This has gotten more surreal, but at the same time, not. LOL at them getting caught smoking weed. I think I'd be more irritated that the woman had the balls to be opening up my damn garage then the actual being arrested bit.

Funny that to her he's a bane on the town's existance just for smoking up, imagine how she'd react to his delusions of killing people. If they're are delusions... That whole bit always keeps me off balance.

I really liked that bit where he says something along the lines of either God's reeling him in, or casting her out.

He's gotten more poetic in tone, even when he's being crude. What is up with the red headed boy? I want to connect him to the red butterfly but I'm not sure he's even real. But neither are the butterflies.

And it's interesting that he says the butterfly speaks to him now but we never hear the butterfly say anything to him. I felt like once we accepted his delusion of the butterflies, something else started that is again outside of our comfort zone//knowledge.

i like it. Especially the fact that we have the are they real//aren't they, but yet he can follow them to find Rosemary. Tis strange.

And what is with the MIB presence?? And this chapter seemed to have a larger religious overtone but it never felt preachy over too much, just more present.

Sorry if this isn't that cohesive, lol, I actually wrote up a review when you posted the first time, fp ate it, I got pissed and signed off and now I should be studying but I wanted to review before I forgot.

I'm actually impressed with this story so far. The perspective is unique and I like how it's distorted. The butterflies were clever. It feels like reading what goes on in Kevin's mind. The characterization was clever and none of them feel like cardboard cutouts. I also like how you show and foreshadow events. The details were necessary and I thought your metaphors were clever as well.

I'm still reading Dear Imagination (I found you through that story XD ), so hopefully I'll give you a review for the story as soon as I can.

As for the corrections and feedback below, you don't have to agree with all of it. Just use what works and disregard the rest. :-)

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Corrections/Feedback:

Chapter 1:

{“How about a game sometime?” he knows I’m his new neighbor’s kid.} "he" should be capitalized since it's not a dialogue tag.

{I usually avoid it but today I was tired.} I believe there should be a comma after "it."

{My stitches have fallen out but the scar over my eye and across my fist tell the crowd that I’m one of them.} A comma after "out."

Chapter 2:

{My name is Kevin I will die after drinking spiked fruit juice.} A period or comma after "Kevin."

{Why I’m not in trouble yet.} I think there should be a question mark at the end.

{“Well can’t we do anything about that Swastika?”} A comma after "Well."

{Why’s her hair long.} I think there should be a question mark at the end.

Chapter 3:
{There are sounds of blood, or some liquid, I can’t be sure it’s blood it just sounds hot and thick, like blood.} I think there should be a comma after "sure it's blood."

{"Thank you Jimbo!"} A comma after "you."

{Lapses in and out if my thoughts.} "if" should be "of."

{"My mother would say you’re life’s purpose is to corrupt me."} your.

Chapter 4:

{"Well does God create the psychos?" someone asks behind us.} A comma after "Well."

{"Oh, well I do. But," she holds her hand up.} I think there should be a comma after "well", and a period after "But" since "she holds her hand up" is not a dialogue tag.

{"This isn’t really necessary, give the boys a fine or –,"} I don't think there should be a comma at the end.

{"What d’you think they’re here for?" I asked.} I'm wondering if the switch to past tense is intentional.

Holy crap this is so weird. Like, really weird. If i were nicer I would probably say original. I like it.

WHAT? what happened to rosemary? please keep writing!

freakishly amazing and beautifully stupid in the best ways. Kevin is pretty hot. REALLY hot. Please continue with it and finish it so that my snobbish sister can read it. She's too much of an asswipe to read unfinished stuff, and she'd really like it.

confusing at times, but all the more better for it.

This story is really and truly good. It's so dark, but it feels so real. Kevin is a very interesting character, and I want to see if or how he corrupts Rosemary. I can't wait to see what you do with the rest of this story.

I love this, please continue.

I don't know what's weirder, the fact that he's killing randoms, maybe, or the fact that he's not more freaked out by it. Reading this I get the same feeling I get when I used to watch Pinocchio and Alice in Wonderland, all these things are happening and you can see it but it doesn't feel real. It's all dreamy and daze like and right now, it works [i like the dream quality and not knowing if he's really killing people or if he's insane] but I think it's going to become an issue later on because it is slightly confusing. And I laughed when he said he sprinted his cracker ass right out of the house, hahah, then I was like 'he just killed someone's family!' On the other hand, I don't really believe it because who is that calm when they walk in on some random who has murdered their family?

Also, there was an author that writes likes this, a weird blend of past, present and future, in such a way you feel as disoriented as the speaker but not since it's correlated. I can't remember her name though, and she wrote fantasy. Oh, well, I do find this interesting even though I won't lie, not sure if I would be able to stick through it the whole way on something like fp since it's harder to keep track of everything when it's posted in pieces especially when the MC can't keep track of anything. Good luck with this.

I really don't like it.

This reminds me of Naked Lunch. Making absolutely no sense but at the same time making perfect sense.



It's pretty amazing.

This story is absolutely amazing, the description is subtle yet so vivid, it's like the most insanely perfect batch of contradictions.
I've been feeling dead all day and this just like, made me feel like jelly, well...I feel like I smoked too much weed pretty much. Thanks, made my day. (:

Another very interesting chapter. I find the whole plot weird, but it's interesting enough to keep me going!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything u write Loly!
--DreamBuggy

Talk about a great piece of writing! I love how you use an insane main character. So far I really like all the characters and I like how you worded everything. Very unique. I am looking forward to future chapters.