 simpleplan13 2009-05-23 . chapter 8I don't like the repetition of new in the second and third line. Haikus are so short that repetition is usually awkward sounding, at least in my opinion. I think you could call it an old tune since the wind whispers it every night and then you'd have a nice contrast.
Also, you don't need the comma after wind.
I like the personification of Wind though. It's a nice touch.
PS Check out the Review Game and/or the Review Marathon (links in my profile). |
 simpleplan13 2009-05-23 . chapter 7You change tenses. You go from present (is wanting) to past (could not). I think you should change it to "But cannot have it"
I like the idea here though. That's not something that would immediately come to mind if I was asked to think of something sad, but it is very true. |
 simpleplan13 2009-05-23 . chapter 6"Depress and hopeless, I’m gone"... Depressed. I know that doesn't fit into the syllable count, but that's the correct form so it sounds forced as is.
I love the last line though, it sounds really desperate, which is very fitting. It's a great description of failure, nice job.
PS Check out the Review Game and/or the Review Marathon (links in my profile). |
 LittleLoser.OfTheRebellion 2009-05-15 . chapter 15And so the spring comes... |
 Yuki Nabe 2009-05-15 . chapter 15Quite cute I think.
- Yuki |
 AliceAnimeLover 2009-05-15 . chapter 15 Yes, spring is coming.. Nice Haiku |
 LittleLoser.OfTheRebellion 2009-05-11 . chapter 14seems that it is scene after an exhausting and tiring day |
 AliceAnimeLover 2009-05-11 . chapter 14Great Haiku
The description is great
(^_^) |
 Yuki Nabe 2009-05-11 . chapter 14Quite nice haiku, I like it.
But again the last line has one too much. It is hard to find something else here though.
- Yuki |
 LittleLoser.OfTheRebellion 2009-05-05 . chapter 13"Because expectations makes the heart sick"...isn't it? |
 AliceAnimeLover 2009-05-03 . chapter 12The haiku is nice...
Yah, it will be boring...
I like the ending...
It's good to use fire (^_^) |
 LittleLoser.OfTheRebellion 2009-05-03 . chapter 12That's the thing which absolutely spice up everyone's interest. 'tis very realistic. |
 Yuki Nabe 2009-05-03 . chapter 12Maybe a little to obvious choice of words but it gets the message across, usually I prefer ways to make my readers think about what I have written.
The last line has one syllabe to much.
- Yuki |
 LittleLoser.OfTheRebellion 2009-04-30 . chapter 11It's way too deep I can't decipher half the meaning... |
 AliceAnimeLover 2009-04-30 . chapter 11Nice Haiku~
I like how you use "glitters"
(^_^) |