I like this concept a lot, but feel like it could have been executed at more of a slant, if you know what I mean. Like, instead of saying it right here out in the open, making it more of a literary device thing - metaphor, imagery, simile, symbolism, you name it. Just...making it more poetic. This feels a bit like a skeleton, and I've read your other stuff, you're an awesome poet. ;)

Good luck editing.

Jules

good. :)

Eats my spacing all the time.
Very good writing though. You're talented.