It has a nice rhythm to it.

sad, man. i wish i could help but all i can is say things like, right on. good poem. very heartfelt.
i would suggest that if you really want to convince the girl, be specific. your poem, pretty, yes but you could technically say it to anyone (if you omitted the name in the end). if you say, i like the way your hair is kind of green after swim practice, or i miss feeling that rough fleece jacket on my neck when we make out (for example) it would make it personal for her, intimate, powerful. you know? god is in the details, they say, but i prefer: details are SEXY.
of course i have no real knowledge of your situation so ill just shut up. :) but good luck keep writing.

love, f.c. fire.