This was a rather interesting piece. Maybe it's just me, but the poem in general was hard to follow. The concept behind it was really nice though, and the imagery was amazing.

Good luck in the WCC!

Velvet.

I normally enjoy first person poetry. And on the whole, this was no exception. The imagery, the contrast of the purity of being "in the white" with the constant referrals to blood was nice. Unfortunately the structure seemed to let it down, free verse is never easy and it felt clunky. The random comma did nothing to help the rhythm of the piece and did more to disturb the flow.

The call and response technique here employed by the brackets worked well, though I felt the underlining of pure was a little awkward. Italicising would've probably worked better.

On the whole, enjoyable read and intriguing ideas. But the execution let you down.

Wing is crumpled

Bent over you

White as a shroud
^Favorite piece of imagery.

Loved the structure and how you pinned words in parentheses. Very nice poem! :}

I enjoyed the contrasting themes of color: (in the white/scarlet kiss/raindrops/sun/light/dark) it all worked very well together. Blood in the white/Never seeing the sun, just the blood - I liked the use of light in the dark, dark in the light. Well done.

The overall flow of your verse seemed a bit shaky to me, it felt like you could have added more. Gone further into depth with what was going on. For example: “Wing is crumpled/bent over you/white as a shroud,” although I liked how abstract that read, I feel like so much more could have been added. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
Juliet.

Nice ending! Usually parenthesis are annoying but I think you made good use of it here :)

I'd suggest instead of underlining you use italics (just cuz it's prettier to the eye). Otherwise, good job! My interpretation of this is someone fairly innocent exposed to evil. :p

Good luck in WCC!

Frac