   no.peace.los.angeles 2009-05-01 . chapter 1I love the beginning of this one. It gets a bit sappy at the end. And a bit abstract. I loved all the images in the first two stanzas, though - the boxers in the first few lines reminded of the album The Forgotten Arm by Aimee Mann, which is based off a prizefighter's life. Pretty cool. Of course, I'm a big fan of hers, anyway. And then the religious imagery of Noah and then God and his watch - just brilliant. I also loved the idea of a star being "screwed into the night." Gorgeous. But it really is quite the lovely piece. Keep writing! :) |
 Isca 2009-05-01 . chapter 1E.B.,
"Fell like a sad Samson" and "Even before Paris ever misplaced his elegiac foot in Troy's dusty streets" were nice allusions. I especially liked the latter--Paris shouldn't have stolen Helen from Menelaus' house :P.
"Reeking menagerie." Ahaha! I've never thought about that before. Poor Noah must have been half-sick of all those animals and their smells.
"When God first thought to wind up His watch." A lovely description of the Creationg of Time.
"When those astonished angels gazed in wonder on the face of the Deep." Beautiful imagery! Fascinating tone!
"Before the very first star was screwed into the night." That's an interesting way of describing the Birth of Stars--mechanical diction! Cool!
"And miscellany other patriots, just as I love you right now, today, this very instant." Lovely. Well-written. I like that there's such a sense of eternal love here--love in all moments of past, present, and future. :)
"All those descendants who won't think of us at all." I often think about this, you know. There must be so many wonderful people and stories that have been long-forgotten.
"This love is destined to go on and on without conlusion or death." Powerful ending! "It's an ever-fixed mark." :)
I daresay I liked this poem, can you tell? :P It was unique, flowed well, and was a touch loopy/stream-of-consciousness (which I liked).
Best,
-Isca |
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