Ugh again, pplleease just harness yourself a unicorn or something and get over to a poetry slam I could just HEAR this being spoken and it's wonderful. Sunstrokes--Sunstrokes! What awesome words. You are an excellent wordsmith.

First off, the imagery in this poem is pretty clearly its driving force and to me, quite wonderful. It is at once abstracted to a degree that really stretches my mind in trying to visualize it, linking very intangible concepts like silence and gravity, and at the same time incredibly sensual and real, which, as this is based around the concept of a fever dream, makes a lot of sense, uniting the mind and the senses like that.
The tone as well really conveys the sort of changing reaction of the speaker to the 'events' of the poem; his varying levels of consciousness of what he is undergoing play out interestingly in the poem, and make it quite a good read.
One thing I would say is that the poem, unless I was reading poorly, seemed to lack much meter or rhyme. I know that open, free verse poetry doesn't really need to use anything like that, but I suppose I think it's always nice to be aware of the reading rhythm and any sort of rhyming sounds you can incorporate; it is after all verse, and you don't want to ground it too intellectually.
That being said, you did seem to make very good use of some other versic techniques like alliteration and the like. It did make the read interesting, even if the main draw of the poem focused around the precise diction and images created.
All in all, it was an enjoyable poem, and a very interesting and compelling concept.

First of all, I'd just like to say that this poem is beautiful. I love the unusual constructions, and the way that they make you think about and explore what exactly they mean. You effected with both your sentence structures and your higher caliber of vocabulary, and I love it.

The interesting structure also enhanced the imagery of this piece, which was lovely. I especially liked the bits about the feelings and sensations of the narrator's bones- 'you lick the flesh / from the slant of my sternum,' and 'I take charcoal to your skin, sharp quick lines / against your hard planes.' The pictures of the two bodies pressed first pleasantly, and later uncomfortably close was both familiar and striking, and I really enjoyed the execution.

I also liked the progression of this poem; the way the narrator moves from security and serenity to excited fear, and then back again. The sensation of a hallucinatory nightmare was very strong and sharp, and basically well conveyed.

Regarding your author's note, about the messed up formatting actually made very little difference to me. Having copied the poem into word and formatted it to match your description, I can't honestly say that the change enhanced my experience of the poem. Although I don't think it lessened it either...perhaps I am simply biased by having read it in one format first?

I honestly don't have anything negative to say about the piece, and I apologize for the one-sidedness of this review, but I really do think your poem is beautiful, and I don't see much of anything to criticize.

I can't even find the words for how much I loved this. Just... wow.

That was lovely. I'm terrible at poetry and love it when I can read some quality stuff! Good stuff, good stuff.

"Cocooned by plaster." Vivid imagery! Chilling! Creepy! Wow! :)

"Sunstrokes in the window." BEAUTIFUL.