I fav-ed this a long time ago, but i just wanted to mention how MUCH i enjoyed this story! i'm a sucker for sci-fi stuff and you don't see too much good ones around.

i loved that you've made lysa such a strong heroine to the story, and how there's just a tad of romance at the end, enough to give us all hope that everything will turn out to be alright. also, it was def. interesting how you portrayed time traveling as almost a talent- i never thought of it like that.

Okay, first, sorry for the delay associated with my review. Second- you've been to Vermillion, really?! That's awesome! I go to school in Verm, my hometown is only twenty minutes away, and The Black Hills rock!

And now the delayed review that should have been yesterday:

Okay first, I really like how immersed you are in this world, it's amazing because you really act like you know everything about the times, I found the insertion of the Avian flu and typhoid great details. The immersion with your characters is a great start too, you make them relatable in a times we can't really relate to. Juxtaposing the unknown future and past with the known, such as structured education, is a great way to ground the reader.

As far as grammar, I noticed nothing, but then again I'm not the best with that. I found it easy to follow because of your syntax, your sentence structure flows easy too, it's very traditional but there weren't hardly any awkward sentences. I enjoyed how you focused on the hardships of shifting time too, that would totally suck, and Lysa seems the perfect candidate for such a challenge.

Off topic of the review game again, but I'm totally taking a class on Women In Russia, and thought the beginning part with the Russians was bad-a, haha, especially Natalya.

I love your story. The descriptions are excellent and have you wanting more. You're a fab writer. Looking forward to reading more of your work =)Good job overall.

Really interesting story. It’s so cool to see how Lysa becomes independent. I also love how at the start people basically think she is useless and then at the end she becomes one of the heads of the rebellion. Do you think you will write anymore about Lysa?

A beautiful story. First off, I like the main character Lysandra. The way you described her was realistic - she can travel through time, but has her flaws. I like the friendship between her and Maxine, and even the romance between her and Alexei. You didn't overdo it in describing him kidnapping and chaining, since he has reasons behind his actions.

I'm a sucker for time travel stories, and it's hard for me to find good ones, either on this site or officially published. In my opinion, this is one of the best ones I've read in the sub genre. You managed to have Time as a significance in this story, rather than just some cheap plot device thrown in for kicks. Very impressive.

Overall, this is well written. It's sad, captivating, and memorable. I wish I could say more, but honestly, there's not much for me to critique on. Great job! :D

If there's a suggestion/criticism that you disagree with, you have the right as the writer of this story to not go with it.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

Part I: The Runaway:

{Anker, her eldest cousin and a lieutenant colonol, approached her first.} I could be wrong, but I think "colonol" should be "colonel."

{But the room became quickly surrounded and Lysa realized there was no where to run.} I think "no where" should be "nowhere."

{She screamed when she noticed heavy-set man creeping up behind her, but he cut the distance between them and hit his gun against her head.} I believe "a" should be between "noticed" and "heavy-set."

{She was such a spoiled brat.} This could be dropped. You can leave it, but the sentence before it shows this.

{She tried to hold the needle but her left hand was shaking uncontrollably, probably because of the blood loss.} I believe there should be a comma after "needle."

{Her left hand was shaking badly but she managed to close herself in and then tied the straps around her torso.} A comma after "badly."

{She had lead them here, she realized, her heart sinking.} I think "lead" should be "led."

{Lysa groaned; this wasn't nearly as easy as a daytrip with trained professionals monitering her.} Even though "monitering" could be correct, it still feels like it could be "monitoring."

{"Say, have there been any cases of typhoid lately? Do you think the water is safe to drink?" Lysa asked, trying to keep her voice casual though her heart pounding with concern.} I believe "was" should be between "heart" and "pounding."

{Lysa wasn't particularly sporty but she enjoyed running, and she kept up this habit by joining the school's track-and-field team.} A comma after "sporty."

Part II: The Traitor:

{She was not a prisoner, and she would not be captured and controlled, not by Time and certainly not by this upstart Russian.} I believe there should be a comma after "Time." I like how Time is capitalized - good personification.

{He lead her into the parking lot and made her take a seat next to him.} "lead" should be "led."

{She felt queasy but took deep breaths to try and ignore the sick feeling in her stomach.} A comma after "queasy."

{It was dark, but his voice sounded giddy and Lysa imagined he was smiling.} A comma after "giddy."

{He hadn't even seen it coming.} You can leave it, but the previous sentence, and even what the says before it happened, shows this.

{She hesitated for a moment and then approached him, gently picking off the glass shards near his face and noting with some dismay that he would be needing stitches.} A comma after "his face."

{Strapping herself into the Machine, she turned the dial carelessly, not worrying about where she ended up so long as she was sufficiently in the future and out of Alexei's reach.} I believe there should be a comma after "ended up."

{No doubt they had plenty of time to build up stores medicines, but they hadn't.} "stores medicines" confused me. Maybe there should be a "of" or "for" between the words? (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

{Alexei undid her seat-belt and held her under her shoulders, supporting her as he lead her towards the entrance.} "lead" should be "led."

{She was too tired to notice much of what was going on, but he explained that she had helped him build the labs along with their own version of the vaccine, so that the Empire wouldn't have a monopoly on it.} I believe there should be a comma after "the labs."

{It wasn't that she trusted him completely or that she knew how to feel about her father, but she no longer felt trapped by her own fate.} A comma after "completely."

{He lead her to the Machine, handing her a small paper bag full of drugs and supplies she would need to treat herself.} "lead" should be "led."

This still is so fantastic. :D I'm in love with this story, and thank you so much for sharing this piece of genius with the fiction press community. :)

yeah, the end result doesn't exactly show what happens. but I love this. especially since we already know that she ends up confronting her father. great writing. I like Lysandra, who's a good person, and how her eyes are opened to the reality, and her time travel ability and smartness. I like Alexei, too. What a weird way to have a romance. great writing.

loved it. I think you should keep going.

Hey, Writ!

You know those stories that you never want to end? Yeah, this is one of them. I read the first version, but I don't know if I reviewed or not. It might've been one of those late nights where I couldn't think clearly, or I might've been at school and unable to. Either way, both versions rocked my socks! :) This one's just fleshed out a little more.

Aw, now I want to see them succeed in taking down the Empire. Still, though, it's good where it ends--makes it more open, and now I'll have something to daydream about during Evolution when my professor drones on and on (for two hours, too! Yikes!)

I knew that Alexei liked her. And Lysa's so going to totally dethrone her father. The jerk didn't even let her see his throne room? How horrible is he?

Good to see you're back and writing! I need to jump on the wagon again. I'm guilty of spending my free time playing a game we just bought--Final Fantasy Dissidia. It gets pretty addicting. So, how was your trip? Did you do anything fun and exciting?

~RFnRO

...D: Oh my freaking god. You HAVE to finish this story.

I mean.

Oh my god.

by the way it's wondergirl_dv from livejournal, just so you know and...let me breathe for a second.


Okay. Words cannot express how much I love Lysa and Alexei. I really want to see their story played out in full. Also if you have ever watched the futurama movie bender's big score which plays around with time travel A LOT and sort of does what you did which is that time goes in a circular manner and that you can go back to cause another event in the future. Yes. Time travel is always hard to figure out and i had to stop in the middle of the story to make sense of what was going on haha. Still...I whole heartedly encourage you to stretch this out and finish it.

Col! Dude, you are really good at sci-fi. Leave us wondering a little. Leave us a little confused on just what exactly everything is. You should write more like this!

Interesting concept. Could be developed more- especially at the ending.
In your Author's Note you said it was funny- but I don't see where.

I really enjoyed this story.

I've never been one for sci-fi and I'm certainly no connoisseur on time travel stories but if I were ever to pretend to be, I would have to say this story is top notch. I like that it wasn't stuffed with futuristic terms that I couldn't begin to understand or physics terms (I cringe) that I never want to remember.

This might not be the way you meant it, but when reading this I imagined a sort of world where the streets look like present day London except the cars are ten times faster and you have to do retinal scanning to get into most private homes. I hope you don't mind.

I really loved all of your characters, especially Lysandra. She puts herself down a few times throughout the story but I think she's kind of fierce. Alexei seems perfect. I loved when she was screaming to the heavens about being an idiot and he wrapped his arms around her and agreed. I'm a little sad that this is complete but I like where you left it. Leaves something to the imagination.

I really enjoyed this story! You have a fabulous hook, a temporally complex, engaging plot. Your writing flows very well - great detail! There's so much plot here that you could definitely have turned this into a much longer story, but it's so easy to follow that it works well as a short story too. I enjoyed the irony of Lysandra catching the disease she had studied for so long, and the romance, which you handled well. You have a great ending; I actually love that it ends where it does, and that it doesn't end with Lysandra freeing her world. (I like being left in doubt a little). It feels right, it feels perfect. Good job.

I feel like you could introduce the idea of time travel just a little earlier. Your world is fairly credible - it could be our world - until you introduce the virus and time travel, which are clearly not of our world. I think if there was a way to insert a mention of either one of these closer to the beginning, it would make it clearer what kind of story this was right away. It's one of the things my fic prof taught us: if you throw everything unbelievable into the story right up front, and people will accept it, but if you have your main character turn into a parrot ten pages in, they'll go wtf? Really, it's not so bad in Liberation Girl, and probably barely even worth mention.

I also wanted a bit more description of the Machine, I think. Since it sounds very cool. :)

Overall, a beautiful, fantastic piece. Excellent job!

So you already know how much I love this, but I'm going to tell you in a review anyway. It's also for the Review Game, which is sort of a plus.

ANYWAY. I think what I'm reading is the edited version, right? Because I don't remember Lysa's hand being so effed up in the original. I actually really like that detail. It makes the story seem more realistic, you know, like Lysa actually got an injury from what happened to her. (Although I'm not sure how realistic you can be in a story about time travel, but whatevs)

I also think you fixed the problem I had with the Machine--Lysa just turns the dial blindly and it dumps her places. And Maxine is still totally one of my favorite characters.

I also just ADORE Alexei. That last scene with them really makes me melt inside, because seriously, all guys should be like that. It's just so perfect. HE'S SO PERFECT. haha

Hmm, anything else I can mention? I feel like if I tried this review would just turn into the biggest gush to exist. Basically I LOVE THIS SO MUCH, and I love what you've done with the edited version too!