|Reviews for Organized Chaos|
| Highway Unicorn 11/25/12 . chapter 1
I like where this plot is heading. Natara seems like a well written out character with a strong voice/emotion to her, which makes her likable and relatable. I think it's nice to see a character show this type of emotion towards a situation where she is forced to wed; it promises a good dramatic read.
I also like the brief back history that was mention, with Lucien and how she had to step up to raise the siblings. It shows her stronger side, and it also hints that those factors may pop up agian in the future.
I think my favorite part was "Papa can go to hell." It was a good twist that I didn't see coming based on the first sentence. :D
| Vivace.Assai 6/21/12 . chapter 1
Sorry for the late review return. I've been busy this week.
This story does have an interesting premise, though there are so many different versions following the same premise that I'm not exactly sure how you can make this story different than what I've heard. But I'm open and maybe with the right creativity, you can out an imaginative spin on everything. I don't know. It's too early to tell.
But anyways, you've immediately jumped into Natara's character rather nicely. Even with the simplistic dialogue, you've gotten her e options and feelings really clear to the readers. This suggests that she might become a sympathetic character in later chapters allowing for more interest readers. As of now, I don't really feel that much for her. I pity her situation but the problem is, I hardly know her yet. She's a stranger to me, so I feel sadness for her arranged marriage as I feel for any arranged marriage but not on a personal scale. So her emotions do reach me but not quite as impactful as it could be.
Thanks for the author's note about the setting. It clarifies everything a lot more, but the only problem is that I'm not sure if it is a good idea to have to rely on notes to explain thing. You can't explain the setting or any confusion to the readers when you publish a novel. It would be better to integrate that setting into the narration, since a novel should have the exposition with the setting. But that is just a suggestion.
Thanks for the interesting read,
| professional griefer 6/19/12 . chapter 1
This confused me the tiniest bit. First of all, what time period is it? Is it our world? You give some indication that it's the past from the arranged marriage, but she speaks a bit like someone modern.
You don't explain a whole lot in general, and that bothered me. It's so short, I think you should have taken the time to expand this a bit more.
I like your narrative style and how you introduce the conflict straight up, that made it interesting. She seems a bit bland so far, though, you might want to work on her character.
The details were adequate, I could vaguely picture everything.
It was nice, just too short to tell much else.
| OneOriginalThing 6/19/12 . chapter 1
I liked this chapter because it's rich in a way. Your charector comes to life, you can see her internal conflict and in a way i can tell she's still young because she doesn't entirely understand wether her sister is lucky to never have known their mother there-for not miss her or unlicky because she never got to see her father's good side. I also like how she talks about how her last name has that ring to it now, and it won't once she get's married. It helps the audience see that she's still young, and innocent i suppose. I dislike that i can't picture the setting in my head. And it's hard for me to understand if this is something that happens very ofton. or this is something new. WHat time period is this in? What ethnicity are these people? All these questions usually should be answered in the first chapter. But overall awsome job. it was short and to the point. it'll keep people hooked longer.
| Guest 6/18/12 . chapter 15
I love this story! Very well written. I also love the dynamic between Natara and her husband. It will be interesting to see if they fall in love. I understand Natara's feelings but I hope that she will finally give her husband a break even though I do not like the fact that he sees her as his possession. Madison is such a sweetheart I hope that she finds love. Also finally the fight between Natara and Madison was so hilarious lollll. You made it even funnier because of the way you told it lol.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 6/17/12 . chapter 3
Prose is a little dense and wordy. Maybe that's just a stylistic thing. I'm not sure; I kinda think it makes it hard to read.
I love the lines "It's just that today I did not lose my virginity. It was taken from me." In fact, I think setting them out of the paragraph would help bring more attention to them, since it's such a profound thought.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 6/17/12 . chapter 2
I like the introduction of Lucien's point of view-very insightful.
I wish there was more development in this chapter, really. It develops the relationship between the characters, but not the conflict, and there isn't much in the way of plot. Maybe add some more scenes?
And the paragraphs are really intimidating in Lucien's POV, LOL. Most people are too lazy to read through them when they're that long.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny 6/17/12 . chapter 1
I love this as an opening chapter. The pacing is good, and it gives a lot of good information without dumping it. It establishes the conflict well too.
I think some of the paragraphs are a little long, and so some of the sentences loose impact. That's just my feeling.
| TinfoilKnight 6/16/12 . chapter 1
Nice chapter! I like that you introduce the main conflict right away. I already like the main character, you did a good job of characterizing her. Her voice is my favorite part about this scene - it sounds like a seventeen year old, yet it's not so casual it's annoying. And the part about wanting to cuddle with Lucien is sweet, and it makes me like her even more. :3
So far I'm excited to read more, and I can't find anything wrong with this chapter. :) See you around the RG?
| Whirlymerle 6/15/12 . chapter 14
Hi from the review game!
[He carried with him the same burden as I.] small grammar mistake—you're comparing "burden" to "I" here. Should be something along the lines of "the same burden as I did"
So I jumped to your latest chapter and don't have all the background. However, I like the character of Natara a lot just from this. I think you gave her depth by showing that while she's trying to appease her husband, there's a more flippant side of her, like when she says "I do so like to get my way."
I like the scene between Madison and Marcus. Even though they seem to be near strangers, I like how they gradually grew more familiar as they talked and you ended on a very tender note.
| this wild abyss 6/13/12 . chapter 1
So right away I'm really curious as to the setting. From Natara's diction I get the sense that this takes place in the 21st century or thereabouts. However, she's being forced to marry a man she's never met. That is definitely a little abnormal for most modern Western societies, especially since she's only 17. If this takes place in the East, that's a little more understandable, but since you never established that, your entire premise, for me, is pushing credibility. I mean, since her new last name is Williams it sounds like she's in a Western country, and I don't really feel like it's legal in a lost of first world countries to force your seventeen year old daughter to marry someone. So yeah, I'm not exactly buying this. To make this more believable I'm going to need more information—there are times when being vague doesn't work well.
I also wasn't a fan of how Natara broke the fourth wall constantly. I don't like it when a novel's narrator addresses me like one of her girlfriends at the day spa. It's a technical aspect of a plot that doesn't tend to work very and even if it does, too much can get old. And for me, having Natara talk to the reader was a bad choice.
And in general, I'm not sure that I can like Natara as a character. She obviously doesn't seem to want to marry this person, but she's allowing her family to pressure her into it. To me, that speaks of a girl with no backbone. I mean, it's all well and fine that she wants the best for her family, but there is a time when you have to preserve your own happiness. Just bending over at 17 and throwing your life away hardly makes me like her as a main character.
As far as plot, I'm not sure where you can take this. I see two options. First, Natara ditches her husband and does her own thing. Second, Natara realizes how great her husband is and stays with him. I really dearly hope it's not the second.
| seredemia 6/4/12 . chapter 1
This was a great start so far! I really like how you revealed quite a bit about the main character, but not too much. You can tell the main character isn't that fond of their father, but there's still that mystery as to why. It's a short prologue, but it really grabbed my attention. I found nothing wrong with it in terms of grammar, so YAY Definitely a promising start! :)
| Small Wings Flying 6/1/12 . chapter 6
I certainly like the interaction between the two women. A quirky and sly mix to be sure. The servants and such make it old-style and yet the banter exchanged seems relatable. Switching bowls, getting rivals/enemies/whatever into trouble.
I don't particularly like how you've changed POVs without any sort of indication or divider. It led to quite a bit of confusion on my part, especially since the blocks of text near the end were rather long (like I'm one to talk :) but still. You've got a few themes buried into the same paragraph, and that can easily be spread out and thus made more sensible. In any case, switching the POVs so rapidly, I feel, isn't so effective, especially when we have to work to figure out who's actually doing the narrating where. It might have worked better if you split it up into two separate paragraphs and fleshed the substance out a little more.
| Small Wings Flying 5/28/12 . chapter 5
Now here's a plot point and a hint of jealousy as well. I like the account, but as I said with Ch1, it's rather short, and thus invariably shallow in narration.
"Then she comes," - I'd italicise the "she" to make it more effective. The way she says it, this she could be just fading into the shadows, but you contradict that in the same sentence. As it is, the last sentence spells a sense of jealousy, so it can't be entirely emotionless. I think you've rather lost the bitterness you had at the beginning with this particular chapter.
"She would do well to smile instead" - that's a very interesting sentence, considering it comes from a potential "rival".
| Small Wings Flying 5/28/12 . chapter 4
The but in your first sentence seems rather out of place.
Considering this is a narrative voice telling of the situation, there's no need to write it as a flashback. In fact, it's counterproductive. We, as readers, get a lot less out of it than we should. It's better to just tell with the flow of narration.
You're differing between formal and informal tones as well. I think formal might work better, as the narrator seems a little...well, empty for lack of a better word. The use of the apostrophes creates more of a punching effect, and while subtle, you're doing it somewhat less often than formal but often enough to be noticed. Try to keep it consistent.