The grammar needs...work. I think that it is too short other than that, and you keep repeating what you have already said. I know that is a style, but not in this case.

Loved the rhyme and the way you capitalized some words for emphasis. Nice work! :}

THAT WAS REALLY GOOD!

wow...that was deep...

good rhyming...(i don't know if I spelled that right.)

that was a really nice poem