiction of terms.

He places the pills on the board and slices them up, releasing the powder inside. - I don’t think medicine as available in this form till the 1970s or 1980s. He would have ground the pills with a pestle and mortar.

I’m such a dumbass sometimes. - See above – a Soviet wouldn’t say it either.

“True. Thank you for the help,” - This is completely unbelievable now.

For Chapter 15:

The Führer can see a sleeping figure in the bed. - All this gunfire and he’s still asleep?

Had he had better aim - He’s a sniper – he’s supposed to have perfect aim.

English speaking Moscow citizens’ attention - Why are Germans speaking English to Russians?

For Chapter 17:

except that of the dethroned Soviet leader - Stalin would be dead by now, from shock and blood loss.

For Chapter 18:

had been shot in the arm - Arm or shoulder?

However rash Stalin’s views were, he was a good man and extremely dedicated to his nation. - Even in 1945 Truman knew this was rubbish.

This started as a promising idea but went rapidly downhill. There is no characterization, with the exception of Goth, and Hitler is a mere cipher. There is no indication of why, when they could lose themselves and create new, successful lives in the confusion of postwar Europe, these men would follow Hitler any longer. The number of coincidences increases as the story goes on – careless or lazy writing, or poor plotting. There are also several historical errors as I’ve indicated above.

For the characterization problem you should take each character and write down ten things about them. Then, in each scene, look at your list and make sure they say what the people on your list would say. Make each man different – at the moment, they’re all the same. Make the coincidences plausible, slow down some of the action, and make us care about every character and what happens to them. Get inside their heads and take us there too. Also think about what we know from history: would Churchill have begged as he did here? Would Truman have folded so easily?

In a very elaborate private hospital suite lays the injured President of the United States.--while I don't know the reason behind it, my computer tells me that "lays" should be "lies". I don't know if you want to change it, because my computer is also stupid when it comes to the grammar of a living language, but I'm fairly sure it's right there.

Hello people of America. Hello people of other countries--I think this would sound much, much better if he just said "Hello people of the world". It makes it seem like those other countries are just insignificant little things.

Luckily, Stalin was missed and I was struck in the shoulder.--Inserting an "only" in between "was" and "stuck" sounds more sensible and less like he was happy as a clam to be shot.

One of the leader’s residences, the Moscow Kremlin was infiltrated Sunday night--I don't find that Moscow in there necessary; there's only one Kremlin.

He controls most of East Europe and vast portions of Asia. --Eastern

Germans’--earlier, you write Goebbels's, and I'd like you to stick with one style or the other.

Ha, a good man. Maybe back when he was a poet/priest, but I find it hard to look with affection on one who killed fifteen million of his own countryman. Our country can be astounding, can't it?

Whoaa, truce with Japan. That's an interesting potential development.

You should have Truman call him "Uncle Joe" at some point, just to bring the point home. I say that as a reader, not an editor, but all the same...

almighty powerful--one or the other, unless you turn almighty into an adverb, which I don't believe is possible.

How did Hitler do that? Is that possible, where he is? The video, I mean.

The two men contemplate over the Nazis for hours.--no need for "over".

Ah, I see down at the bottom you capitalised Democrat, so please capitalise it up top, too. I missed that.

Interesting progress being made, here. Hope to hear from you again soon,
-Kate

Awesome chapter!! I can't believe that Hitler actually solved the problem for them but it held a very interesting touch which I enjoyed reading. Yet again I am going to say that I can't wait for the update and that I hope it won't be long as your story is very fast paced and increasingly interesting. :D

I do agree with an earlier reviewer that it is a bit strange for Himmler to be wandering around, but I just went with it in order to see where the story chose to take me.

For some reason, I really loved this line: “Well yes, but there is but one Führer and he is dead.”

I plan on continuing to review as you win my freebies, which, ultimately, you always do...

This is wonderful and I really want to read more. You are doing a wonderful job with this story! :D

OMG Awesome!! I liked this as it is really a wonderful piece of Historical Fiction because of the what if part. I also think that this is a very orginal idea because I never pictured what would happen if Hitler never killed himself. I think that I'm going to read more of this as it proves to be a really interesting read!

“Show me what you got, Spaniard.”--even informally, this just sounds weird. "What you've got" sounds ten times better.

Beads of Stalin’s sweat drips down into the square.--drip, singular.

Ew, okay, that reminds me of the scene in Shaun of the Dead (which is the only horror movie I've ever willingly seen) where that guy is thrown out of the Winchester and the zombies pull his guts out...

“Is Stalin dead?” A troop asks blankly--lower-case A. A troop? Troop is a quantity, so unless they're in unison, you should just say a soldier.

The same troop asks.--little T.

Why did the Myatezhniki (what does that mean, anyway?) let the KGB kill the Spaniard? And he was sent by Franco, right?

I keep forgetting Hitler's blond. I bet that looks so ridiculous.

He must pack his things for he is moving into somewhere much more majestic. He--he what? Random pronoun, there...

Interesting. I'd love to see how those crazy Krauts get out of this. Or into something else.

That alliteration towards the end is very poetic. From my unfortunately limited knowledge of Goebbels' speeches, that sounds like him. (As yet, I haven't found any grammar/spelling mistakes.)

I really don't think the Russians would be that happy to do away with the government. Especially at that point in Stalin's rule, they still loved him. He had that deism thing going for him, which the majority of the people (i.e., the ones not put into gulags or taken in the middle of night from their homes) followed fiercely. Even today, they do.

Hitler regains his hold on the situation, “Stop. Hands at your side.”--no comma there.

“They roasted their own soldiers. You fool.”--I think this would sound better if you made them one sentence, with a comma after soldiers, instead.

Hitler notices that he needs to reload, but he knows if he does just that, Stalin will have time to concentrate and blow those fascist brains all over the wall. --Since this sentence is technically in Hitler's point of view, I'd suggest "blow his fascist brains" instead.

Stalin fires a few times, but it unsuccessful--"is", not "it".

Yes! Revenge for lost love! Yeah, I think Klaus is my favourite character. You've definitely made it easier for the reader to be sympathetic to him out of all the other Nazis. Not that that's a bad thing.

Swiftly and unexpectedly, Stalin’s foot kicks up into Klaus’s groin.--I see what you're trying to say hear, and why you included "foot", but you really don't need to.

I guess after the craze of gunfire is over, Klaus would act more sensible about his revenge, but the transition from being really pissed at Hitler to working with him was a little sudden. Maybe include something along the lines of "Now with the bloodlust passed, Klaus remembered his allegiance to the Fuhrer", but written better, obviously.

Firstly, this story is really clever. I like the thinking behind the story. IT's really interesting the way you weave around the characters and you didn't say it was Hitler at the very start but you gave hints like "Führer"

I know I must sound like an idiot but I didn't really like the swearing in the story. I think it's just not necessary to have that kind of swearing in a story "bitch" "bastard" and such I don't mind. But "fucker" I don't really like. I like the story in general it is-and I'm not kidding or anything-one of the cleverest ideas (I think that's a word) I have ever read. I understand that you wanted to show how much the soldiers hated Hitler.

I like the story a lot, keep going.

First off, I'm really sorry I haven't gotten around to this--I've had rehearsals/shows from 6-11 every night.

A man in an olive drab military uniform leans against an outer wall of the Kremlin.--switching olive and drab sounds better, in my opinion.

Keep the volume down, but we need to stay in contact. As he memorizes the plan, the cue rounds a corner: the big black dog--I think you're missing some quotations here. And in the next sentence, I believe, saying that he whistled would sound so much better.

He dozes off, but stays awake.--this just doesn't make sense. One or the other.

That is so depressing. I can't believe you killed Natasha.
Actually, I guess I can, but it's still so sad.

A faint scent of almond fills Himmler’s nasal passages.--In places like this, I feel like you're over-writing, which isn't necessary. Maybe it's just a preferred style, but just saying "nose" sounds so much better.

Little do they know, their roof is being utilized to pull off the greatest assassination attempt in history should it succeed.--if it succeeds, it's not an attempt, so you could just leave that "attempt" out.

In one of the Kremlin’s first aid rooms, sit Joseph Goebbels and the Führer himself.--no comma necessary.

Unknowing of what brought him down, the guard hits his head on the hard floor--this sounds like the first clause causes the second, which it doesn't. I would suggest something like "He doesn't know what brings him down, and hits his head on the floor."

I really don't think you could mistake cyanide for aspirin.

Klaus is rabid? I'd advise on a different adjective there.

Interesting chapter, and I hope to get around to the next, soon. I have a couple of essays to edit first, though.

holy crap, there going to assasinate stalin. AWESOME!

that...that...of my god. this is god! really, really good. i can't believe he changed his mind AFTER eva already killed herself.