Takuya's interesting...=) I love it; I love how you make the characters interact, and the mysterious girl got me curious. Maybe I should read the next chapters =)

Ahhouh! So dramatic lah! I’ve heard of stories with, like, ghosts having relationships with peoples but this puts a coolio little twisty on the trite idea! –highfives- Woohoo! –shwoon-

The whole thingy with the house full of brothers made me giggle, they are just so cute!X3 With the ‘no smoking’ thing and the ‘dinner’ bit? Ack!x3 The normality was killin’ me, man! Just. So. Cute. (Seki is one of my favorite!)

Okay, now to the little thingys that I noticed! There were just a few tiny bits, you know!;D Okie okie, uhmn, you like to put ‘semi’ in front of broad words like ‘fear’ and I think that if you feel the need to put ‘semi’ in front of it then you haven’t found the correct word to describe whatever it is that you need. That or you aren’t sitting well with the correct word connected with the character that you’re describing? I’m not sure because I’m basing this analysis on my past need to put ‘slightly’ in front of everything!xD;

Related to the point made above, you also tend to put ‘a little bit’ or ‘a bit’ in front of reactions or emotions and those also apply to the comments above too!:3

Uhmn, also, it didn’t come up in this chapter much, but in perhaps previous chapters you put ‘like’ in front of certain words too!x3;; Meow. So, I’m not sure if you’re supposed to put a hyphen in between those things, but I thought that it looked a little funky…

Ahh! I can’t remember what else there was that I noticed and therefore whatever it was wasn’t important! I really like where this story is going- mostly because of Dante’s little death sceney! –fan squeal- Oh! He’s my favoritest of all! The bit where he said ‘master’ in little pieces? Oh my goodness! –fans self- I read that, like, three times! BRILLIANT! Keep working hard! I believe in you! –HEARTCLING-

-Alshmee

There were a whole lot of missing commas (ex. ("'Oh course[,] Ryu-kun.'") ("'To answer your question[,] Kiyoto...'")), a few typos (ex. ("Tatsuru and Ryu looked at the three with widen[widened] eyes...") ("'He’s[He] turns into a ghost spirit...'") ("... asked Seki in[with?] a teacher like attitude.")), and some mistakes in tense (ex. ("[H]e looks[looked] down to see the young male sleeping soundly and smiles[smiled] softly.")). “Outside” is one word ("Out side[outside] of Colette’s house...") and remember how to format dialogue (ex. ("'A spirit[,] Takuya? How the heck is Dante a spirit[,] dude? We can see him[,]” [a]sked Kiyoto with a skeptical look on his face.")). One sentence had three complete thoughts ("Dante looked down to think it over, Kiyoto turned and walked back to the couch to sit next to Tatsuru, Dante looked up and answered...") and so I believe the commas should be semicolons. There was also a missing word ("'... you should’ve been able to find at least [one] of them.'"). A number of times the wording was off and took a while to figure out and it was rather difficult to keep track of all the characters. At this point I’m not entirely sure what would make it easier to follow the whole cast but I think if the grammar and whatnot was cleaned up that alone would do something to help and would in turn make it easier to address the matter.

Aside from that, I really think that there needs to be more character thought. There’s a lot of emphasis on action and I think it’s resulted in that it’s difficult to really connect or grow attached to the characters that have less expressive actions. Dante, who /does/ have very expressive or revealing actions, is exempt from this because his quirky nature sticks out. But for the rest of them, they blend together. To give an example:

("She used her right hand to quietly close the front door before she started to walk away from the house in silence with her left hand in her jean pocket. Her eyes looked down at the ground with curiosity and focus. She walked through the path to where the largest tree was set in the middle of the forest area. Her eyes looked up at the tree as it shined its leaves with pride from the full moon. She continued walking to the tree and took a seat underneath it. She took out a small glass and a wine bottle filled with rose strawberry wine and placed it in front of her. She twisted the wine cap and opened it to pour it into the glass. Her right hand took out a small blade from her bag and placed it near the wine glass. The girl closed her eyes and spoke in a whisper")

This entire paragraph is all about the girl’s actions and it got repetitive rather quickly. Character thoughts would do well to make it less repetitive as well as answer certain questions that would characterize her better. (i.e. What is she doing? How does she know how to do it? Why is she doing it? Etc. etc.)

Quite a lot of the chapter I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on but it reaffirmed Dante’s interesting character and I’ve grown to like him all the more. He’s really very sweet and seemingly quite naïve. I also saw some pretty intense foreshadowing come from that dream and so now I’m wondering precisely what’s going to happen in the future and who may or may not be trustable. I’m still not sure how what’s going on at Colette’s house connects to the boys but I’m sure that time will bring answers and I am sure anticipating them. Though, now I wonder, what will happen in the story now that Dante can no longer be seen until the next full moon. –shrugs- Until the next chapter, then! Update soon! 8D

Your profile asks for an honest review, so here goes. First off, the positives: your characters are fantastic, I felt at home with them right away and you made them reasonably alive. Also, your descriptions are really good, and if built on would set the scene fantastically. Now, some things to improve on: there are a few tense and grammar issues some a thorough edit would sort that out. Also, a bit more description e.g on dialogue, just so we can picture the scenes better. Overall this was a promising start, and the ending was really good - a hook to read on. I promise to read more when I have time but I have lots of work at the moment. Encouraging start, and a good chapter :) ~ Luke

Not only is the story interesting, but it's also written with a completely different approach to literature. in a way i had never seen before.

This story brings the characters to life in such a way, words aren't enough to describe.

I definately recommend this story to anyone who appreciates literature.

The most important thing is to watch your tense since numerous times (ex. ("... and the light bluish-white icicles sharply hanging[sharply hung] on the walls and rocks.") ("... heard the elevator’s gate starting[start] to close and begin[began] to make the elevator lower down.")("His ears twitch[ed] a little...")) it changed from past to present. In the sentence ("Takemaru took a couple of steps after walking through the light purple curtain."), I suggest that “took a couple of steps” be altered to read more like “took a couple more steps” since “walking” already indicates that steps are being taken. Always begin a new paragraph when a new character speaks or the focus just shifts from one character to another. Here, oftentimes the quote is in the same paragraph as the character its being spoken to rather than the character that’s speaking. This can easily lead to confusion and I suggest fixing it as soon as possible. There was one typo ("He wore a dark silver [tank] top...") and an unnecessary word ("’I only told him because he has the ability to help me--out--figure it out...’"). There was one point ("... as they stared into each other’s eyes sexually.") where the diction should be changed from “sexually” to “lustfully” since “sexually” tends to refer to movement rather than feeling. Sort of related to that, I also want to suggest being wary towards repetition since certain words (“sexually” being the big one) were used quite a bit and can easily be replaced by synonyms to give variation. Speaking of variation, remember to vary swears since it’s far more natural, unless a person is evidently younger and new to the concept, to spit out a number of words rather than constantly repeat one or two. Continuing on that, I also want to put forth the notion to cut back on some of it. Having a dirty-mouthed character myself, I understand that cutting back even a little may be difficult but, when it comes to cursing, a little bit goes a long way and it’s an element you don’t want your audience to become too immune to too soon. The only other thing I want to mention is that I think it would help this piece a bunch if there were more character thoughts worked in-between all the actions.

Now, congratulations on achieving such length! This was certainly a well-sized chapter and entertaining to boot! Before I go off about the deliciousness of the boys, I want to say that Colette and Kit-chan are just adorable and, although I’ve only seen so little of them, I enjoy them each and every second they’re starring. Moving on to the longer portion of the chapter, I just love the name Ryu (actually have a protagonist named Ryou XD) and the character is so interesting with his little habit of pulling out a cigarette and getting everyone all **. I find the anti-smoking message to be presented in a way quite comical and can so clearly see it all unravel as though it were already animated. As with the first chapter, Dante makes me fangirl and I just love his mask. Takuya’s awful easy to please, isn’t he? XD In that sense, along with the fact he’s so willing to just surrender, he reminds me of my Neko-boy and it’s so hard not to just laugh out loud. I just realized that all these male characters are like a wonderful shonen ai harem since I picked up on some tantalizing BL undertones between the brothers. The chapter was just chockfull of reasons to squeal over the interactions between all these beautiful boys and the more yaoi-like scene just made me want to write so bad! The ending was well executed and I’m eager for more as I expect to be learning some interesting details about Dante. I’m also curious as to how the “harem”, the adorable Colette, and Takemaru all come together. Of course, only time will tell, right? 8]

By the way: Oh my gosh! O//O Thank you so-so much for the mention! I’m so honored to be included! X3 -hug-
By-by the way: I’ll have to keep my eye out for Vampire Symphony. n_n

Interesting chapter you have here. Sorry if I'm not up to catching mistakes right now, but I'm really sick and trying to catch up on stories that have already been updated.

Thank you for the recommendation, I appreciate it. I haven't updated Romancing Lucifer yet but I intend to, and if you want, be sure to check out Shattered Illusions. It's a vampire story of mine that's quite original.

I definitely hope that you update soon. Look forward to reading more from you.

To the beginning there were some contradicting adjectives ("He had slender yet somewhat chubby face...") and a typo ("... also wore a blue vest and a black t-shirt with black flame marking[s]..."). Also, there were some issues with tense (ex. ("He then answer[ed] in a mature, semi deep voice...") ("... he let go of Takuya’s hair and walk[ed] back to their home.") ("In another area, know[n] as Sora Town...") ("'It’s save[safe] to come out now'")). When ("He cleared his voice...") I’m pretty sure that you meant to say that he cleared his “throat”. Mind those confusing words such as “it’s” and “its” ("It’s breathing was getting faster..."), “to” and “too” ("'... we lost to many people thanks to the damned witch.'"), and “there” and “their” ("The light tan skin girl and the hooded man continued there way though the woods in silence."). Remember to start a new paragraph whenever a different character speaks and mind the formatting:

("'Then go home and ** eat Tatsuru, I’ll be back in a hour.' Takuya answered coldly.") should be ("'Then go home and ** eat Tatsuru, I’ll be back in a hour[,]’ Takuya answered coldly.")

To be honest, I’m very interested in this story. It was paced really well, the description was just right, and I absolutely love all of the characters that you introduced. Dante made me giggle and I’ve immediately fallen in love with the idea of him and Takuya. Colette has always been one of my most favorite names and the character Colette in this story is one that I’m surprised to say has grown on me rather quickly. The character interactions in this were believable and well executed. I love the sense of darkness that surrounded the entire chapter and I’m curious to see how everything ties in together. On top of all that, there was that maddening ending! Now I’ve got to know who this Takemaru guy is! Straight from the heart, I’m surprised that this story has only a single review when it’s so well written. As if it’s any surprise, this story is SO going on alert. 8]

This chapter was a little longer then your usual ones. I definitely like this story too. You actually have a lot of good works up here and I'm surprised that you don't have any reviews. I'll definitely give you some justice. Hope you update soon!