Some single-spaces would help define the clearly hinted at stanzas in this. (Hold shift while pressing enter or backspace to single-space up or down.) There were spots that could definitely be separated. And single-spaces would make that much easier. :)

I liked the alliteration you put into this. Little things like that made this seem more poetic. And it added a better rhythm, too.

-Peach/Kate, from the Review Marathon (link's in the profile!)

! OMG! YOU ARE SO GOOD!!