i didnt get to read chapter 6 :( i def. need to read more though i love your storys katie and lane is a great character...let me know when you write more

I like this, it's simple, in a good way. Not drowning in drama or unrealistic character conversations. In fact I could see some of your characters in people I know. I also like the almost poetic way you write, like the bit about clothes meing shed and all. I kind of was suprised your character just let things happen, almost fustrated, but then again there are some people like that so it was also eerily realistic, if that makes any sense. Nicely done.

I have only read the first chapter but so far this story is gripping and vivid. You refered to the smoke twice a sweet smelling and to me that was a bit of adjective overkill but other wise really good.

Eh, Nate was a scumbag anyway. You really did well capturing her elation at the end; my own heart gave a flutter!

Fantastic chapter, I really felt her shock and sadness. Poor Lane.

God, I LOVE this story.

'I felt like an innocent bystander, watching my own demise.'

Perfect, really. I'm sorry but I can't think of anything remotely constructive to add. I'm biased. And this is good!

Ah, I was starting to miss Lane! Another well written chapter. Really solidifies Lane's personality in our minds.

I'm not usually one for these stories, but the content in this one is better than the content in other stories I've read. I recall a Denis Johnson story I read which I was turned off by. He wrote mostly about drugs and absurdity. I like that we get the drugs and relationships quite obviously in the story, but the story centers around _Lane_. That's probably just a personal taste, but I think it's something writers tend to forget. Stories about people are (in my opinion) more enjoyable to read than stories about substances.

A lot of the technical tricks you use are well-done and cohesive. Separating important sentences into their own paragraphs was the main one I noticed. I also like the precision used in certain areas:

"My heart must have pumped billions of gallons of blood through my veins in the forty-seven minutes it took him to get to my house."

Both tricks (and others) are used effectively. Good job on those.

If you're thinking of dabbling in a different direction with the work anytime soon, I'd suggest perhaps seeing more action or dialogue. As it stands, we're very inside Lane's head. It's a good effect to be sure, she's a conflicted girl occupied with her own thoughts almost all the time. But at the same time, I find myself wondering how she actually interacts. We get her alone in a car, alone in her room, and with Nate, but barely interacting with him. How does she interact in other settings? Or why does she act the way she does? Obviously, these questions don't have to be answered, but if you were thinking of moving somewhere else, those would be areas I would start in, and obviously, I don't know if you already have something in store for the rest of the story.

Solid piece so far. Write on. ^ ^

--Shark Gelli

Lane is perfect. So relatable, reminds me of me. So fantastic work there, man. I'm loving reading this so far, you've written it insanely well, so realistic. My favorite part was, "My thoughts drifted to Nate. His hands on my body. His lips on my neck." the short sentences, the simpleness and even the way you spaced it out, very effective.

Good chapter! Um, I don't think I really have anything else to add.

Love this direction so much more. That vignette feel is back. Wonderful!

You say in your last note that you're going to try to delve deeper into Lane's relationships with other people, and I'm really starting to get a "story" feel, with flowing plot and all.
All I can say to this is NO NO NO!!
Your first chapter was pivotal in forming my opinion. Lane's story thus far has a vignette feel, giving the reader small glimpses into situations and events in Lane's life without any clear form of conclusion or connection. If you've taken any basic high school english course, you must have read or at least heard of, House on Mango Street.
I beg of you, keep this vignette approach to Lane's life! So far, it has worked amazingly well for what you've been trying to get across!
Just my opinion~

this is really good [:
a lot of people who put their work on fictionpress butcher their stories with bad grammar and horrible spelling.
but you...this first chapter was amazing! i'll definitely keep reading. nice job :D

This was a much better ending (though I know it's not really ended) than the previous chapter. All stories should at least have a glimmer of hope at the end, or a silver lining or something. I like that this one wasn't just a little bit of optimism, it was most like a happy realization. Or something like that.

Anyway, I liked it. Lane is a great name, by the way. Reminds me of Penny Lane, though I'm not sure if it's the song or the character I'm thinking of. Probably both.

I'd love to read more about Lane. I think she's an interesting character.

Katie, i absolutly love ths narrations of lane and disagree with you on the point that it is boring. you give every word you say a purpose, theres no extra BS that shoodnt be there and i love the way you use such descriptive sentences that it makes you feel like you are there watching lanes life like its a movie, i wood also like to learn more about her and the cameron character, maybe more about her family where she comes from and what makes her the way she is...this is all things that i believe will help us better connect with lane. You are an amazing writer and i hope you keep us posted on myspace whenever you have a new chapter I look forward to reading more! thank you!!


Nicole Simpson