I’d give this a 72-73/100. You’re attempting something political, but you haven’t quite made the politics convincing or any of the political characters convincing. You also have descriptions that are otherwise irrelevant to the plot, and you have a lot of those. Your characters don’t stand out, and seem, at the moment, somewhat clichéd. Your plot also, what is present on it, looks like a very typical plot. It’s not a horrible chapter, but it falls flat.

Numbers 1 through 12 below are just problems with grammar. Numbers 13 through 14 are problems with content.

have a nice day! ;]
~ the fattest cats

1—You’re missing a word in the second sentence of your first paragraph. (“No one knows exactly when the dance of power between the Antona, Iburia, and Viralum families.”) It should probably be a verb, or it could be an entire phrase. It just needs something to answer this question: what happened? You have “when.”

2—You have a typo. (“Finally, then agreed on Genovona for their land’s new name.”) ‘then’ isn’t a noun.

3—Misuse of the words ‘in to.’ (“And when it came time for Prince Jonas of the Antona family and his bride, Aelita, to take the throne, Jonas knew what he was getting himself in to.”) When those two words are used to indicate movement of something or somebody into the midst of something else (in this case: conflict), whether physical or not, ‘in to’ should be combined.

4—“What character X said,” character X verb direct object, etc. That’s the format for quotes that do not use a) question marks, or b) exclamation marks. The comma shows the direct relationship between the verb and the quote that exists. Otherwise, you’d have: Character X verb direct object. (“‘I don’t want to do this.’ Jonas told his wife as he entered her chambers.”) It’s the same with thoughts, if the verb that follows is directly related to the though. (“Much too delicate for my world. Jonas thought.”) You have ten mistakes like this throughout the story.

5—Never, ever, ever use two punctuation marks together to end a sentence. Either choose an exclamation mark, because the emotion is stronger than the question. Or choose the question mark, because the question is stronger than the emotion. And if you want to emphasize both, then use one punctuation mark but emphasize the other outside of the quotation. (“‘Then why, Jonas, why are we doing this?!’ Aelita demanded, suddenly pulling away.”) You already have “demanded,” emphasizing the question, so you could just use an exclamation mark to emphasize the emotion.

6—Misuse of the word ‘then.’ It’s a transition word, not a comparison word or a word to denote degree of severity, etc. (“She was no more then five, and she was all dolled up for the celebrations.”)

7—“What character X said, who character X is talking to,” character X verb, etc. Who a character is talking to, if their name is mentioned, is called an address. “What character X said, address,” character X verb. You always separate addresses from the rest of the quote with a comma. (“‘Hello Yasin.” Jonas said, smiling again.”) You have two mistakes like this in the chapter.

8—Misuse of ‘your.’ It’s possessive, not “you are.” (“‘You need to stop growing my boy…your looking more and more like your father everyday.”) Also, misuses of another possessive. ‘its’ is not ‘it is.’ (“‘Its time.’”) You have four mistakes like this throughout the chapter.

9—Unclear use of the word ‘cease.’ ‘Cease’ just means stop. (“Her eyes stared without cease.”) She’s staring without stop? Or is she staring without stopping, or without blinking?

10—Run-on sentence. (“Jonas pitied her, she’d probably had quite a few slip-ups in her days as a servant.”)

11—Typo. (“His sword as drawn.”)

12—While it’s a good rule of thumb to put a comma where there would be a pause in the sentence if someone said it out loud, it’s not a law. (“But, she smiled and set her hand over his.”) That comma shouldn’t be there.

OTHER

13—There paragraphs where you have several lines dedicated to how a character looked or to the history of a character (Geno) made it feel like I was reading through a shopping list of characteristics or a character profile sheet. Appearance: blah, blah, blah, blah. It distracts from the words and actions and feelings of the characters; descriptions like that are cold. Further, you have giant paragraphs of descriptions, then simple lines. It makes the chapter ‘lumpy.’

Also, if descriptions like that aren’t immediately important to the plot or soon-to-be-important to the plot, it’s a good rule of thumb not to include them in the story until they become important. Or to scatter out the descriptions.

For example: ‘I know,’ she said, and looked over at him, her eyes bright in the morning light and bluer than the sky outside. Or: He blinked purple eyes, slowly, as though too shocked to do much else. Or: Her eyes stared blindly at them. Or: She gestured to the hall outside, the brown membrane that was attached from her arm to her side stretching with the movement.

14—Maybe it’s because I have too much respect for politicians, or maybe it’s because I’m too ignorant. But I find it unbelievable that, at the crowning ceremony of a king everyone knows will be in danger as soon as that crown touches his head, the ceremony would allow anyone except incredibly important figures into the ceremony area. I’d think that the common people would be outside watching. And I’d think that because these incredibly important figures, who’ve had years enough to do the same old song and dance, would be wise enough to just sit back or to leave or to send in their guards. Instead, they jump in like children or uneducated plebeians once someone of their own gets attacked? It’s a touch too crazy for me to believe.

Wow that was really interesting. Please update soon.