Personally, I consider this to be more prose than poetry. It flowed well, but when I read it, it felt more like a story sort of flow than a poetry flow. Maybe it was just the way it was set up, but that's the feeling I got.

Don't get me wrong, I liked this quite a bit. The descriptions used really helped to create a setting of despair and anxiety over the situation, and I really felt like I was a part of the happenings. Most of your word choices were fairly simple, and normally I'd say that's a bad thing, but it really worked for this piece.

Thanks for sharing.

-.kati