Interesting first chapter! I'm a bit confused though. But I'll read on (: This whole incarnation thing is very interesting. Almost reminds me of all the King-Arthur-Reincarnate stories I've read. Often they come across as weird. But so far you have managed to do fine!

Again, another great chapter. I was particularly drawn in by the description where Cassarah was dying in the vision. Usually hard to pull off considering none of us have experienced it yet, but nicely done.

Just a tiny thing I thought was a little out of place - when Calanthe was talking to Vantandal, and he asks “What…happened, if you don’t mind my asking?”, it seems a little too casual when she shrugs her shoulders with the kind of "you know, i relived Cssarah Ataraha's death; no big deal." I'm pretty sure that the thought of experiencing this herself would make her clamp up inside or at least feel somewhat disturbed of the situation. You can still make her curious at this point, but perhaps show a little more exasperation or terror or anything else that tickles your fancy?

Anyway, it might not sound it after all that, but I thought that this chapter was certainly as riveting as the last and I'm definitely going to go off now and read the next chapter!

This was very nice and enchanting to read. You sort of create an alternate universe (in my opinion, I know it's supposed to literally be historical) that is in some ways historical, and draw readers in with this wonderful writing. Every line of dialogue packs a punch, and I can just picture real people talking this way and the emotions behind their words.

I'll give a formatting hint. You may, or may not, however you want to do things, make your paragraphs longer. Historical and romantic fiction is meant to be read more drawn out, and not so quickly. Just add a few lines of prose, or even bumping the already existing paragraphs together would work.

All in all, well done!
-Katie

I'm very intrigued by the story so far. I'm having a stab that it was inspired by the film 'The Mummy', or at least that's the drift I've been getting in the first chapter (I haven't read on yet). It's great reading a fantasy story with elements of Egyptian mythology, especially since I'm a little bit of a history lover myself.
I am especially drawn to Calanthe's defiance and her unwillingness to marry. After reading so many male dominant stories on fictionpress, it is certainly uplifting to see such a spirited female as the protagonist.

Definitely adding this story to my favourites!

Loved this chapter, especially the description of the marketplace.

Also, this really impressed me: [The redhead stuck her arm through Calanthe’s and spun her around to enter a low, white building, unique in that it didn’t have columns like all of the other buildings surrounding it.]
This sentence is *golden*, especially that first part-- I actually felt as if my perspective were being turned and directed by Aella's motion as she spun Calanthe toward the restaurant. Masterfully done. It really grounded me in the story, as if I were actually there with them-- and it read as smoothly as a dance move. A lot of writing I read tends to get either vague or overcomplicated when it comes to physical motions, but what you wrote here just grabbed me and pulled me in. Excellent touch. Little devices like this can pull your readers deeper into a scene.

Also, as a linguist I am pleased that you took a moment to treat the language of Numeria and the fascinating split between what languages the moneyed classes feel obliged to learn and use, and what the common folk speak. The fact that Calanthe is currently limited in her understanding of Numerian and relies upon the generosity of her noble-blooded hosts for information is so wonderfully . . . tempting to think about. How easy it would be for someone to feed her misinformation, or limit her exposure to her future subjects. Or both. I wonder what kind of subtle edge Calanthe could gain by learning more of the local language than her (maybe) well-meaning tutors think she knows. It might increase her ability to engage in eavesdropping, etc. Tantalizing prospect.

And of course I am intrigued by this first mention of the "Nileans who rule us." I hope to hear more about them as the story progresses!

Can't wait to read more . . .

Oof, for a second I thought Aella knew that Vantandal was Aric reincarnate. Way to go with making my blood pump faster! I loved the descriptions of the outdoors, and of the seasons changing.

Just one error:

And, judging by the number of dirty looks the maids gave him, the guard didn’t have the best of reputations, which made Calanthe flush a [don't need the 'a'] just a little.

Update soon!!

~ Sakina x

Oh, Vantandal's dream came as a huge surprise to me...I can see that things are definitely going to be shaken up soon! I hope Cal develops her ability enough so that she is able to read Vantandal before history can play out again...

~ Sakina x

I thought there would've been more disagreement or a test that Cal would've had to go through to prove her aura, so it is nice that things went so smoothly. Looking forward to seeing how Cal handles her studies...

~ Sakina x

Wow, that dream was so wonderfully done, so full of emotion and despair. Looks like it was enough to shake up Cal into accepting the offer then... I wonder if Aric's reincarnation will have a large part to play in this...

~ Sakina x

Good flow and dialogue, which really reflects Cal's personality (am I allowed to call her that? :P). I liked the description of the library, and also the conversation regarding the souls.

~ Sakina x

Hey, I loved the characterisation of Cal, and the way you jumped straight into the story here. It took me a few paragraphs to realise that this was set in an alternate world so well done on being subtle about it! :)

~ Sakina x

First off, this is very well written. I'm impressed.
Secondly, the detail was phenomenal. There wasn't so much that it was overwhelming, but there was still plenty to give the right feel and look to the surroundings etc.
Thirdly, the characters were very realistic in how they spoke and acted with each other and even just reading this one chapter made me want to read the first five. I was amazed at how well this whole thing simply drew me in.
Beautifully done. Thank you.
~Eshana

This is very interesting so far! It's obvious that you spent a lot of time developing this world and the people and culture in it. I like the Numerian titles you have created, like "Kelari" and "Wre." You're not one of those people who think that every word they create has to be long, complicated, and totally unpronounceable.

Your grammar and spelling are great - if there was a mistake, I didn't catch it.

This is very fast-paced - which sometimes is good in action stories, but this is not an action story, so I feel like you go from Point A to Point C very quickly, in all aspects. Calanthe went from total denial that she was the incarnation to suddenly living and taking classes in Numeria. Just as hastily, it seemed the hostility between she and Vantandal disappeared to be replaced with friendship and "blossoming romance," one of the top clichés and difficult to pull off. Perhaps if you slowed it down, added more description or something instead of rushing through it, it would make it more plausible.

Calanthe herself is an interesting character, but she feels a bit two-dimensional and Mary-Sueish. She's the classic tough-exterior-vulnerable-interior heroine, but I don't see anything that really constitutes as a flaw. She's beautiful, unafraid, intelligent, witty... she needs a little more balance, you know?

Regardless of my criticisms, I think this is a fascinating story. The plot is original and quite riveting, the names you have come up with are simple yet still manage to be pretty and exotic, and you have a storyline that you can develop into nearly anything. I'd like to see where you take this!

Ah, the cast of characters expands! I look forward to learning more about these council members. Lady Aella already seems like she might make a good ally. I also am very curious to find out who her enemies will turn out to be, and how they will play their hand. Will they oppose Calanthe directly or try to manipulate her, taking full advantage of her relative ignorance?

Are any of the families in power today in Numeria related to those that Cassarah was familiar with in her heyday-- or has too much time passed? It would be very interesting if Cassarah had any particular residual feelings (positive or negative) about certain families/names which in turn influenced Calanthe's behavior toward those people, even though the agendas of the living aristocracy may be completely different from those of the long-dead to whom they are distantly related . . .

As Calanthe made to enter the palace, she got stopped by a guard-- who turned out to be a woman. Loved that. Loved how Calanthe took it in stride, too, as if it were completely normal for women to be warriors . . . It tends to be rare in fantasy. Even in fantasy novels with heroines, those women tend to be the outcasts or oddities of their worlds, rather than the norm.

I am curious if Calanthe simply takes it for granted that women can be fighters because she grew up being taught that, or if she assumes it's just an odd, foreign feature of Numeria.

As Calanthe settles in here I hope to see much more of the city and the people in it. I hope she runs into that guardswoman again, too. I have the feeling Calanthe will need to know a little self defense if she intends to take up the throne . . . she could afford to ask for a few lessons.

One thing I would have liked to see more of in this chapter is Calanthe's departure from her home and the week-long journey to Numeria's royal city. Not only is running away on a whim exciting to read about, it seems like it would have been the perfect opportunity for some deeper character building. You got an excelelnt start with that (Vantandal mentioning his parents, for example), which was juicy and intriguing. It made me greedy for more! I would enjoy hearing more conversations they have on the road . . . I want to see Calanthe's close-hand observations of the Eltrive men's appearance, their habits, anything about their behavior that bespeaks a cultural difference . . .

On that note, if I were in Calanthe's position I would have spent the journey interrogating Vantandal and Sorenson on . . . well . . . virtually every topic. But especially on Numeria. It would be a great chance to give us readers a preview of the political snakepit which I expect Calanthe is blithely walking into. Would Vantandal suger-glaze everything to keep Calanthe from losing her nerve-- make it seem like she is on her way to an easy life in paradise? Or would he make any comments which predisposed her for or against certain council members? If he were an unscrupulous man he could have a field day messing with her head. If he were a bit more moral than that, it seems like he would want to give her pertinent information, anyway.

As a reader I would also enjoy getting to experience the textures of the geography, any meetings the three travelers have with other people, and Calanthe's impressions of the food and the weather and what it feels like to camp outdoors (for maybe the first time in her life?) or to stay at inns which differ radically from the clean and safe sort of environment she is used to. What if she encountered some unsavory sorts of people and Vantandal and Sorenson came up behind her and scared them off? What if she handled the unsavory people on her own and impressed the Numerians as a result? What if they ran into people who hate Eltrive? What if they heard more unsettling rumors about the possibility of civil war in Numeria? Such details might help the readers mentally make the transition between the two countries in question here.


I am also curious about Calanthe's family, who seem rather like non-entities. It was so . . . effortless for her to leave home. And school. Had she no friends to say goodbye to? (Or to feel bad about being unable to say goodbye to?) Does she really think her parents and sister will take this calmly, feeling nothing more than "disapproval"? If that's true, could that be part of the reason why she agreed to go-- in order to make her parents get angry for once, to make them demonstrate that they actually care? If so, I want to know about it. It would add a pinch of spice to things.

We don't have very much information about how life was for Calanthe until now-- we haven't really met or gotten to know a single character from her old life. Those people remained pretty much "offscreen". But in order to show *why* it's so unsettling for Calanthe to consider the fact that a long-dead soul might be uprooting her orderly little existence and permanently changing the course of history for her, you might want to show us what it is that she is losing in the bargain.

As she and her escort progress further and further away from her home, it would make a good opportunity to show what she's going through as she considers throwing that life away forever. Either Calanthe's doubts or her determination might be strengthened by the experience.

This is my favorite chapter so far-- very creepy and dark! (I like dark stuff . . .)

Although one of your other reviewers asked that you show a more human side to Aric as he goes in for the kill, I kind of lean the other way. I like how *inhuman* he has become in your depiction of him. He is a total sociopath at this point. It's wonderfully shiver-inducing. Still, it might be good to emphasize that awful transformation from lover to killer by finding a way to show us a little more of what Aric used to be. You needn't necessarily rely on flashbacks for that (although it could help). If you underline Cassarah's reaction to this betrayal with a little more horror and shock-- maybe because she is still desperate to believe that somewhere in there he has a shred of humanity if not love-- it would help you illustrate Aric's former good qualities through their very absence, just like an artist might use negative space to emphasize the shape of something in a painting.

On another note, it just so happens that this scene hits hard on a particular area of interest for me as a writer.

. . . I know it may seem counter-intuitive, but as an exercise you might like to try writing a painful scene or event like this one without relying on the obvious words (pain, hurt, agony, excruciating, etc). I'm sure you've heard the writer's axiom "show don't tell," but with pain especially I think there is a very good reason for it.

Most people automatically distance themselves from disturbing images or words. It’s a completely unconscious defensive reaction, just like jerking your hand away from a hot kettle. A simple word like “pain” can be a strong trigger for distancing-- and as a result the word becomes just a word. By summing it up with “pain,” the sensations you are trying to convey have a much smaller chance of making it off the page and into the reader’s awareness. Compare these two examples I made up at random:

(1) The knife sank into his arm painfully. He had never felt such agony.

(2) As the blade sank into arm, his awareness narrowed down to a point-- colors drained away. His eyes were still seeing things but his mind did not register any of it. For a breathless moment it was as though he had gone blind. And then-- suddenly, like a match being struck in the darkness, the nerves caught fire-- and the terrible brightness rolled up his arm and *hit* him. . . . etc etc.

Even though “agony” is one of the most heavy-duty pain words in the English language, I think it’s safe to say that example (1) has made of it a viper with no fangs.

Try experimenting! Anything that gets cliched with overuse-- love, joy, sadness, fear-- is fair game. It will make your writing a lot stronger.

Of course, sometimes a smile is a smile, a cigar is just a cigar, and you need to name a thing what it is. If you find that you must use one of those trigger words, use it very sparingly if you can, and give it the impact it deserves. Certain words are powerful and should be treated as such.

Still really enjoying this story and curious to see what happens next. Good work!