Well that was a pretty good chapter there, I liked the dialogue and what not and I'm glad they found the pups. Kinto was being a bit stupid in this one, even though he is angry there is no need to lose his temper. I hope Jin does whatever he needs to do to get back to the real world.

I'm not all too sure why its such a big deal for Kinto to know unlocking magic, but well I'm sure I'll find out. Great chapter and the mistakes in this one were few and scattered much better on that. Well moving on, I think 19 is too young for Sierra I'd say 23 or 24 maybe,t hat seems ideal.

Well continuing now, Blazn.

Haha! Medina called Jin handsome! For some reason, I love it when main characters get loved by random girls. It's like harem! (Only there's only Medina in Jin's harem... Maybe Midlothian as well... :D).

Hehe. I love it when Rosa and Jin talk. It's like he's so naive and he doesn't know he annoys her... Well, I get that feeling anyway. Or maybe it's cos Rosa gets annoyed so easily... I loved it when Jin said that it just had to happen to him... I do question his luck. It's amazing how a simple job can lead him into such chaos... Oh well. And I can see why Rosa hates her royal life. The idea of being a princess does sound very... trapped. And arranged marriages suck.

Corpse is badass! He's a great villain!

Hey, Aspiemor. :)

I quite liked this prologue. I think that it read very well and simply, like a children's story, all most. :P I thought that the connections you made as to how things happened, and the three races of people existing, until a war happened, was very clever. :)

I couldn't find anything to correct in this chapter, so good job on that! :)

I'm excited to see where this story is going to go... :)

Avid, via the Roadhouse. :)

As usual, the plot of this is really good - you manage to keep the reader interested throughout and eager to find out what happens to them next. The different characters interact really well, and I love the rivalery between Midlo and Medina, it's kind of sweet. Though you do repeat the same thing a few times (like Midlo being on Jin's shoulder etc). I think you just need to sort out some of the grammer and sentence structures, really.

This story reminds me of one of those rpg games with those ginat boss monsters that you have to fight all the time... I love rpg games... But seriosly, a friggin giant SNAIL? I have a phobia of slugs and snails, so if this happened to me in real life, I think it's safe to say that I will just run off, bursting into frantic tears... Giant snail... ugh. I really felt for Jin's gang then. Having to fight something like that. I loved how you wrote the fighting scene though! Very engaging and tense, loved it!

Gosh, I love Puck... "Aw come on I wanna fight too!" Hehe, silly Puck...

"I just haven't driven these much…at all…ever."

- Haha, Rosa cracks me up sometimes... I loved it when Midlo tried to attach Rosa! That was hilarious! Wow, Midlo's got some attitude! I want a weasel - no, sorry, FERRET like that.

Hehe, I love Jin and Rosa... They argue alot, but hell, it's damn amusing. I agree with Jin too that Rosa flips between moods fast...She has such weird mood swings...

Okay... those vines are lethal... Weird, but lethal. Nice description on the part where Jin was battling those vines. You wrote that out very clearly. There were few typos, but I don't really care much about things like those :P

You did a real good job just to let you know.

Nice chapter! I really enjoyed it. Gorth is a great character, he made me laugh. You kept the pace up well, and there was quite a lot going on which was good. I love that they left Riler on the island, I really do not like that guy.

Having Puck, Medina and Med working together was a really good idea; it was kind of sweet, in a way. For some reason, they remind me of Donkey,Puss and the Dragon in Shrek :P Even though I know they're (except Medina) are compeltly different animals.

Only thing I'd suggest is maybe vary the sentences a bit; try to cut down on 'said' when someone is speaking.

I am LOVING the whole Rosa and Jin relationship going ahead! I mean, Rosa's not your typical weak princess who always manages to bring herself into trouble. I love how she has an attitude and how she can take care of herself. I think her and Jin are kind of opposites in a way, but I love them :3.

Somehow, I wouldn't trust Rosa to drive... Hopefully, they dont crash... Fingers crossed :S

Wow. Lilith and Eve? From the bible? I love it when stories have names/characters from the bible. I'm not very religious, but I just like the whole adam and eve thing :P. I like how you named your vixens Lilith and Eve. For some reason, I don't think they'll be one of the good guys... I don't know... Eve and Lilith aruge a lot, don't they..? They're like children...

Aahaha... I find it amusing that Jin hates bugs and yet he has a pet ferret... I know its not the same, but surely, ferrets are more dangerous than bugs... I think.

Rosa is an interesting character, and the chapter was pretty good, too. The ending was better than your others. But, as I've said before, you really need to fix up your writing; it's pretty mistake-ridden. Might I suggest a Beta?

Interesting chapter, though I did feel that it was a little bit long, considering the content you wrote. Your grammar was not up to snuff, and I really do suggest that you edit this again. I'm okay with a few errors, but there were so many mistakes that I was beyond distracted.

I'm glad to see that more happened in this chapter. It was more exciting and I was less likely to get distracted, which is always a plus. One error I'm going to point out is the way you write dialogue. It's not correct extremly annoying. I suggest you go back and fix the way you write it.

Hm...

All right, I'll take about bad things first. Your sentences were a little choppy, and I felt that you could have conntected some of them to make longer sentences. Also, when introducing a new character, it's never a good idea to describe every aspect of their features and clothing at one time. This falls under the 'show not tell' category.

I like how you've introduced new species to this, though I feel that there could be a little more information about them. Your plot seems original and iteresting so far, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Well, to be honest after seeing through this story, my opinion will be that instead of creating a rewrite, you should just do a sequel from here. To be honest what you've done isn't an open ended epilogue. It's definitely only a temporary resting point from every angle of story writing. Of course you might need to take a break just to charge your creative battery back up. Heck in fact, if you want to, I can give you some plot pointers just to get you started. With that being said though, be warned that I'm not a god in writing within the creative aspect. But definitely I'll try. Already by this point of time, I've got a wee bit of idea on a potential new character related to Karn's past. I'm serious ffs. Don't laugh!

Anyway, I think that no matter what, there's some areas that you can definitely improve on. Firstly, you can actually try to create more scenarios on Jin and Rosa's thoughts on each other. Secondly will be Karn's character. I can definitely foresee some kind of guilt-redemption kinda story for him. Sierra and Kinto would be a ditto case just like Jin and Rosa. Medina, well have you ever thought about the concept of dragons shapeshifting within the context of their race? It would be interesting if that glutton dragon can actually shapeshift into a curvy hottie one way or another. Ironic humour won't be nowhere as fun like this one. :D And yeah, Yen. Good old Yen. How can I forget him? I can actually imagine some kind of friendship gone wrong kind of stuff for his wrangling with Kinto. Puck, well maybe you can do a new character, who has a similar character, but yet being able to be an effective foil for him. Female one will be even better because that cat really needs to get laid lol! :D Also on Jin's teacher, why not create her along the line of Izumi Curtis aka Edward and Alphonse Elrics' teacher in the first Full Metal Alchemist anime? Your own version of Hohenheim from the same series can help as well via some kind of know all old dude with ambiguous agenda.

In fact what I've stated are only a few possibilities. All in all, I truly hope you can carry on the plot from here. And I know you'll feel that I'm shitting on you in some way on what I'm gonna say next, but honestly if I can get a chance of recommending a story to publish in manga/RPG format just like what I'm dreaming for my works as well, this story will be the first in my mind. Of course this is just a dream of mine, but hey, life's full of unpredictable shizzle, so who knows? ;)

Anyway, good job here. Too bad chances are that the rewrite or what-not won't be in this site. But, this is the great BUT, in the event where you decide to do a U turn on this decision, please let me know. I'll be pleasured to see what you can do from here. ;)