Very cool :D That last bit made me a little sad...

"Faint stirrings of air drift up my shorts and a curious, but not unwelcome feeling of being violated seeps into my consciousness."
- XD I most admit that made me giggle like a school girl with an obnoxious crush. *cough* Enjoyed the small sample you offored, aand I say sample cause you say you won't post anything new; that's being a tease I tell ya(not finishing the story)!Um I digress, I enjoyed it.
(I'm not one to critize a a story much because I'm a glass half-full kinda girl)

I just stumbled upon this story!
I think in most cases, you truly do have a stunningly vivid array of imagers. The image of the 'bruised' sky is particularly beautiful. You have a good vocabulary, which is very helpful in structuring imagery and the exact ideas wishing to portray. That being said, you occasionally tend to stumble into over-description and that can sometimes smother the strength of the imagery, for it doesn't allow the images to stand alone. I feel, also, some of the wonderful flow this story has is stunted in areas with the use of too many unneseccary commas.

You know your characters well, and that shows. Although that doesn't sound like much to do, it really is. There are so many cardboard characters I have found in some writing on this site that are simply there to say a couple of basic lines and then jump into bed and live happily ever after. The mother, to me, really stands out. She was the one I could see most clearly. Your dialogue is well developed too, and nothing incredibly redundant is said - since no matter how 'naturalistic', dialogue is still a structured languange. Anyway, great piece and I really hope you become inspired to write more. I have no idea why I felt compelled to write a novel of a review on this! Xx

what do you mean it's bad?!
this isn't bad Doug, this is really good. layton hooks up with the creepy old man?! hmm interesting. wow, you got a review from kalista jia.
update soon m'darl.

HAHAHAHA! Layton is such an innocent boy! At first I was like "huh they sell those in a florist shop?" (MOM! You sell these? p.s Mom is a florist lol)

THen I got it. It was hilarious. ‘Where are all the flowers? Why are there no lights? Why…mushrooms? Is that a penis?! Oh…no, no it isn’t.’

And here I am to return the favor. (:

"streaking like valkyries across the purple sky" - 'tis gorgeous.

"sticking to my forearm like well-chewed gum." Ew. Effective. But still ew.

"I can smell the feeling of care seeping from each building." I don't really like this -- "feeling of care"? It's too simple and a bit too -- maudlin? Over exaggerated?

I love the description of the shop.

"'Fuck me, what is this?'" HAH.

I really can picture all of this quite perfectly.

Is it penises? I've always said penises. Hah, 'penii.’

One thing - a bit overkill with the italics. I don't really like using italics except in dialogue. Your writing is strong enough to speak for itself, you don't need fancy, technical computer constructions to speak for you.

Is 'fibre' the British spelling of 'fiber'? That's way cooler. I want to spell like the British.

"'Ah!' I scream" Isn't that redundant?

The mom is awesome. I like her intensely.

I liked the awkward fumbling-with-pot-introduction-thing between Layton and the guy. Lloyd. Who has an ageless face (I liked that line too).

I liked the crab-metaphor for eyes, but I'm not entirely sure it works for me. Crabs are too clumsy and lack the fluidity of eyes - hm, maybe I'm looking into this too much. I don't know. Not quite my thing.

All in all, it's very real, it's very tangible. I could picture it all and smell it and feel it and that's really quite difficult to do.

Also, it's clear that you have a very impressive vocabulary, and you use it to your advantage. A lot of times writers like that come off as superfluous and unnecessary, and it hurts their writing rather than helping it. But you place it pretty much flawlessly, so props for that.

Another thing – why the single quotations for dialogue? I think I mentioned this in the other story of yours that I reviewed, I can’t remember.

That is all. It was excellent. Damn this is a long review.

Wow, I don't really know what to say about this. I really like for one. And well, the way you write seems so, elegant and mellow? Yeah, elegant and mellow. :) I LOVE IT!

I really do love this story so far. I've re-read it a couple of times. I've laughed through quite a bit of it. I hope to see more! I want to know what's going to happen and what is up with that florist. Hehe.

Not to be reduntant, but so absolutely lovely. Your imagery is so compelling and taut and palpable. I'm completely enamoured with your words, touching gently and subtlely on the most innocuous thing but making them real.
I want to see my protagonist though, I see mum and the florist.

I'm completely enamoured with you vocabulary. One doesn't have to have a splendid vocabulary to create a wonderful story, however when the writer crafts his words so eloquently, I am besotted.

Can't wait for more

Okay, I thought this was a very good beginning. I absolutely adored your descriptions; they were marvelous, I felt like I could really see the scene. I could picture the flower shop in my head; pretty creepy, if you ask me!

There were just a few things I had problems with, though:

1) I didn't know that Layton was a boy until the middle of the chapter, when he said he could be the shopkeeper's "son." Layton is sort of a gender ambiguous name, in my opinion, and I'd just automatically assumed that he was a girl.

2) I don't like how the chapter starts out with "and." It leaves me feeling like something happened earlier that I don't know about at all--who's the she? Stuff like that. I think it'd be better if you just took out the first sentence entirely.

Overall, though, I did love this chapter, and I can't wait to read more!

Awesome! It's really good. Keep going.

‘Where are all the flowers? Why are there no lights? Why…mushrooms? Is that a penis?! Oh…no, no it isn’t.’ i love that lol! your descriptions at the end and beginning are almost the same. so pretty.

kamen x

...So I'm fairly certain the last review probably made you cum in your pants but moving on. Swiftly.

There's not much more for me to say other than I loved it the first time I read and I still love it. You have a way with words that I envy, a lot. And what's more you can write dialogue in a very convincing way.

As far as the characters go, I like the mom the most, which with my fetish should come as no surprise. xD But yeah, she's hands down my favourite and funny to boot. Like one of those crazy, eccentric moms who's pretty much cool with everything but knows when to be all serious business. I do love her so.

The man, on the other hand, is a bit murky and maybe he thinks that Layton will never come back so it's okay to sort of flirt with him this one time. Dunno.

Also, wtf is this: "are all screened off by green shades, leaving only the flowers on the windowsill to enjoy photosynthesis." No. No. Yes I am being a pain in your rear but no.

Maybe it's just me but your writing gets a bit stiff when you get to the part with the description of the inside of the shop. From the "The only avenue" to the bit about penii. Penises. Whatever. Idk, really, but it always bugged me how that part just didn't flow the way your writing usually does.

Muur, besides that I love it. I love the character interaction and the way you set everything up. Write more. Or, or write some of The Night Garden. xD

--High, high above my head kites wheel and cry out to one another; streaking like valkyries across the purple sky.
That's some very nice imagery; better yet, you didn't overdo it, as I wasn't baffled.

Is there a reason you used single quotations for dialogue instead of double?

I've got a glimpse of the narrator's character from just the first few beginning paragraphs. You craft some charming sentences as well.

--Mild currents of air drift up my shorts
The use of 'currents' is questionable, since it sounds a tad more formal compared to what you have so far, and I imagine 'currents' of air as being far stronger than a simple breeze.

--but not unwelcome feeling of being violated seeps into my consciousness.
That's... a curious sentence. He wishes, or likes, to be violated?! Or is he just enjoying the breeze?

--My sandals are stuck to my feet.
I'm not sure whether 'stuck' is conveying what you're saying well; I know what it's talking about, but my first thought was along the lines of 'good, they should be.' If there's no other verb that works in its place, it's fine as it is.

--short-sighted in every sense of the word
Nicely crafted to portray a bit of a character flaw.

You may have overdone the description for the... shop. I struggled to read through it and ended up skimming. While they're nice descriptions, the fact that all action stopped isn't good.

I like how you're using more elegant-type words, it keeps a mellow-ish mood and accentuates the use of flowers in your story.

--they gleam dully, but noticeably.
If he can see that they gleam dully, it's implied it's noticeable.

--His nose is slightly crooked, but if it were a hat, it’d be worn at a jaunty angle.
Hah! I've never seen a nose described that way.

It seems the narrator is checking out the shopkeeper. It seems the shopkeeper is now a potential love interest.

--They’re like crabs, the way they scuttle back and forth across the room.
Same here as my comment about the nose description. Creative.

--shoving my hands forwards
I'm fairly sure it should be 'forward,' not forwards.

--which he kindly holds open for us
It's best not to tell most cases, and that's what adverbs do. I don't think you need the adverb in this case. He's holding the door open for them - nowadays, that's interpreted as nice.

You showed the relationship between Layton and his mom really well. It was nice how you showed that his mom knows, or hints at so, that Layton bats for the other team.

Nice start.

hehehe
I love this a lot so far!! And I am glad you're going back to writing humor, because you really are good at it!

I know I already told you, but I lovee his mom! She is hilarious! The way she's always cursing xDD I just love it.

And then the phallic mushrooms xDD!!

You PWN everything and everyone with your descriptions. The things you have in here... I would never be able to think of things like that! Which is why I envy you.

I mean it when I say you are too good for FP! And that is so not me being a fangirl!! *narrows eyes*

And I also mean it when I say I can't wait for you to update :D