Before I get to specifics, just wanted to point out a few things overall. Number one, there are a lot of instances where you have punctuation outside quotation marks which should be fixed. Also, the line breaks in this chapter seemed to be awkwardly placed; perspectives between CJ and Nate changed randomly between the lines, so those are some things you might want to rework as well.

More grammatical stuff:

"CJ turned to face him..." - I just think it's odd that he knows her name when they never introduced themselves

"Nate picked it up. What was she reading?" - the thought should be in the present tense: "What is she reading?"

"'Bone Deep' by 'Dr Tempereance Brennan'" - all quotation marks are unnecessary; underline the title, period after Doctor

"His mother had kept her pen name." - penname

"He had to wake her up for the landing..." - in context with the previous sentence, the pronoun her should be changed so it doesn't sound like Nate is still thinking about his mother; possibly "co-passenger" or "the girl beside him"

"Nate watched her eyes change from being unfocussed with sleep to going round with realisation." - "unfocused", "realization"

"That's when Nate realised he was much too close." - "That was", "realized"

"...a straight nose and a strong jaw, with a slight cleft..." - no comma

"She had been asleep and was having the most pleasant dream ever. " - verb tense error; "she'd been asleep and having..."

"Invading another persons private space like that." - apostrophe

"Did she just catch him smile?CJ mused .Why should that wind her up so much?? She didn't care." - this sentence is awkward; her thoughts should either be in the first person or all in past and not actually thoguhts - more like a narrator's take on what she's thinking

I think you have the idea of what things I'm pointing out. For the sake of not leaving you an obnoxiously long review, I'll just leave the grammatical stuff at that.

Some would consider such a fateful meeting and "hot flashes" as over-the-top-romantics, but it honestly wasn't terrible. I don't personally believe in love at first sight, but I think it's cute to see it played out in stories. Some of the dialogue struck me as a little silly, perhaps too immature for an FBI agent. Also, her gay friend struck me as a little too gay to be realistic, if that makes any sense.

No more complaints. Nice work!

Not a problem! Technically speaking, this fic probably does belong more on FanFiction, but that's a minor concern. There are a handful of things to adjust in this chapter, mainly grammatical issues to consider:

"Little did she know that Brad was going to pop the question and in the spur of the moment she had even agreed to marry him." - in the context of the paragraph, this sentence would be better understand in the past perfect tense: "Little had she known that Brad was going to pop the question, and in the spur of the moment she would even agree to marry him."

"Shouldn't she marry someone who she couldn't wait to spend time with?? Who she couldn't stand to be away from??" - prepositional errors; "Shouldn't she marry someone with whom she couldn't wait to spend time? From whom she couldn't stand to be away?"

"Did he even realise what she had witnessed??" - realize

"well.. she sighed..maybe she just wasn't meant to get married.." - "well" should be capitalized; also, if this is her thinking, shouldn't it be in the first person?

"She was just beginning to drift off when for the millionth time she was startled awake by her co-passenger." - the hyperbole feels awkward, and you need commas to enclose the adjective phrase. Possibly: "She was just beginning drift off again when, once more, she was startled awake by her co-passenger."

"She turned towards the man sitting beside her and said 'You know i'd really appreciate it if u weren't so fidgety.'" - comma after "said", capitalize "I'd", and change "u" to "you".

"He could have sworn he saw sparks flying." - awkward verb tense; possibly: "He could have sworn he'd seen sparks fly."

"Looks like she had finally fallen asleep." - if this is Nate thinking, then make it present tense: "Looks like she's finally fallen asleep"; if it's not, past: "It looked as though she had finally fallen asleep"


Just some things to consider. I can't honestly say I'm a fan of the show, so I hope you really do take this in an original direction. As far as a first chapter, it was somewhat shorter than preferable, but it works as character introduction. It wasn't exactly "gripping", but it was easy to read through and piqued my curiosity. By the way, the corrections are just suggestions, not orders.

WOW BOYS ARE SUCH IDIOTS!

~Obsession

great story so far, can't wait for the next chapter

good ch...thanx for updating

good chapter

OMG! THIS STORY IS SO GOOD THAT IT DESERVES CAPS! I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THE SHOW BONES AND YOU IDEA FOR THE STORY AND THAT WHOLE BONES AND BOOTH MARRIED WITH THEIR KIDS AND THEIR KIDS, KIDS IS SO GENIOUS! THIS HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE BEST READS ON THIS SITE. IT'S SO CLEVER! THE SEARIAL KILLER IS WELL DEVELOPED AND ALONG WITH YOUR PLOT LINE, AND HE IS DEFINATELY A CREAPSTER! LOVE THE STORY SO FAR PLEASE UPDATE SOON!

~Obsession

suggestion - camille joliene short for CJ

I'm a big fan of Bones so I realy like this story
:D
please update son!
:D:D:D:D:D

That was great! I loved it.

good chapters..thanx for the update and can't wait for more!

I like this story a lot. Oh I wonder what happens at the photo shoot lol xD -wink wink- hehe

Wow I'm anxious to see how this ends. Please update soon.

creepy. and a really good story. :)

hi i have been reading your story from the beginning and its getting better and better :D :D :D... realy looking forward to what will happen next! And the cereal killer sounds creepy enough ;D