 The Melissa Occult 2009-03-21 . chapter 2Flash fiction, I know it has to be short, but a little bit of set-up might be nice. Maybe just a tad of location? Only because, in my experience, refrigerators usually sit there fairly harmlessly.
I think it does a moderate job of expressing adrenaline, however, almost all of the adrenaline is taken care of in the first few sentences. The rest is just falling action. If you are going to stick with the prompt, you should want him straining to lift the fridge through the whole piece, and then, adolescent muscles straining, he finally heaves it off at the end, and is left wondering if his friend will live.
It's good, it's powerful, but if you're going to have it be adrenaline, you should try to express it more clearly throughout the entire piece. When I'm on adrenaline, I don't crouch on the ground and wait. I'm jumpy, and I'm jittery, with my heart echoing like african drums in my chest.
Good things,
TMO |
 The Melissa Occult 2009-03-21 . chapter 1Decent story.
I would suggest avoiding contractions where they are not necessary, or lend nothing to the story. Most of them aren't really so bad, but where you say "Canton's in the clear", that stuck out to me as sort of awkwardly informal. While I don't think in most cases contracting things like "doesn't" "wouldn't" "don't" etc. is a big deal. I would stick to contracting your nouns only when used in speech or to show possession.
The graveyard actually now seems like a pleasing place for me to go sleep next time I am plagued by insomnia. If only it weren't against the law!
-TMO |