that's so awesome
but, it's only a one-shot aw!!
and sui-chan didn't have the time off to know the names of both the girl and the boy
anyway, thanks for this
and do agree, he's just simply a coward!
ump!
God Bless always and bye bye :]

So sweet, and sad. People shouldn't judge others by apperances. It's the things that they do that matters.

WOW... I'm speehless x

I think that you should get a beta if english is your second language. Some things you wrote didn't make sense. Example: you don't pull the door, you open the door. You could say "pulling the door open" but you can't forget the "open."

Even though this was your second language, I was impressed by your use of slang and also the way you expressed what the charactor was thinking. I thought that your expressions were right on the mark!

The English wasn't bad, if it wasn't your first language! I liked the simple tone you used, and the way you flip tenses. All in all, this sounds very conversational.

I spotted some things you could change to improve your story:

and owns [has] a boring life.

She’s wearing this [you don't need to write 'this'] blue-framed glasses

not pretty and sexy unlike [like] the other girls

There are some more errors, but I think it would be better for you to find a beta reader, someone who will go through your work and meticulously edit it for you.

~ Sakina x

Ara, the bullying theme as a one-shot. To be honest even for a one shot the development of plot was too fast for my taste, it jumped far too often I think.

First of all as you already know more description will be nice and helping your story and in this particular one I would have added some more "timers" and "state of consciousness indicators".

You have for one part those descriptions of what your narrator is seeing done with the girl and for the other what he himself thinks about it but you have no distinction in writing style for it. You can try to make it more clear with words and of course with the formatting of your text.

One occurence I need to say something about is this:

"I ordered one mango juice in the guy in front of me."

I think you meant: "from the guy in front of me.". I put emphasis on this because this small mistake upsetted the flow of reading which cuts the story into pieces. It makes it a little awkward to read because this word and logic mistake just kills the flow.

And of course this theme might be a very good start for a multiple chapter short story as in this chapter you could see a development of mind of the narrator having compassion with the bullied girl. This henceforth could turn into a variety of stories in whatever genre you pick for it.

Write more and practice!

- Yuki

This was nicely done. The last line was great; rather honest, I thought. I like how you made the main character weak. Not everyone has the courage to go against the crowd, and even if I kinda wished he helped her out, I like that you didn't make him do so. He seems more real because of it, I think. Good job, and good luck improving your english (-:

This is a really nice story! It's touching and it can help me relate to some people that I know. And thanks for choosing me to be your beta reader! Salamat!

(I can't spell some Filipino words right, lol. I'm lucky I know some.)

Ah, I love the narrator yet hate him at the same time. I love him because he loves her, despite the fact that no one else loves her! That's so sweet! He's watching her. :3 (Actually, that's a little stalkerish, but that's okay.)

On the other hand, I hate him because he's such a coward! He let her be bullied--twice! UGH. I want to hurt him.

And then the last line is so beautiful:

I hated you, you were ugly, but, me, liking you makes you beautiful.

ACK. I don't know whether to love him or hate him! *dies*
That was pretty sweet. I love the last line--I really, really want to write something like that for a song now. Ha ha. ^_^

Review Desu
Well not bad for a fresh writer like you. Keep up the good work [aja] . Hhehehe im out of words,but, i will try to compliment Hehehe. Well? um? I understand clearly the story . The words used are great "nice vocabulary usage" [char..].what else?.Dont be so cruel with your character Mikan hahaha "always get bully by the class" hahaha JOKe.Well im looking toward to a knew chapter of this.I hope that it will be more exciting and fresh!!. Okey.Keep up the good work baby hahahaha...[LAShlian DESu]

I think I know how that girl feels and what is she searching for. xD we search for the same thing I guess...

The story is nice, but, I hope that guy at least help her...
But, the ending was nice.. now that he seem like her...
will he approach her? be friendly? protect her?
But, he was a weak guy.. but, if you love someone you will be a brave one.. hehehe, anyway, it's a nice one shot... Let's keep improving our english.. (^_^)