 Demena 2009-02-16 . chapter 1hmm i thought it was good...2 things were bugging me the whole time though
1. Ari's friend's talking...like i can deal with all the acronyms and **, thats not hard to deal with...its just it seems like wherever she goes shes "yelling" or "screaming" at someone...thats a little over the top imo...just tone that down and you're set there :)
2. Ari seems to act a LOT like a girl...and people seem to treat him like a girl. idk if you wanted him to act like this, but i just thought you should know that i noticed it...at one point a group of GUYS came up to him and said "we love you" or something along the lines of that...i think you have a big decision regarding this...if Ari ends up being bi/gay then its fine...but at the end it says he wanted to "meet a nice girl and have a thousand fat babies...blah blah blah" but you also said that he thought thats what his life was SUPPOSED to be like...
so i think you need to make the choice of having Ari either switch over to a girl, its not hard to rewrite the first chapter, replace he's with she's and all that stuff...i think it would make the story EASIER to write...if you are looking for a challenge though (and i would LOVE to see you take this choice, its tougher and more a test of your writing skills) make him bi/gay...already seems to be going there though so...yeah
ok i normally dont write reviews that long but i really need to tell you those...ill be watching this story with great interest to see where this goes...cant wait for more!! :) |
 JtheChosen1 2009-02-16 . chapter 1wow...i really don't know what to say to this...other than it is completely random, yet somehow nostalgic of my own middle school years (except for the 98% average, i was more in the 80's haha).
very good work, and i like it!
only grammar blip i caught was:
Take it like a woman and give me you’re goddamn ** pudding
you're should be YOUR |