|Reviews for perseverance|
| diffident 4/14/09 . chapter 1
Brilliant poem. I love the subtle rhetorical turn in the lines "must be in the coffee / must become that coffee." One thing I would suggest is to be more consistent in your punctuation-periods in particular. I'd put one at the end of the ninth line and at last line. But I love your use of dashes, like a modern Emily Dickinson. Maybe put another one at the end of the fifth line.
I have to favorite this because I'm going away to a university in Chicago in August and I've been anticipating this sort of feeling. I love love love "there is no such thing as the real world"-I lost those delusions long ago and it's such a truism. Again, I love this.
| simpleplan13 3/21/09 . chapter 1
"there is no such as the real world"... that line felt like it was missing a word. Maybe "no such thing"?
"it’s a myth that grown-ups make up"... I don't think you need the word that. It seems a tad wordy. Also, maybe create would be a better choice than made up? Just less slangy.
There's only one tooth fairy that I know of, so I would just say tooth fairy, not tooth fairies.
I really like the piece. Your descriptions in the first two stanzas are really great and make a great point. I also think you used punctuation well in those parts. That last stanza was good as well, it made a great point.
PS If you're bored this weekend, check out the Review Game and/or its Review Marathon (links in my profile)
| Manuel Fajar 3/15/09 . chapter 1
O,—they drink black coffee down in Cuba,
Though there's no lack of socialism,
It's more a gay conversational spark,
Lubricating words to flow wittily.
But once they had carnival before Lent.
A sure knowledge that repentance & ash
Must come, made everyone put on false masks,—
Some with gaiety,—others piety.
There's virgins and whores ; angels and demons ;
There's monsters, and even long-drawn dragons ;
There's revelry, there's love and there's murder,—
There's everything condensed in a few days.
So Thespians let's be, and pick our true rôles,
For acting's the way to make destiny,—
Our plot and our life in our little time :
What other choice but carnival full live ?