Fantastic. I've been looking for a story like this for a while. Unfortunately, the legends of what came before Arthur aren’t as well known as the rest of the legends, so most people don’t write about them. So far, you’re off to a great start. I’m enjoying your characters, especially the characterization of Aurelius and Brigette and you’re dialogue is wonderful. I especially enjoyed the conversation between Aurelius and Maesen.

My main complaint is that it was hard to visualize the actions of the characters. The description of their actions sometimes became wordy when a more direct description would have worked better (descriptions of the characters, when they were written, were fantastic though). Also, I had a hard time following the section with Brigette. I had trouble keeping track of who she was talking to and what they were talking about (the decision to call Aurelius ‘Emrys’ probably factored into my confusion). In between that section and the one where Aurelius is serving Vortigern, it would be great if you could give the reader a sense of how much time has passed or an idea of Aurelius’ age.

Here are a few other things to consider. As I said earlier, these legends aren’t as well known as some of the others, so most readers might not understand some of the references you make (the betrayal of the Saxons, who Vortigern is and why he is the ruler and not Uther and how Aurelius fits into the story). So, if might be a good idea to expand on some of these references just in case. Finally, I enjoyed the use of more native/historical words, but I think it would work better if the translations were at the beginning of the chapter or within the chapter. I don’t feel that they help much at the end of the chapter.

As I said, this is a fantastic story. You’re off to a great start. Please keep writing!

~Storyteller Knight