For some reason this jumped out at me: The first letters of the lines spell out "yay" twice. Kinda changed the mood when I read it. Lol. Sorry to point out something stupid like that.

Yikes! Okay, that was creepy! The shortness of it really put across that creepy feeling, and about how sudden death can be.

All of the lines just seemed to fit together perfectly, and that last line, being the longest, drew out the pain (if you can see what I mean) and finished it off nicely.

Great use of comparison. Plain and fluent and right to the point.

Scary. Very well written, I like how you have a "yet..." after each line. :)