Whew! Sorry about filling my last review with only grammatical corrections and no comments! I really am enjoying this piece; you write drama very well and these characters are believable. I like your illustration of the surroundings and actions; I can see this play out just like a movie.


I am not going to make any more grammar/spelling comments, but rather suggest that you get a beta. There is a lovely website at .uk/ that has the most awesomesauce betas I've ever seen. You should check it out. :)

I disagree that cold weather would make training easier -- cold air makes breathing in hurt, makes your lungs sting and your mouth dry, makes your muscles cold and harder to flex. But I haven't had a /lot/ of experience in this, just a little bit.

"some think the Devil himself just threw Reighnhold onto the earth and told him to join the military." Hahaha. Very creative. I liked that.

I like the way you write Reighnhold; I can really get the feel of his stiff-standing shouting.

Oh what a compelling story! Must read more!

"pivots half way down the range." Halfway is one word.

"The recruits beamed wit pride knowing that their hard work was being made known, especially know to Hitler himself." Should be "with" and "known", although I think you would be better off getting rid of that "known" altogether.

"walked though the dusty maze of firing ranges running tracks and gymnasiums to their barracks." You need a comma in that list -- "walked though the dusty maze of firing ranges, running tracks and gymnasiums to their barracks."

"The barracks housed all the troops of the Hitler Youth First Panzer Infantry Division, the unit in charge of making sure the Panzer, and the new Tiger tanks made it onto the battlefield as quickly and as well intact as possible." You either need to get rid of the comma before "and the new Tiger tanks" or add another one after it.
"one story high and a good ½ acre long" Spell out "half".

"walked quickly inside, he was not about to get caught in the bottleneck of human traffic that would soon be pouring out of the training compound ." That comma should be a semicolon. Also, that space before the period should not be there.

"Inside soon to be soldiers that were just mere fifteen and sixteen year old kids kicked around soccer balls and wrestling" You need hyphens there; should be "soon-to-be" and "fifteen- and sixteen-year-old kids".

"Zeppelin reached his bunk that was placed near the middle and started to pack his rifle up into a case that was under his bead." Should be "bed"

"He lifted the wooden box up and set it on his bed, well more like a cot hung of f the ground with metal beams." Should be "off". Also, that "well more like" bit is awkward. I suggest either leaving it out and referring to the bed as a cot the entire time, or if you must have it, writing it as "...and set it on his bed, which was really more of a cot that.." Also, how can something "hang off the ground"? It can hang of the /ceiling/ or it can be held up off from the ground.

"He lifted his Kr98k over his head to inspect the bottom of the butt stock when he smelled his underarms. He winced at the putrid smell." I suggest changing the last sentence to read "He winced." to get rid of the redundancy.

"'I need a bath.' He grumbled to himself, after all, spending a full day in the blistering summer sun, running and doing who knows how many pushups he smelt like a wet dog." I suggest you read /fiction/dialogue.shtml as the error with you dialog is recurring. Also, Push-ups needs a hyphen, you mean "smelled" (smelt is what you do to metal), that "all" is incorrect, and this should be separated into two sentences -- "'I need a bath,' he grumbled to himself. After spending a full day in the blistering summer sun, running and doing who knows how many push-ups he smelled like a wet dog."

"One of his good friends, Alvin called over from his bunk across the isle that ran down the center of the building." You mean "aisle". Isle means "a small island".

"Alvin and Zeppelin had been friends for as long as either of them could remember, spending countless hours hunting and fishing as young boys, they even decided to join the Hitler Youth at the same time." That last comma should be an M dash (which is NOT the same as a hyphen!) -- "Alvin and Zeppelin had been friends for as long as either of them could remember, spending countless hours hunting and fishing as young boys — they even decided to join the Hitler Youth at the same time."

"'Oh I plan on leavening with a girl tonight!' Zeppelin called back." You mean "leaving".

"He set the uniforms on a small tile trough that was covered and lay just under the shower head, he took his old uniform off and threw it in a heap into a trash bin looking container beside where the new uniform was set." Did you really mean "trough"? You might have, I just found the concept of a trough in a shower to be startling. Your description "trash bin looking container" is awkward. I would just say "bin". Also, the last bit of the sentence confuses me. Are you saying the bin is by the trough? That's kind of weird; I would expect one or two bins for the whole shower room. And if that is what you mean, then why not just say "next to the trough"? Also, where you have that comma it should actually be a period; those should be two sentences.

"These uniforms were common, none of the recruits wore the same one twice, and if they did they never knew." That first comma should be a semicolon.

"each trusting his fellow recruits that they would take care of the cloths." Should be "clothes".

"He would always joke about taking home three girls at a time when they got the night off to go down to the pub, but he only wanted one, Arella, a Jewish girl who had somehow escaped the holocaust and lived among everyone else, leading a normal life." You need an M dash instead of a comma before Arella.

"She was Jewish, she hated Germans, especially German Soldiers." Soldiers should not be capitalized.

"He turned the water and put the clean uniform on satisfied that he did not smell like a butt crack and went back to his bunk." You need a comma after "on" and another after "crack". And this sentence made me giggle.

"In his bunk lay the only two things that really and truly belonged to him, his rifle and his belt." That comma should be an M dash.

"It held ammo packs and his Hitler Youth knife, a ceremonial tool only a Hitler Youth soldier could own, he smiled a proud smile upon seeing it." That last bit (He smiled...) should be a separate sentence.

"He only got to wear this belt during war games and nights off, during training he had to wear an empty belt" That comma should be a semicolon.

"mirror he duck taped to the bed post." It's "duct tape", not "duck tape". As in air ducts. ;) Also, that should be "he had duct taped".

"He still cant remember where he got that scar." That "cant" should be "couldn't".

"Other than that Zeppelin look just like all the other recruits at the base, it was strange, how when you entered" You need a comma after "Other than that", and "It was strange..." should be a new sentence.

"began t walk back toward the door of the barracks." Should be "to".

"Once outside the place was already a buzz with activity" Should be "abuzz" and "Inside".

"and it was first come first serve, you get out of the base and to the pub first you could leave with a girl on each arm, you get down there last and you were forced to drink by yourself, everyone else already gone." That first comma should be an M dash, and I think you should delete the last part; it's obvious.

"the age you could buy alcohol was eighteen," Would be simpler to say "the legal drinking age was eighteen."

"CO’s would often give the recruit’s" You don't need either of those apostrophes.
"the hung over stupors of their would be army." should be "hung-over" and "would-be".
"crowed the poor owners business once a month, they always gave him good business" Should be "crowded", "owner's", that comma should be an M dash or a period, and you should change the first "business" so you aren't using the same word twice.
"Alvin was right, they were the first ones there." comma should be an M dash or semicolon.
"near the door and we all piled out." That "we" should be "they".
"tables that lines the middle and walls of the not so small room." Should be "lined" and "not-so-small".
“Well I’ll see you gents back at base.” Should have a comma after "Well".
"to a three person booth in the corner." Should be "three-person".
"Two blond haired girls came scooted our of the way he could sit with them" Should be blond-haired, though I suggest just saying "blond girls". Also, you shouldn't have that "came", that "our" should be "out", and you should have a "so" after "way".
"a tall burnet sitting at the bar" Should be "brunette".
"Zeppelin sighed knowing he would never be able to get Arella, but why should he not be able to have a good time as well, he wasn’t tied down to her, so what’s stopping him." Should be "Zeppelin sighed, knowing he would never be able to get Arella. But why should he not be able to have a good time as well — he wasn’t tied down to her, so what was stopping him?"
"to her mid back, he clothes weren’t revealing, but" Should be "mid-back" "her clothes". First comma should be period.
"German dress, it made Zeppelin sweat." Comma should be period.
"She said her voice making Zeppelin inhale." You need a comma after "her voice".
"come to Violets house." Should be "Violet's".
"he was to dazed to notice her put into his hand." the first "to" should be "too".
"made the small bar seem to budge to accommodate the size and after about an hour" should be "bulge" and I suggest you split this into two sentences, ending the first after "size".
"ales with him, no one" comma should be period.
"had a girl or was to drunk" should be "too".
"and were either being lusted out of the bar by women or drug out by their barely sober buddies." I think you can delete this whole part.
"long after the bar had nearly cleared out, only a few recruits were" This is odd. /Long after/ it had /nearly/ closed out? And that comma should be a period.
"Golo was still long gone, and still" You should get rid of the first "still" and that comma should be a period.
"The tall thin menacing looking figure" should be "The tall, thin, menacing-looking figure"
"a full head taller than she." Should be "her"
"Tell me Jew girl" need a comma after me.
"Come to get a drink is it Jew girl, or are you" comma after drink and ? where that comma is.
"your nonexistent God." should be a ?
"but your just a half-race" you're.
"was in control it seemed." comma after control.
"their barely even people" they're.
"see The forms of the men" no capital.
"out the door, and the unconscious" no comma.
"Golo drug the body" dragged.
"Golo threw Zeppelins arm" Zeppelin's.
"leaned his heard up again" head.
"you

This is pretty good so far.

One problem: 'every one of them knew he would probably jump out of that medical bed and chock them with the medical wires that were holding him in place'

You used 'Chock' instead of 'Choke'.

I have this thing.

~Kendall

A little weird.. I don't know what time period this is supposed to be.. I mean I know this is the 1939-1945 but I don't know what part of the war you were trying to put this in.. because you mentioned the invasion of the Soviet Union so it would have to be after 1941 but at that point the idea of this jewish girl walking into a german bar strikes me as a little off.. I did like the idea though.. Another thing is the ideology of Zeppelin.. It might work better in my eyes if he didn't know the girl was a jew and found out as we were reading it.. Then we could see how even during the darkest point of human civilization you cant train someone not to fall in love..
M SAL of the SWAYZES

Eh, the romance scene was...eh, a little awkward to read.Everything else was great. It was just the end that sorta made me cringe.

Fop Huntress from the Roadhouse
Please review either La Carmelita: Ascending Darkness or The Legend of Pandora.

This is such a well written story. I got goose bumps when I read it was Hitler addressing them. Now don't get me wrong, I do hate the man for all he did, but I was not expecting him in the piece. I was really into the read and it just took me by surprise like the soldiers.

I unfortunately really get into what I'm reading and when Zep told his friends the truth I was shaking my head like 'Don't tell them!!' so yeah, I think the way you tell your story is great.

I hope to see you finish this or get to the next chapter soon. The true information given like the worst prison camp to be placed in (I don't plan to try and spell it) gave the touch of realism as if you were actually the soldier retelling us your life.

Awesome job and hope to see an update on this.

Momo - author of My Queen - Pay it forward

Oh my God this was so good! I love Golo! He really helped Zep (Sorry for the nick) out and that Ervin really got was coming to him. The details keep this interesting, the descriptions of the characters is well written that I can feel what they are going through along with reading it.

This is a very intriguing piece and so suited for the youth today as in showing us what it is to be a young soldier and fight for your beliefs while also trying to fight for your leader. The thoughts about Hitler that Zep had were realistic and it gave a tone of maturity, not just the teenager doing what he was told just because. I feel his sense of pride but I also see how he is able to deduce what is right and wrong by himself.

The setting is so well described as well I feel I am in the barracks with him and I could almost hear Cpt. Reign hollering. Very good with that.

Now you do have some typos and a couple of dropped words. more in this chapter than the first so I think if you give it a re-read you will catch them easily so that was the only distraction.

The build of suspense is not thrown in our faces and the sort of cliffhanger, foreshadowing at the end was well done as well.
Masterfully planned and easily enticing!

Keep it up!

Momo author of My Queen - Pay it forward the Roadhouse

I'm so sorry it took me so long to review you. Stuff happened, but I'm glad I did get to this. It is original in the way you are telling it, in my opinion and it is very realistic. I can believe so far this is what happened at one of the platoons in Hitler's time.

Now since you are working with of course something with history I hope you stay historically correct for the sake of believability. I will have to research more of this time in history just to make sure you stay on your toes

The descriptions and details are very well done and this is an overall well written piece. You have a good eye for the dramatic so far with the emotion you have put into this. Your choice of words helps with the reader liking or disliking your MC quickly and I liked him before they even got to the fight. The bar fight was well done and it is realistic with the thoughts of the followers of Hitler.

This seems to be a great story and I know I will enjoy each time I review it.

Momo author of My Queen - Pay it Forward the Roadhouse

Here from the Roadhouse!

Well, I was going to have a big old review session and review loads of stories later in the week; but the title of this one caught my eye!

This is a good story and a great idea. You write quite well - there are a few places where your spelling is off (you don't tend to spell words wrong, rather you use the wrong homophone; "braking" for "breaking" etc. and I think you misspell "Fuhrer") and a couple of instances when tense agreement is wrong, but these are minor issues.

The characterization is great - the idea of the heroic Hitler Youth is a good one. There is a good feeling a place here; too often period stories seem like they are just different covers on a 21st century world.

I am not an expert on Germany during this period, but there doesn't seem to be anything too inaccurate about it. I would urge you, however, to do a lot of research if you haven't done so already. This will give you a lot of ideas and will also make your work seem better.

This is a good story and it is easy to read and very interesting.

Pay it forward!

Well, I did it wrong the first time, so now I'm doing it again.

I liked they way you characterize Zeppelin as someone who usually seems cowardly but also does have backbone. This makes him seem more realistic and easier to relate to. I don't like the way your middle paragraphs are organized because they're too long, which makes it more tedious to read.
Keep working on it!

I like the way you use military terms in the beginning of the piece, when they are taking target practice. However, your grammar needs improvement, as does your punctuation and spelling. I suggest a Beta.