|Reviews for The Mercenary Academy|
| Dreamers-Requiem 4/13/13 . chapter 7
Although you have advanced technology used, some it still doesn't feel quite futuristic, especially when compared with the other things you mention. I think this chapter is largely not needed. None of it really feels like it advances the story, and it's very bogged down in description which makes it a bit...lengthy. It's hard to follow every detail you describe, as it's all bundled together. I felt the last few paragraphs were very telling, rather than showing, and again, it's a bit bogged down in the description. It's also hard to see how Kaidan knows all that he knows, and the telling adds confusion to that. I'd suggest reworking this to either show his budding relationship with the pair, or just get rid of the chapter altogether.
| Dreamers-Requiem 11/3/12 . chapter 6
There's an interesting idea here, but it does need some major editing. A lot of the grammar is off, and it can make the actual flow a bit stilting. Be careful of too much telling, too, rather than showing. When describing something, watch out for too much listing, or repetitve words/phrases such as 'it was'. In a lot of cases, you could cut out words in sentences; when editing, re-read sentences and see if it would make sense without certian words. So for example, (Not seeing another reason to stay here, he stood up and walked to where Mysty was standing) could just read (Not seeing another reason to stay, he stood, walking to Mysty.) Good luck
| Dreamers-Requiem 6/14/12 . chapter 5
Some of this is really awkward to read - should always have a new paragraph if someone else is speaking (last paragraph is too long) and be careful about starting the sentences the same (which I've mentioned before.) I also find it very odd that they have pretty much the same form of social networking that we have today. I would suggest making it more different, play around with different ways of doing it that make it less contempoaray. It also stops it from being outdated (anything that mentions Myspace or similar is outdated, now.) Basically, just make it more futuristic. You don't need to include so much detail about going to the page and logging in, either. Just "Kaiden logged into his account" would work fine.
[There was large flat-screen T.V.] Really? The way technology is moving at the moment makes this, again, stand out as odd.
[Obviously Zane had had the color scheme] The 'obviously' there makes it sound a bit condescending, like the reader should know this (which they don't.) Maybe drop it.
Every thing else I would comment on, I've mentioned in previous reviews, so I'll leave it there. Hope that helps!
| Dreamers-Requiem 5/7/12 . chapter 4
So, I remember reading this in the past - must have got lost from my reading list, sorry! Anyway, I re-read the first few chapters and I'm back to read the rest now.
There were some instances where you could change the wording of sentences to make them flow better. For example, [like some fell gargoyle that waited for its prey to foolishly run in front of it.] could be changed to read (like some fell gargoyle waiting for its prey to foolishly...) [Recato was not a Lycan, though his phycial stature made him seem so, he was race that to most people did not exist] To me, this doesn't seem needed. You could simply have (Recato belonged to a race that, to most, did not exist. Like a Lycan, he was tall and muscular, with a tough but beautiful face.) A lot of the time, cutting down on the sentence length will really help.
Like I said in previous reviews, watch out for overusing the same sentence strucutre, such as 'he was, he did,' etc. Things like [Then he stiffened the exit door had opened and a seedy looking man came out, he looked around fervently before walking quickly down the alley.] sound a bit awkward. 'Then' can really slow the pace down. Consider something like (Stiffining, he stared at the exit, now opening as a seedy looking man came out. He looked around...) etc.
[please be prepared to fight…this target…seems suspicious…it may be a trap…I'll be coming to give you back-up."] The use of '...' slows things down, I feel. Maybe (please be prepared to fight. This taget seems suspicious. It may be a trap. I'll be coming...)
Just a few suggestions; hope they help!
| Aelfdronna Cierclal 12/3/10 . chapter 10
Continue writing, this is really good. Although, Ricardo and Rey's relationships with Kaidan are a bit... murky. Just to clear this up, this is not shounen-ai or whatever, right? Anyway, sexuality aside, a really, really good story.
| BlaznFangurl 5/11/10 . chapter 11
E! Muse, that was so damn sexy, th wewhole thing! I love all the powers you created, it makes me want to get to the good part of Twisted Cliches! Man I cannot believe I waited this long to read this chapter, and I cannot believe you haven't updated yet! I love Kaidan so much, XD When this gets famous I want to fanfic this!
Hurry and update!
| Dreamers-Requiem 3/9/10 . chapter 3
The chapter itself was good, and as with all the characters the ones here seem quite interesting. However, as a bit of advice I'd suggest reading over it, possibly out loud, before posting - it'll help with spotting missing words or typos, which there are quite a few of here. It'll also help with dialogue. There are some interesting questions raised here, which makes me really eager to read on and find out more.
(P.S: could you payback these reviews via Play the Game or Into the Night? Cheers.)
| Dreamers-Requiem 3/7/10 . chapter 2
I really like the idea of different races, and the way you're introducing them is nicely done. Parts of this still feel like a bit of an info-dump, and the last but one paragraph felt a little repetitive with 'he did this then did that then he...' sort of thing,but other than that it's nicely written. The only thing I will say is that so far, he's seems way too perfect, especially with the whole 'really hot plus the smell plus 'well endowed'' thing. But having a character like that is something really up to the author, I'm just kind of hoping he has some sort of flaw later down the line.
| Dreamers-Requiem 3/6/10 . chapter 1
Good opening, however a lot of it felt like a huge info-dump, especially regarding the descriptions of the characters. Maybe break it up a bit, use different sentence structures? It got a bit repetitive in some places, such as;
'He had short dark blonde hair that went into sideburns that eventually led to a short and well trimmed beard. He had red markings underneath his deep maroon eyes. He was very dashing man.'
The other thing I noticed was
'The pattern of Lloyd pooping off,'
This confused me, and it might just be me but I didn't understand what it meant.
Although the descriptions are good, they are a little bit too detailed, so yeah. Just watch out for that. Other than that, it's nicely written and seems like an interesting story.
-from The Roadhouse
| Palm Tree 12/21/09 . chapter 11
All right, the format’s going to be a little different but it shoud be much easier to read through as far as corrections go. n.n'
So, first off, don’t forget to begin a new paragraph when another character speaks and don’t hesitate to chop up the blockier ones, especially when combat is involved. Also, when the focus shifts to Linda (I believe) be sure to say so in the first line to avoid confusion: ("'This isn’t going to end anytime soon…you are both of ample ability to protect her, I will give you and the others cover.' She[Linda] stated as she jumped into a nearby tree.")
* ("'Ayame Kouseka, my[,] my you’ve improved since the last time I saw you[;] you’re actually able to use that technique now, your family always did have a knack for their jutsus[,]' [a] man with vibrant red and orange hair who seemed to be the leader of the pack of ninjas stated.") [missing commas, semicolon, and error in capitalization]
*("'Please[,] Kaidan, all of you run, I do not know if I can defeat them all and I don’t wish for any of you to be hurt[,]' [s]he stated as she began to glow with her chakra.") [missing commas and error in capitalization]
*("'We need to go help them[,]' Kaidan insisted as he began to move forward...") [missing comma]
* ("She took up her kodachi and held [it] in front of her...") [missing word]
*("Then[,] without warning[,] Recato disappeared in a cover of darkness...") [missing commas]
*("As Recato did this[,] Rey charged at the front flanks of the ninja mini-army...") [missing comma]
*("The other ninja’s[ninjas] attempted to double team him,[;] they slashed at him from both sides;.Rey flipped over their attacks[,] and as he did so grabbed both of their heads.") [unnecessary apostrophe, semicolon instead of comma, period instead of semicolon, missing comma]
*("The[Then][,] with an enraged growl[,] slammed their skulls into each other...") [typo and missing comma]
*("He[The] fiery haired ninja sighed and said...") [typo]
*("... one of them hitting 2[two] ninjas head...") [spell out numbers]
*("Linda finished,[;] she kneeled down and breathed heavily, panting out[,] 'That technique is still under construction.'") [semicolon not comma and missing comma]
*("Ayame stood up and pulled out her blade saying[,] 'I will kill Jirai, please step back.'") [missing comma]
* ("... with one well placed chop of his hand the stump spurting blood for a few a few seconds...") [“a few” repeated once]
* ("Reymundo hopped out of the crate[crater]...") [typo]
* ("With a sizzle is[it] disappeared from existence.") [typo]
All right, it was GREAT to finally be able to read this story again. I’ll admit that I was a little bit confused starting off but that’s only because it’s been so very painfully long since the last update! D8 I was all over the insane gore you described and you did so quite bone-chillingly well. It was frightening in an awesome way that makes me think both Recato and Reymundo are the total BEASTS that they are. By the way, Rec and Rey equal Team Win when it comes to combat. It’s very clear that you do NOT want to be their opposition because DANG. That was some intense brain busting. All the attacks you described were epic and very anime-esque, though I really liked Linda’s gun-themed one. I’m also now wondering just what Recato is wondering about Rey’s abilities and, it seems, Kaidan’s as well. I hear the plot rumbling. That said, I’m also curious about the exact reasons behind the attack and look forward to getting the answers in later chapters. By the way, I feel like I must throw in that I was all over Kaidan and his awesome showdown with Jirai. I mean, I’m so happy that I’m so fond of him and just couldn’t help but root like there was no tomorrow.
And now to address my squeals which came consecutively in the most freakish fangirl way.
When Recato stopped Kaidan from killing Jirai. It was such a FUN thing to imagine and I couldn’t help but just be all PHYSICAL CONTACT. MUST SHIP THEM NOW. And oh… Recato pulsing his energy into Kaidan? I mean, I know it’s not but it’s still such a signifying signifier of all things meant to tease. ;D
When the battle was won and Kaidan awakened and then BOOM. Recato ripped off his clothes. NUNS would cast aside their conviction in the convent and assault the streets in SEARCH were they to read of his glory as described by that mischievous Kaidan and his roaming eyes.
Then BANG BANG. Recato‘s staying over! Implications! It oozed awesome and then what? Reymundo too! YES. And Mystina the dominant chick standing protective over the center of this delicious love triangle… or square? All together and then some?
E. UPDATE. MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.
Thank you so much for updating! 8D It was a joy to write this review and an even greater joy to read. Like I said, please update soon! (-cannot stress enough-)
(Oh, and, unless I’ve said otherwise at some point, I totally am not shocked by Kaidan’s bi-ness of lurve. He’s public property, you know. ;D -shot-)
| Luna the wolf dancer 11/30/09 . chapter 1
- forget what I said on Lousie's website, I'm gonna fall in love with this story! This was a beautiful prologue! *-*
| solitaryAce 11/30/09 . chapter 1
you describe the characters nicely, Im loving the albino blood tiger though, and the fact that the whole gang has to follow Kaidan seems interesting, will definitely read more soon.
| Patricia Louise 10/16/09 . chapter 1
Your description in this beginning is excellent. You really have a way of making someone 'see' what something looks like. I felt that the exchange between Kaidan and Zane at the beginning was a bit more tell than show. I would have like to have seen how their relationship was instead of being told how it was. Does that make sense? Other than that, you handled the dialogue and the character introductions very well, and this is a very intriguing beginning!
| ADSpencer 10/8/09 . chapter 1
Intriguing beginning. You character description was very well thought out and distinctive. I didn't particularly 'like' that the chapter began with physical description, but it wasn't badly done, so kudos. The chapter played out well and made me curious to know more about this world. I also the introduction of these other characters (minor, I suppose) in this chapter/prologue.
| Devil's Playground 10/8/09 . chapter 1
This seems like a very promising start! My first thought was WOWKAIDANSOUNDSHOT but, that's not very constructive... ahem.
Anyway, I love your description. You obviously pay close attention to detail when it comes to both characters and the setting, and it really helped me picture/get into the story. However, at some points it was a bit much - you should try breaking up information rather than giving huge chunks of it. For example, when you're introducing Miakis, Lloyd, etc. and described each of them, in detail, right in a row - it was a little overwhelming. You could try breaking those apart; maybe describe Miakis first, then have her say something, and then when Lloyd jumps into the conversation you can describe him, or something like that.
There were very few grammatical/spelling errors that I noticed, and the couple that I did see were very minor, so kudos to you. I'm very interested in this and plan on reading more, great job!