There was a missing word ("His violet--?--stared at morning sky...") and some missing punctuation (ex. ("'How much farther[,] Hideaki!?'") ("They walked together while Tadashi looked up at the stars in the sky[.]")). There were also a few problems with tense (ex. ("The tall man stroke[d] his injured arm...") ("Shiro looked at him and smile[d]...") ("The two girls looked at Hideaki with disbelieve [disbelief] in their young eyes..."). Remember to avoid multiple punctuation and keep in mind the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Also, “someone” is one word. Don’t forget the basic format. In other words:

("'Well you three were bakas for trying to attack them.' Said the blonde girl with a[n] attitude.") should read (“’Well you three were bakas for trying to attack them,’ said the blonde girl with an attitude.”)

Finally, I believe that at one point ("... his ears started hearing footprints walking towards him.") “footprints” was written while the word intended was “footsteps”.

This chapter had a nice change of perspective that gave the previous chapter’s villains to prove their humanity. It was nice to see that, despite their attacking the pack, they were more than just vile criminals. They’re people and I congratulate you on successfully showing that. On the angels, I thought that Blaze was absolutely epic and the same can be said for Ebon. Although Hagi is still my absolute favorite character, those two are making a close second/third. The story’s plot is really started to show and, again, I’m wondering what ties the angels and demons to Trevor and Hagi and all those other people? Is Trevor the guardian they’re all going to be looking for? I wonder…

The one thing that I must say is that BB guns don’t normally draw blood since they are air guns designed for the enjoyment of adolescent boys that want to shoot each other without causing permanent damage. At worst, they can possibly kill a small bird but that’s pretty much it. Other than that, there was some missing punctuation ("'How much farther is it[,] Trevor-san?!'") and one instance of unnecessary capitalization ("Hagi Hesitated a little..."). There were some issues with tense (ex. ("... as he helped Hagi positioned [position] himself a little.") ("... as they watched the three brothers walked [walk] to them.") ("... stared at Trevor with confuse[d] expressions...")) and one issue with wording ("... and pointed to the right ones to Hagi."). There were a few typos (ex. ("He continuous[ly] tried to catch up to Trevor...") ("... with a lighter white tin[t] in the middle.")) and one instance where a word was misused ("Hagi then looked up at Trevor who was walking towards them [him] with a pure small smile on his face.") The only other thing I’d like to address is some basic formatting. In words, whenever a quote is followed by something like “said” “asked” or “replied” then the punctuation ending the quote is a comma. For example:

("'Yes Trevor-san, arigato and the word okay doesn’t have an S in it.' answered Hagi...") should read (“’Yes Trevor-san, arigato and the word okay doesn’t have an S in it[,]’ answered Hagi…”)

On the chapter’s content, Trevor is such a dog! I mean, it’s so obvious that he was raised by wolves and it is so cute! The only thing missing in him for me is some more substance behind his personality but I’m sure that comes in as the story plays out. Speaking of characters… HAGI~! (;o;) Poor guy! I love him so much and he’s hurting! What happened to his beautiful girlfriend? What has them parted? What causes his pain? I must know! I must terminate it so that his gorgeous self can feel only joy! –cough- Other than Hagi, I love the wolves. Karina sounds like one awesome alpha female and Ezekiel (love that name!) seems well on his way to becoming an alpha himself. This chapter had some nice, detailed visuals thanks to your wonderful descriptions and, although the scene was almost too sudden and really fast paced, there was also some good action sequences. Good chapter and, of course, I’m off to the next one. (8D)

There was one sentence ("'... So what if it never shines when the moon and sun focuses it’s beauty on this necklace?'") that really confused me and I honestly don’t know what was intended. Other than that there were a few instances of missing punctuation (ex. ("His eyes then glanced at the person with an apologetic expression on his young face[.]") ("'Yes I am Meisho, I was in a rush[,]' answered Hagi with a shy smile on his face[.]")) as well a missing comma -missing comma ("'I will after the dinner[,] Meisho-kun...'"). Again, be careful with tense (ex. ("Kanha mumbled as she let her hands slapped [slap] her cheeks...") ("He heard Meisho yelled [yell] out...") ("... but unlike wearing a white summer dress like Kanha is [was]...")) In the sentence ("... and jogged to the driveway out side of school.") “out side” should be one word. Be sure to keep in mind the difference between “your” and “you’re” ("'... Your gonna love my family[!]'") and to avoid multiple punctuation. In the sentence ("... but unlike wearing a white summer dress like Kanha is...") “unlike” should probably be something more akin to “instead of”. Then, in the line ("... as he whispered ancient words to release his dark blue angel wings appear.) the word “appear” should be omitted. There was one point where wording could be improved ("... a pilot scarf that wrapped around once on his neck gently.") and some more lines of consecutive adjectives ("Her small light pale white skinned fingers..."). For that example, pick one of the three (“light”, “pale”, “white”) to describe the color of the girl’s fingers. Also, remember to begin a new paragraph whenever you shift the reader’s focus from one character to another.

This was a pleasant transition chapter. It was amusing to read of the angels up in the sky and, save for Kanha’s admiring of Trevor, it almost seems like two completely different storylines and that’s something I personally love in literature. I can’t wait to see how the two cross and will definitely be looking forward to it! In this chapter I do believe that I sensed some hinting toward some teacher-student yaoi and I must say that I like it. I also like the possible love triangle that would exist with the presence of Meisho. As a yaoi fan, this chapter has made me quite happy and, again, I love Hagi! (*o*) He’s so beautiful! Actually, I also like Meisho because I tend to outright adore the more flirtatious femmes of the yaoi-world. As far as I’m concerned, they’re much better than the shy, quiet, emo femmes but that train of though threatens to bring me to a ramble. Although I’ve yet to really develop much of an opinion on Trevor, he /is/ unquestionably cute. Heck, this entire chapter was riddled with cuteness! So congratulations on combining two fabulous elements into one great chapter. (^^)

Watch your tense. That seems to be the one big issue. For example, in the sentence ("The morning sun started to rose...") “rose” should be “rise” and in the sentence ("... and run to the noise...") “run” should be “ran”. The same goes for ("'... help me passed out the books...'") only “passed” should be “pass”. I also noticed a few typos (ex. ("Your speech [h]as improved...") ("... asked Trevor wit[h] a questioning look.") ("... instead of using my name is[in] 3rd person...") and, once, “hine” was written instead of “hind”) There were also a few words that got mixed up. Like in the line ("'I’m proud of your process...'") “process” was used instead of “progress” and in the line (“'A week of detection for you[,] Hideaki[.]’"), aside from some missing punctuation, “detection” was written instead of “detention”. Note the difference between “to” and “too” ("H[is] walk wasn't to long...") and “then” and “than” ("'The final day will arrive sooner then you think...'") as well as “your” and “you’re”. There were a few missing commas (ex. ("He looked on the others who were staring and listening to his powerful words, he finished[,]") ("'Above all, this story will give you a different view on the world[,] class.'")) and one unnecessary comma ("... he thought--,-- as he stood up...") There was also a missing word ("Trevor looked at [the] window..."). There were a few lines that contained consecutive adjectives (ex. "... his slender muscular light white skinned body...") and I would suggest removing the adjectives that are more or less repetitive. In the sentence ("'... but today is not the time though to explain.'") the word “though” should be omitted so that it reads with more clarity. In the sentence ("He put on the school uniform... with annoyed him a lot...") “with” should be changed to “which” and in the sentence ("Trevor watched the professor from the window seat in interest.") “in” should be changed to “with”. When the teacher is thinking to himself ("... with sympathetic in his inner voice.") “sympathetic” should be “sympathy”. To the beginning, Trevor ("... saw the noise.") and that should be changed to something more along the lines of “saw the source of the noise” because, unless you have a condition known as synesthesia, you can’t really see a sound. One sentence ("In the deepest parts of hell, lived on a powerful doorway.") has me completely baffled because I’m still not entirely sure what was meant by it. Perhaps clarify? There’s one thing that I want to address and that’s quotes within a quote. When there are quotation marks within quotations marks, they turn into an apostrophe. To show you what I mean:

(““A lot” Trevor-kun, and your welcome. How is your family doing?”) should read (“’A lot’ Trevor-kun, and [you’re] welcome. How is your family doing?”)

My only question toward the story’s content is the fact of the uniform appearing seemingly out of no where. They’re in a forest, right? So as a reader I’m to assume that his clothes were simply lying around on the grass? If so, state that in the story. If not, state where the clothes are. Otherwise it just seems like the uniform came out of thin air.

I thought that this was an interesting change from the opening. Now I’m wondering who the character in the previous “chapter” was and simply what ties the events of the first episode to the event of the opening. (-shrug-) I’ve got very little idea and I’d like to know what. It was fun to see wolves make an appearance since they are my favorite animal and they just add to my growing list of questions. How is Trevor so intimate with them? How was he taken in by them and how did he reintroduce himself to human society? Hopefully that’ll all be answered later because I’m just dying to know. Out of curiosity, is Trevor blind? You describe his eyes as being “white” and so I wonder… Anyway, the professor sounds hot. I mean, really hot and I like him a whole lot. (XD) I truly think he’s going to get a fangirl out of me sooner or later. I feel bad for Trevor since he’s got to deal with being picked on though I do wish that there was some more time spent on describing his thoughts and feelings. The entire chapter was really very cute and, as is probably obvious, the short scene with the demons has me wondering what’s going to happen next.

In the sentence (“I looked up in the night, cloudy sky.”) “in” should be changed to “at” and, perhaps, “night,” to “night’s” so that it reads “I looked up at the night’s cloudy sky.” The following sentence (“Wondering about the past again, and the stories my father told me when I was young.”) is a fragment and can be fixed by simply changing “and” to something along the lines of “my mind drifted through”. There was one change of tense (“My eyes then glance at the sky…”) where “glance” should be “glanced”. Other than that, I’ve no complaints. This opening was short but it offered a character to settle into the life of and, honestly, even with so few words, that was an easy task. Better yet, the ending seems to imply a world that rains blood. What? What’s going on? I’m completely curious now! Did someone just get murdered in front of him? Or is it seriously bloody rain? I’ve got to find out! (XD) Again, it was short but, as I hope is obvious, it was definitely a successful hook. Good job.

I wonder what dialect you're looking up for your Japanese phrases. I know quite a bit of Japanese but I'm really only know Tokyo Dialect. Shut up, Brother Blaze in Tokyo Dialect is Urasai, Blaze-aniki. I was wondering about that. Your Japanese is probably a different form of mine. Then again, there are also several words in Japanese for one thing. It's complicated like that, although you're probably right your characters just have a different way of speaking.

Japanese can be like that.

Oh and as Love Spell is concerned, Hiroshima is Lucifer. It's a major spoiler for Sacrifice but you already know, lol. As of now in the story he isn't. It will be explained however by the end of it.

I hope you enjoy that story, btw. SilverIsamu and I worked ** it.

Not bad. Some grammar and tense issues here and there, but a pretty good story. I'll come and read the other chapters later. Good job, though.

See you next review,
Terryll Preston

Well, I meant what I said. I liked all of them and I definitely hope that I'll see some updated from them as well. I'm really enjoying this story as well and I liked your action scene with the wolves. I can't wait to see what happens between Hagi and Trevor and what how extensive his wounds are. I hope he'll be alright.

Well, I really like the preface. It gives it a very mysterious atmosphere, and I am a huge fan of manga! The preface is very good. And I just signed up today, so I really don't know much about this site, so do you think you can help me out a little? Anyway, the preface is great!

Wow, this chapter was really good! Your works just keep getting better and better!

It's been a while since I've seen an update from you so I'm definitely excited that you finally posted one up. This chapter was a little fast paced but I really liked it. I also liked how you built up the characters as well. Great job, my friend.

I'm glad that you updated again! I've been waiting for this story and I really like your new chapter! Keep your head up and please continue with your beautiful writing!

This was really good so far. I like how the boy lives with wolves. It's so cute with the scene where they greeted him and everything. I definitely hope that you write more on this piece. You're a great author.

Melissa Norvell said that you needed some new reviews, so I decided to come over and read this. I'm a sucker for yaoi and I definitely like what you have so far. I'll read this until the end if you keep posting chapter ^^

You have some spelling errors that I want to get out of the way first of all.

*The morning sun started to rose up

The correct tense here is rise. Rose is past tense, 'the sun rose up'.

*He leaned back on his Hine legs

hind, it's not capitalized. It only signifies that the legs are in the back and it's not a proper noun.

*Trevor’s eyes glanced at his brothers with a confuse expression

confused, if your first word glanced ends with 'ed then so should confuse(ed). There are other words that are like this as well. It doesn't keep tense when you hop around. Just remember that if the first verb ends with it then so should the others.

*“No human hasn’t began

No human has begun.

Double negatives are a definitely no-no.

* “ “A lot” Trevor-kun, and your welcome.

You only need the quotes at the beginning. The others are meaningless.


Other then that, you have no other mistakes. Since it was Trevor's speech, I didn't have any crits on it because he speaks awkwardly but other parts were narroration and things that other characters said that do need to be corrected.

Your story is coming together well and you definitely are doing a good job. Your characters feel real and you definitely have a storyline building up. You're doing a great job on this and I'll definitely come back and read some more when you decide to post your next chapter.