that was a really enjoyable read.

the choppiness here was neccessary and the girl's twisted mind was realistic.

i thought the narrator was a kid of 5 or 6, never expected her to be a sophomore!

the ending was a nice touch to the story.

(reviewed for the freebie reviewing game)

A very interesting read I've read one story on MPD before, it was much longer but this was well done too. I liked the way you did the Italics in here, it lends something ratehr otherwordly to the story. Anyways good job. The jump to the funeral was a little sudden but no big deal. Good job.
D&S

Oh my goodness gracious. At first I didn't understand the whole "Bam. Bye-bye." part. And then it was like BAM to my own brain. I was hit! Pretty twisted, but it was good. I really liked how you wrote it. A lot of intrigue and the ending where she had shot everybody was most definitely mind blowing. Spectacular job!

Wow. This was really good. The ending was perfect. The whole "bye-bye" thing gave me shivers, and those song lyrics in the middle? Nice touch!

Good luck in the WCC. ^^

Well, what a horrifying little piece. You did an amazing job with it, though. At first I imagined that Selene had powers of some sort, but I suppose it was just a gun in the end.

Still, it was a nice sort of crazy and the end was a nice way to get me thinking. Nice work and best of wishes on WCC this month! :)

Velvet.

First of all: nicely done! I personally enjoyed this piece a lot. The part that hit home was definitely the way you gave Selene such a unique voice--the childishness of some of her thoughts contrasts well with the overall tone of the story.
If I may critique a little bit, I think some of the sections are a little too choppy. The power of the story is great, but when you get to a longer bit like when the secretary is talking, you should be careful not to sound too contrived.
The ending, where she goes 'bye bye' herself is brilliant, although I think the moral at the end dilutes it a bit.
Overall, this is a good read :) Good luck in the WCC!

Interesting ending, and I like the choppy style, but I don't care much for the lack of detail. Of course this is a stylistic choice, and my opinion only reflects my preference and not your ability to write. Maybe you should consider adding more detail to make the ending stronger?

that...was creepy. I loved it

-Your Crimson Sweetheart

Hm, can't I say I cared too much for the beginning or ending of this piece. But the middle was simply amazingly written. I really liked the way you made the reader confused as to who was talking when and what that whole thing was about. But I think maybe you should add quotations marks so it's less confusing and more ambiguous. As for the rest, it felt too "and-that's-why" to me. It didn't flow with the rest of the piece. Other than that, nice try.

Wow, a pretty glib ending. I didn't like the last piece of dialogue - this "moral of the story" was to jarring and awkward for the reader, you would have served better to leave that out. Or at least make your point more subtly.

This line: [ (But it was either that or woodshop.) / So she went. ] You should put the But it was... line on another line, and get rid of the parenthesis - the brackets signify an aside thought, yet you comment on it.

The writing style was interesting, and coherent - which is always a plus! But I felt the fragmented style of prose seemed to jump around too much making the story feel a little lifeless.

The idea and overall plot was intriguing (though personally crazy-mass-murderers don't really interest me) - and you put a neat spin on an otherwise tired subject.

Good luck in the WCC.

Intense! You have a hodgepodge of narration, detail, and psychology here. It’s all rather intricate.

I have to say that your style is a little hard to follow at times, you move around a lot from thought to thought - which is visceral, but sometimes hard to stick with.

Your protagonist is very feisty, even though she utilizes all of these dark thoughts, you can’t help but route for her; you can’t help but understand. The ending was very good as well. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
Juliet.