Yes, well, even so it's cute!

Hmm...this is really interesting. What exactly is Roth protecting her from? Please update soon.

hey! i love this story. Books are my escape from reality to. Corin is awesome!!

Spelling Corrections:
Chapter 1:
corkboard (rather than coarkboard)
noticed ("c" not "s" and this is throughout all chapters)
anti-social (needs a hyphen)

Chapter 2:
just (rather than jjust)
paid (rather than payed)
marveled (rather than marvled)
decision

Other Corrections and Suggestions:

You use too many sentence fragments and incomplete, choppy sentences. The following are two examples from chapter one.

1. "And he had every girl in school swooning over him. And Art. And me"
Suggested Revision: "He has every girl in school swooning over him, not to mention Art and me."

2. "But I wouldn't admit that. Not to anyone."
Suggested Revision: "Although I'll never admit that small detail to anyone."

Additionally it is best if you do not add parenthetical notations in the middle of the chapter. Save them for the author's note at the end. Also it would make your work more manageble if you split the different point of veiw changes with a full line and the name of the character in bold. A Line after the end of the chapter content and before the author's note would also be helpful. Thoughts should be italisized and actions should be less materialistally focused and more character motivated. Many of your descriptions, while detailed well, focus too much on the phsyical appearance. The sections in which Roth is extolling Corin's virtues or noting her appearance are over kill and make him seem very one demensional.

Separate him slightly and build his character. Make him more than just a guy with a crush. You could give more background on his motivation.

It would be a good idea to explore the motivation of all your characters, make them more real. Create distinguishable conflict and well thought out resolutions. Each character's family background and thought process will help to determine how they react in any situation.

When introducing characters, build to their appearance. Start with their anmes and then their association to the lead characters. To describe their physical appearance you can use verbal reactions or compliments and then describe them in a more subtle manner.

I hope these suggestions help you with this story.


~NDF~

I like this a lot.
Update soon! (:

Yay. About time you continued this story

i believe in them too, people think i am crazy but everything in me wants to believe their alive and actually like the twilight books, but i just have no proof, so until then i am the crazy, cute chick...

k So I reviewed a while ago and it just occured to me that they don't show other links so the grammar link that I posted in my last review is "rhyme. poetry. com"

hopefully that Shows up in this review. Sorry.


-Stace :]

I think this is actually a really kewl story. I like the plot so far. Hopefully you update soon.

Also to help with the grammar doubts, you could consider going to rhyme. and there they give you the correct spelling of a word and the meaning and other things like synonyms and related words. When I used to write, rhyme. was my heaven! It helps a lot when you're not sure how to use or spell certain words. :]

Keep up the cool story!

-Stace

Not to be mean...But there is a spell check in the world.
Lol

This does seem interesting...though this author note has confused me.

That aside on what you've posted now as actual story -- Very interesting and good high school scenes

more plz

This story is interesting. I like where it's going.
UPDATE PLEASE!
Aubrey Le Blank

"Corkboard".

Secret Codes? Well, I'd recommend Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start. That way you'll have 30 lives!

You might want to slow down your dialogue a little. It was hard to follow with all of the quick banter.

Lastly...if a guy tried to talk to you and you shut him down, it's probably got less to do with the "badass" attitude, he's just got his pride wounded, no need to get it wounded again.

Now, if he's been ignoring you from the get-go, you should probably force the issue and get involved in the conversation. No need for "being a badass", just talk for a bit. After about a minute or so, give him a backhanded compliment that makes him seem girly. "Hey, great manicure! What salon did you get it at?" (you can use this whether or not his hands look even remotely manicured) "Nice shirt! I can't believe you shop at (name of girly store) too!"

This should ostracize him enough to be tame for the next few minutes. Keep conversing with his friends though. After a while, turn to him and say "You've been quiet." (turn to the other friends) "I'm going to borrow him for a little while. I hope you guys don't mind."

Then grab him by the hand and drag him away. He'll go, and his friends won't stop you.

By now, your situation should be more manageable,
8.Black

This is a really good story, cant wait for the next chapter!