You certainly have a talent for setting the tone and giving an emotional feel to your pieces. I hope you didn't write this from experience :(.

LOL Im reviewin this story at school. pretty good i guess. g2g before bandhauer finds me

wow...that was awesome. It was really interesting and sad. i love it!

That is so sad!!

I really liked the beggining. It was very, very well written and full of emotion. It is three years later that you need to fix up a bit.
'...the man called "Pain"' It somehow slows the flow of the whole poem. You didn't mention the refrence between him and 'Pain' when you started in the very beggining, so it seems a bit pointless to 3 years later. You can say "called past Pain" or something like that.
Also, on the the second last line, "BANG! He'd dead"
You have to say either'BANG! He's dead' or 'BANG! He'd died"
The BANG with the tree exclamation marks also seems a bit out of place. Write it "Bang! He's dead" instead. It looks better.
'Forever, she's free" would sound better as 'Forever she is free'

You are a very talented writer. This is an amazing poem. I like Within Temptation very much as well.