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Intriguing, I'm interested to see where you take this.

One piece of advice: "breathing got increasingly heavier" I'd change "got" to "became", just sounds better.

I really liked this prologue. It drew me in and her pain had vivid descriptions that anyone can picture for themselves. Like the pain of bright light and a dry throat, but intensified.

Plus it was very ambiguous. Waking up in an unfamiliar place? This story could go anywhere from here. I'm very interested in seeing where you'll take this. Great job!

-MissMarc

Pay it forward!

Even though it's quite a short chapter it's powerful since you express her pain very well. I'm already quite interested in what will happen next. Good job.

Oh, nice prologue! You've certainly captured my interest with this. I really like your descriptions, and your writing seems to flow together really well. This has got a lot of potential. I only found one thing to critique on. When you said: ...the mysterious surface but a sear of pain ran up my arm... 'sear of pain' sounds awkward. I think you meant to say 'searing pain' or something along those lines. It's nothing too big, though. Other than that, I'm really impressed. This isn't usually the genre that I'm into, but I'm curious as to where this is going, so I'm gonna alert it :). I hope you update soon!

Wow! Talk about a good hook. You definitely grab your reader's attention with this prologue. It's very well-written and save for a few small grammar/spelling type things, it's virtually spotless. Well-done!

Nice, interesting set-up you have here! This is a well-written prologue. Great descriptions. It's vague enough to leave the reader wanting more. Good job!

- Sarah, from the Roadhouse

Here from the Roadhouse.

Okay, one typo or mistake that I can see - first paragraph it says "a sear of pain". That's a very unusual construction - I'm not even sure if sear can be a noun. Normally, it is a "searing pain". I think you could use the form you use, but it would be better if it was later on - then the reader will have got used to neologisms and coining of words. In the first paragraph, it jars.

Okay, I got the one thing I didn't like out of the way immediately! The rest of this piece is really good (actually, it's ALL really good - there are just misgivings about that phrase in my mind).

The central theme of this prologe is "pain" and you convey that really, really well. Everything hurts - and you show that really well by showing how even the simplest things are painful for the narrator. Stuff like speaking and breathing and crying - those shouldn't hurt, and yet they do.

But the narrator doesn't sound like he is injured - there are no wounds described. This is just pain - pain from everywhere. This is very puzzling, and draws us in. The lack of memory is a typical device, but is not dwelt on and so works very well.

I am impressed by the way that you don't just say "it hurts" a lot - you use a lot of great techniques to show that it hurts. That is very cool indeed.

Good stuff here, and I look forward to more.

Pay it forward!